s 


^^^^ 


Lia 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 

GIFT 


From  the  Library  of 

Henry  Goldmaa,   Ph.D. 

1886-1972 


Digitized  by  tine  Internet  Arcliive 

in  2007  witli  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


littp://www.arGliive.org/detail-s/babooliurrybungsliOOanstiala 


BABOO   HURRY   BUNGSHO  JABBERJEE,    B.  A. 


BABOO   HURRY  BUNGSHO 
JABBERJEE,   B.A. 


BY 

F.    ANSTEY 

AUTHOR    OF    VICE    VERSA,    THE    TINTED    VENUS, 
THE    BLACK    POODLE,    ETC. 


ILLUSTRATED 


NEW  YORK 

D.   APPLETON  AND  COMPANY 

1897 


Authorized  Edition. 


CONTENTS 


I 

Mr  Jabberjee  apologises  jor  the  unambitious  scope 
of  his  work ;  sundry  confidences^  criticisms, 
and  complaints  ....  I 

II 

Some  account  of  Mr  Jabberje^s  experiences  at  the  9 

Westminster  Play         .... 

Ill 

Mr    fabberjee    gives    his    views    concerning    the 

Laureateship      .  .  .  .  .18 

IV 

Containing  Mr  fabberjee' s  Impressions  at  The  Old 

Alasters ......         24 

V 

In  which  Mr  fabberjee  expresses  his  Opinions  on 

Bicycling  as  a  Pastime  .  .  -33 

VI 
Dealing  with  his  Adventures  at  Olympia      .  .        42 

VII 

How  Mr  fabberjee  risked  a  Sprat  to  capture  some- 
thing very  like  a  Whale  .  .  ;         50 

VIII 

How  Mr  fabberjee  delivered  an  Oration  at  a  Ladie^ 

Debating  Club  .....         60 


viii  CONTENTS 


IX 

How  he  saw  the  practice  of  the  University  Crews, 

and  what  he  thought  ojit         .  .  .69 

X 

Mr  Jabberjee  is  taken  to  see  a  Glove- Fight    .  .        75 

XI 

Mr  Jabberjee  finds  himself  in  a  position  of  extrente 

delicacy  .  .  .  .  .  .80 

XII 
Mr  Jabberjee  is  taken  by  surprise       ,  •  .88 

XIII 

Drawbacks  and  advantages  of  being  engaged.  Some 
Meditations  in  a  Music-hall^  together  with 
notes  of  certain  things  that  Mr  Jabberjee 
failed  to  understand      ....         96 

XIV 

Mr  fabberjeis  fellow-student.  Whafs  in  a  Title  ? 
An  invitation  to  a  Wedding.  Mr  J.  as  a 
wedding  guest,  with  what  he  thought  of  the 
ceremony,  and  how  he  distinguished  himself 
on  the  occasion  .  .  .  .  .105 

XV 

Mr  Jabberjee  is  asked  out  to  dintier.  Unreasonable 
behaviour  of  his  betrothed.  Mis  doubts  con- 
cerning the  social  advantages  of  a  Boarding 
Establishment,  with  some  scathing  remarks 
upon  ambitious  pretenders.  He  goes  out  to 
dinner,  and  meets  a  person  of  so7ne  ifnportance      1 14 

XVI 

Mr  jabberjee  makes  a  pilgrimage  to  the  Shrine  of 

Shakespeare       .  .  .  .  .124 


CONTENTS  ix 

FAGB 
XVII 

Containing  some  itit.'viate  confdtnces  from  Mr 
Jabberjee^  with  the  explanation  of  such  ap- 
parent indiscretion        .  ,  .  •       133 

XVI II 
Mr  Jabberjee  is  a  little  over-ingenious  in  his  excuses        138 

XIX 

Air  fabberjee  tries  a  fresh  tack.     His  visit  to  the 

India  Office  and  sympathetic  reception  .       146 

XX 

Mr  Jabberjee  distinguishes  himself  in  the  Bar  Ex- 
amination, but  is  less  successful  in  other 
respects.  He  writes  another  extremely  in- 
genious epistle,  from  ivliich  he  antiiipi'tes  the 
happiest  results .  ,  .  .  •       '55 

XXI 

Mr  Jabberjee  halloos  before  he  is  quite  out  of  the 

Wood     ......       164 

XXII 
Mr  Jabberjee  places  himsef  in  the  hands  of  a  solicitor 

— with  certain  resci-vaiiotis      .  .  •       ^72 

XXIII 

Mr  Jabberjee  delivers  his  Statement  of  Defence,  and 
makes  his  preparations  for  the  North.  He 
allows  his  patriotic  sentiments  to  get  the  better 
of  him  in  a  momentary  outburst  of  disloyalty 
— to  which  no  serious  importance  need  be 
attached.  .  .  .  .  .182 

XXIV 
Mr  Jabberjee  relates  his  experiences  upon  the  Moors       190 

XXV 

Mr  Jabberjee  concludes  the  thrilling  account  of  his 
experiences  on  a  Scotch  Moor,  greatly  to  his 
own  glorification  ....       199 


CONTENTS 


XXVI 

Mr  Jabberjee  expresses  some  audaa'ousTy  sceptical 
opinions.  How  he  secured  his  first  Salmon, 
with  the  manner  in  which  he  presented  it  to 
his  divinity        .....       207 

XXVII 

Mr  Jabberjee  is  unavoidably  compelled  to  return  to 
town,  thereby  affording  his  Solicitor  the  in- 
estimable benefit  of  his  personal  assistance. 
An  apparent  attempt  to  pack  the  Jury  .      216 

XXVIII 

Mankletow  v.  Jabberjee.  Notes  taken  by  Mr  Jabber- 
jee in  L  ottrt  during  the  proceedings     .  .      225 

XXIX 

Further  proceedings  in  the  Case  of  Mankletow  v. 
Jabberjee.  Mr  Jabberjee's  opening  for  the 
Defence  ......      235 

XXX 

Mankletow  v.  fabberjee  {part  heard).  Mr  fabberjee 
finds  cross-examination  much  less  formidable 
than  he  had  anticipated  .  .  .      245 

XXXI 

Mankletow  v.  fabberjee  {continued).  The  Defendant 
brings  his  Speech  to  a  somewhat  unexpected 
conclusion,  and  Mr  Witherington,  Q.C., 
addresses  the  fury  in  reply       .  .  .255 

XXXII 

Containing  the  conclusion  of  the  whole  matter,  and 
{which  many  readers  will  receive  in  a  spirit 
of  chastened  resignation)  Mr  Jabberjee's  final 
farewell.  .  .  .         .      265 


LIST  OF   ILLUSTRATIONS 


PACK 


Frontispiece  .....  Facing  title 
'' Let  out/  let  out//'' .  ....  5 

"  A  golden-headed  umbrella,  fresh  as  a  rose  "  .15 

^^  Miss  Jessifuina  illankletow"  .  .  .25 

"  /  instantaneously  endured  the  total  upset  J  "  .         37 

"  With  a  large,  stout  constable "  .  .  .47 

"  IVas  accosted  by  a  polite,  agreeable  stranger  "  .  51 
** A  weedy,  tall  fnale gentleman"        .  .  ,61 

"A  beaming  simper  0/ indescribable  suavity"  .        81 

*^/ became  once  more  the  silent  tomb"  .  .91 

"  In  garbage  o/un/>aragOfied  shabbiness"       .  .         99 

"  The  spectators  saluted  me  with  shouts  of  joy  as  the 

returned  Shahzadar''^       .  .  .  .107 

**  Some  haughty  masculine  might  insult  her  under 

my  very  nose "       .  .  .  .  .115 

"  //  was  here,"  I  said,  reverently,  "  that  the  swan  of 

Avon  was  hatched .' "        .  .  .  .127 

^'' Unaccustomed  to  dark-complexioned  gentlemen"  .  135 
"  Ascended  his  bicycle  with  a  waggish  winkle  in  his 

eye"  .  .  .  .  .  .       141 

"  Pitch  it  strong,  my  respectable  Sir  / "  ,  ,       151 

''Huzza!  tol-de-rol-loll!"      .  .  .  .157 

'' A  royal  command  from  the  Queen-Empress^  .       169 


xii  ILLUSTRATIONS 

rAGB 

"  Would  be  greatly  improved  by  the  simple  addition 

of  some  knee-caps "  .  .  .  .179 

"  /  am  addressed  by  an  underbred  street-urchin  as  a 

'Blooming  Blacky/'"      .  .  .  .187 

"  0/  incredible   bashfulness  and  bucolical  appear- 
ance"        .  .  .  .  .  .191 

"  /  presented  my   trophy  and  treasure-trove  to  the 

fairy-like  Miss  Wee-wee"  .  .  .      203 

"  Whether  he  had  wha-haed  wi'  hon'ble  Wallace  ?  "        209 
Baboo  Chuckerbntty  Ram        .  .  .  .219 

"  J^resh  as  a    daisy,  and  fine  as  a  carrot  fresh 

scraped"    ......       227 

Mrfustice  Honeygall  ....      237 

Witherington,  Q.C.      .....       247 

^'fabberjee's  face  gradually  lengthens"  ,  ,      261 


The  text  and  illustrations  of  this  book  are  reproduced  by 
kind  permission  of  the  Proprietors  of  Punch. 


INTRODUCTORY  LETTER  FROM 
BABOO  JABBERJEE. 

To  the  Hon^ble Punch. 

Venerable  and  Ludicrous  Sir.  —  Permit 
me  most  respectfully  to  bring  beneath  your 
notice  a  proposal  which  I  serenely  anticipate 
will  turn  up  trumps  under  the  fructifying  sun- 
shine of  your  esteemed  approbation. 

Sir,  I  am  an  able  B.A.  of  a  respectable  Indian 
University,  now  in  this  country  for  purposes 
of  being  crammed  through  Inns  of  Court  and 
Law  Exam.,  and  rendering  myself  a  completely 
fledged  Pleader  or  Barrister  in  the  Native  Bar 
of  the  High  Court. 

Since  my  sojourn  here,  I  have  accomplished 
the  laborious  perusal  of  your  transcendent  and 
tip-top  periodical,  and,  hoity  toity !  I  am  like 
a  duck  in  thunder  with  admiring  wonderment 
at  the  drollishness  and  jocosity  with  which  your 
paper  is  ready  to  burst  in  its  pictorial  depart- 
ment. But,  alack !  when  I  turn  my  critical 
attention  to  the  literary  contents,  I  am  met 
with  a  lamentable  deficiency  and  no  great 
shakes,  for  I  note  there  the  fly  in  the  ointment 
and    hiatus    valde    defietidus — to    wit    the    utter 


xiv  INTRODUCTION 

absenteeism  of  a  correct  and  classical  style  in 
English  composition. 

To  the  highly  educated  native  gentleman  who 
searches  your  printed  articles,  hoping  fondly  to 
find  himself  in  a  well  of  English  pure  and 
undefiled,  it  proves  merely  to  fish  in  the  air. 
Conceive,  Sir,  the  disgustful  result  to  one 
saturated  to  the  skin  of  his  teeth  in  best  English 
masterpieces  of  immaculate  and  moderately 
good  prose  extracts  and  dramatic  passages, 
published  with  notes  for  the  use  of  the  native 
student,  at  weltering  in  a  hotchpot  and  hurley- 
burley  of  arbitrarily  distorted  and  very  vulgar- 
ised cockneydoms  and  purely  London  provin- 
cialities, which  must  be  of  necessity  to  him  as 
casting  pearls  before  a  swine ! 

And  I  have  the  honour  to  inform  you  of  a 
number  of  cultivated  lively  young  native  B.A.'s, 
both  here  and  in  my  country,  who  are  quite 
capable  to  appreciate  really  fine  writing  and 
sonoriferous  periods  if  published  in  your  paper, 
and  which  would  infallibly  result  in  a  feather  in 
your  cap  and  bring  increase  of  grit  to  the  mill. 

If,  Honoured  Sir,  you  feel  disposed  to  bolster 
yourself  up  with  the  wet  blanket  of  a  non 
possumus^  and  reply  to  me  that  your  existing 
quill-drivers  are  too  fat-witted  and  shallow-pated 
for  the  production  of  more  pretentiously  polished 
lucubrations — aye,  not  even  if  they  burn  the 
night-light  oil  and  hear  the  chimes  at  midnight ! 
I  will  not  be  hoodwinked  by  the  superficiality 


INTRODUCTION  xv 

of  your  cui  bono,  and  shall  make  you  the  answer 
that  I  am  willing  for  an  exceedingly  paltry 
honorarium  to  rush  into  the  Gordian  knot  and 
write  you  the  most  superior  essays  on  every 
conceivable  and  inconceivable  subject  under  the 
sun,  as  per  enclosed  samples  which  I  forward 
respectfully  for  your  delightful  and  golden 
opinions,  guaranteeing  faithfully  that  all  of  your 
readers  in  every  hemisphere  and  postal  district 
will  fall  in  love  with  such  a  new  departure  and 
fresh  tack. 

The  specimens  I  send  are  not  my  best,  only 
very  ordinary  and  humdrum  affairs — but  ex  pede 
Herculem  !  Hon'ble  Sir,  and  you  will  see  how 
transcendentally  superior  are  even  such  poor 
effusions  compared  to  the  fiddle-faddle  and  gim- 
crack  style  of  article  with  which  you  are  being 
fobbed  off  by  puzzle-headed  and  self-opiniated 
nincompoops. 

I  can  also  turn  out  rhymed  poetry  after 
models  of  Poets  TENNYSON,  Cowper,  Mrs 
Hemans,  SoUTHEY,  &  Co.,  done  to  a  tittle,  so 
as  not  to  be  detected,  even  by  the  cynosure,  as 
mere  spurious  imitation,  but  in  every  respect  up 
to  the  mark  and  the  real  Simon  Pure. 

Therefore,  Hon'ble  Sir,  do  not  hesitate  to 
strike  while  the  iron  is  incandescent  and  bleed 
freely,  even  if  it  should  be  necessary,  prior  to 
engaging  your  humble  petitioner's  services,  to 
turn  out  one  or  more  of  your  present  contribu- 
tioners  crop  and  heels,  and  lay  them  on  the  shelf 


xvi  INTRODUCTION 

of  their  own  incompetencies.  Remember  that 
the  slightest  act  of  volition  on  your  part  can 
exalt  my  pecuniary  status  to  the  skies,  as  well 
as  confer  distinguished  and  unparagoned  en- 
noblement upon  your  cacoethes  scribendi. 

I  remain,  respected  Sir,  Your  most  obsequious 
Servant, 

Hurry  Bungsho  Jabberjee,  B.A. 

P.S.  and  N.B. — Being  so  unacquainted  with 
the  limner's  art,  I  cannot  at  present  undertake 
the  etching  of  caricatures  et  hoc  genus  omne. 
However,  if  such  is  your  will,  Hon'ble  Sir,  I 
will  take  the  cow  by  the  horns,  after  preliminary 
course  of  instruction  at  Government  Art  School, 
all  expenses,  &c.,  to  be  defrayed  on  the  nail  out 
of  your  purse  of  Fortunatus,  seeing  that  your 
esteemed  correspondent  is  so  hard  up  between 
two  stools  that  he  is  reduced  to  a  choice  of 
Hodson's  Horse  !  H.  B.  J. 


Mr  Jabberjee  apologises  for 

the  unambitious  scope  of  his  T 

•work:     sundry     confidences^ 

criticisms  and  complaints. 

When  I  first  received  intimation  from  the 
supernal  and  spanking  hand  of  Hon'ble  Mr 
Punch,  that  he  smiled  with  fatherly  benignity  at 
my  humble  request  that  he  should  offer  myself 
as  a  regular  poorly-paid  contributor,  I  blessed 
my  stars  and  was  as  if  to  jump  over  the  moon 
for  jubilation  and  sprightfulness. 

But,  heigh-ho  !  surgit  amari  aliquid,  and  his 
condescending  patronage  was  dolefully  alloyed 
with  the  inevitable  dash  of  bitters  which,  as 
Poet  Shakspeare  remarks,  withers  the  galled 
jade  until  it  winces.  For  with  an  iron  heel  has 
Hon'ble  Mr  P.  declined  sundry  essays  of 
enormous  length  and  importance,  composed  in 
Addisonian,  Johnsonian,  and  Gibbonian  phrase- 
ology on  assorted  topics,  such  as  "  Love," 
"  Civilisation,"  "  Matrimony,"  "  Superstition," 
"  Is  Courage  a  Virtue,  or  Vice  Versd  ?  "  and  has 
recommended  me  instead  to  devote  my  pen  to 
quite  ephemeral  and  fugacious  topics,  and  merely 
commit  to  paper  such  reflections,  critical  opinions, 
and  experiences  as  may  turn  up  in  the  potluck 
of  my  daily  career. 


2  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

What  wonder  that  on  reading  such  a  sine  quA 
non  and  ultimatum  my  vox  faucibus  hcBsit  and 
stuck  in  my  gizzard  with  bashful  sheepishness, 
for  how  to  convulse  the  Thames  and  set  it  on 
fire  and  all  agog  with  amazement  at  the 
humdrum  incidents  of  so  very  ordinary  an 
existence  as  mine,  which  is  spent  in  the  diligent 
study  of  Roman,  Common,  International,  and 
Canonical  Law  from  morn  to  dewy  eve  in  the 
lecture-hall  or  the  library  of  my  inn,  and,  as 
soon  as  the  shades  of  night  are  falling  fast,  in 
returning  to  my  domicilium  at  Ladbroke  Grove 
with  the  undeviating  punctuality  of  a  tick  ? 

However,  belong  above  all  things  desirous  not 
to  let  slip  the  golden  opportunity  and  pocket 
the  root  of  all  evil,  I  decided  to  let  my  diffidence 
go  to  the  wall  and  boldly  record  every  jot  and 
tittle,  however  humdrum,  with  the  critical  reflec- 
tions and  censorious  observations  arising  there- 
from, remembering  that,  though  the  fabulous 
and  mountain-engendered  mouse  was  no  doubt 
at  the  time  considered  but  a  fiasco  and  flash  in 
the  pan  by  its  maternal  progenitor,  nevertheless 
that  same  identical  mouse  rendered  yeomanry 
services  at  a  subsequent  period  to  the  lion 
involved  in  the  compromising  intricacies  of  a 
landing-net ! 

Benevolent  reader,  de  te  fabula  narratur. 
Perchance  the  mousey  bantlings  of  my  insig- 
nificant brain  may  nibble  away  the  cords  of 
prejudice  and  exclusiveness  now  encircling  many 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  3 

highly  respectable  British  lions.  Be  not  angry 
with  me  therefore,  if  in  the  character  of  a  damned 
but  good-natured  friend,  I  venture  on  occasions 
to  "  hint  dislike  and  hesitate  disgust." 

The  majestic  and  magnificent  matron,  under 
whose  aegis  I  reside  for  rs.  20  per  week,  is  of 
lofty  lineage,  though  fallen  from  that  high  estate 
into  the  peck  of  troubles,  and  compelled  (owing 
to  severely  social  disposition)  to  receive  a  number 
of  small  and  select  boarders. 

Like  Jeptkah,  in  the  play  of  Hamlet,  she  has 
one  fair  daughter  and  no  more,  a  bewitching  and 
well-proportioned  damsel,  as  fine  as  a  fivepence 
or  a  May-day  queen.  Notwithstanding  this, 
when  I  summon  up  my  courage  to  address  her, 
she  receives  my  laborious  politeness  with  a 
cachinnation  like  that  of  a  Cheshire  cheese, 
which  strikes  me  all  of  a  heap.  Her  female 
parent  excuses  to  me  such  flabbergasting 
demeanour  on  the  plea  that  her  daughter  is 
afflicted  with  great  shyness  and  maidenly 
modesty,  but,  on  perceiving  that  she  can  be 
skittish  and  genial  in  the  company  of  other 
masculines,  I  am  forced  to  attribute  her  con- 
tumeliousness  to  the  circumstance  that  I  am  a 
native  gentleman  of  a  dark  complexion. 

In  addition,  I  have  the  honour  to  inform 
you  of  further  specimens  of  this  inurbanity 
and  bearishness  from  officials  who  are  perfect 
strangers  to  the  writer.  Each  morning  I 
journey  through  the  subterranean  bowels  of  the 
3 


4         BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

earth  to  the  Temple,  and  on  a  recent  occasion, 
when  I  was  descending  the  stairs  in  haste  to 
pop  into  the  train,  lo  and  behold,  just  as  I 
reached  the  gate,  it  was  shut  in  my  nose  by  the 
churlishness  of  the  jack-in-office  ! 

At  which,  stung  to  the  quick  at  so  unprovoked 
and  unpremeditated  an  affront,  I  accosted  him 
severely  through  the  bars  of  the  wicket,  demand- 
ing sarcastically,  "  Is  this  your  boasted  British 
Jurisprudence?  " 

The  savage  heart  of  the  Collector  was  moved 
by  my  expostulation,  and  he  consented  to  open 
the  gate,  and  imprint  a  perforated  hole  on  my 
ticket ;  but,  alack !  his  repentance  was  a  day 
after  the  fair,  for  the  train  had  already  taken  its 
hook  into  the  Cimmerian  gloom  of  a  tunnel  ! 
When  the  next  train  arrived,  I,  waiting  prudently 
until  it  was  quiescent,  stepped  into  a  compart- 
ment, wherein  I  was  dismayed  and  terrified  to 
find  myself  alone  with  an  individual  and  two 
lively  young  terriers,  which  barked  minaciously 
at  my  legs. 

But  I,  with  much  presence  of  mind,  protruded 
my  head  from  the  window,  vociferating  to  those 
upon  the  platform,  "  Let  out !  Let  out ! ! 
Fighting  dogs  are  here  ! ! ! " 

And  they  met  my  appeal  with  unmannerly 
jeerings,  until  the  controller  of  the  train,  seeing 
that  I  was  firm  in  upholding  my  dignity  of 
British  subject,  and  claiming  my  just  rights, 
unfastened  the  door  and  permitted  me  to  escape  ; 


'  LET  OUT  !     LET  OUT  !  !  " 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  7 

but,  while  I  was  yet  in  search  of  a  compartment 
where  no  canine  elements  were  in  the  manger, 
the  train  was  once  more  in  motion,  and  I,  being 
no  daredevil  to  take  such  leap  into  the  dark,  was 
a  second  time  left  behind,  and  a  loser  of  two 
trains.  Moreover,  though  I  have  written  a 
humbly  indignant  petition  to  the  Hon'ble 
Directors  of  the  Company  pointing  out  loss  of 
time  and  inconvenience  through  incivility,  and 
asking  them  for  small  pecuniary  compensation, 
they  have  assumed  the  rhinoceros  hide,  and 
nilled  my  request  with  dry  eyes. 

But  I  shall  next  make  the  further  complaint 
that,  even  when  making  every  effort  to  do  the 
civil,  the  result  is  apt  to  kill  with  kindness ;  and 
— as  King  Charles  the  First,  when  they 
were  shuffling  off  his  mortal  coil,  politely 
apologised  for  the  unconscionable  long  time  that 
his  head  took  to  decapitate — so  I,  too,  must  draw 
attention  to  the  fact  that  the  duration  of  formal 
ceremonious  visits,  is  far  too  protracted  and  long 
drawn  out. 

Crede  experto.  A  certain  young  English 
gentleman,  dwelling  in  the  Temple,  whose 
acquaintance  I  have  formed,  earnestly  requested 
that  I  should  do  him  the  honour  of  a  visit ;  and 
recently,  wishing  to  be  hail  fellow  well  met,  I 
presented  myself  before  him  about  9.30  A.M. 

He  greeted  me  with  effusion,  shaking  me 
warmly  by  the  hand,  and  begging  me  to  be 
seated,  and    making  many  inquiries,  whether    I 


8  BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

preferred  India  to  England,  and  what  progress 
I  was  making  in  my  studies,  &c.,  and  so  forth, 
all  of  which  I  answered  faithfully,  to  the  best  of 
my  abilities. 

After  that  he  addressed  me  by  fits  and  starts 
and  longo  intervallo,  yet  displaying  so  manifest 
and  absorbent  a  delight  in  my  society  that  he 
could  not  bring  himself  to  terminate  the  audience, 
while  I  was  to  conceal  my  immense  wearisome- 
ness  and  the  ardent  desire  I  had  conceived  to 
leave  him. 

And  thus  he  detained  me  there  hour  after 
hour,  until  five  minutes  past  one  P.M.,  when  he 
recollected,  with  many  professions  of  chagrin, 
that  he  had  an  appointment  to  take  his  tiffin, 
and  dismissed  me,  inviting  me  cordially  to  come 
again. 

If,  however,  it  is  expected  of  me  that  I  can 
devote  three  hours  and  a  half  to  ceremonial 
civilities,  I  must  respectfully  answer  with  a  Nolo 
episcopari^  for  my  time  is  more  precious  than 
rubies,  and  so  I  will  beg  not  only  Mr  Mella- 
DEW,  Esq.,  Barrister-at-law,  but  all  other  Anglo- 
Saxon  friends  and  their  families,  to  accept  this 
as  a  verbum  sap.  and  wink  to  a  blind  horse. 


Sofne  account  of  Mr  Jabber- 

jee's  experiences  at  the  West.  11 

minster  Play. 


Being  forearmed  by  editorial  beneficence  with 
ticket  of  admission  to  theatrical  entertainment 
by  adolescent  students  at  Westminster  College, 
I  presented  myself  at  the  scene  of  acting  in  a 
state  of  liveliest  and  frolicsome  anticipation  on  a 
certain  Wednesday  evening  in  the  month  of 
December  last,  about  7.20  P.M. 

At  the  summit  of  the  stairs  I  was  received  by 
a  posse  of  polite  and  stalwart  striplings  in  white 
kids,  who,  after  abstracting  large  circular  orifice 
from  my  credentials,  ordered  me  to  ascend  to  a 
lofty  gallery,  where,  on  arriving,  I  found  every 
chair  pre-occupied,  and  moreover  was  restricted 
to  a  prospect  of  the  backs  of  numerous  juvenile 
heads,  while  expected  to  remain  the  livelong 
evening  on  the  tiptoe  of  expectation  and  Shank's 
mare ! 

This  for  a  while  I  endured  submissively  from 
native  timidity  and  retirement,  until  my  bosom 
boiled  over  at  the  sense  of  "  Civis  Romanus  sum" 
and,  descending  to  the  barrier,  I  harangued  the 
wicket-keeper  with  great  length  and  fervid 
eloquence,  informing  him  that  I  was  graduate  of 

9 


lo        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

high-class  Native  University  after  passing  most 
tedious  and  difficult  exams  with  fugitive  colours 
and  that  it  was  injurious  and  deleterious  to  my 
"  mens  sana  in  corpore  sano "  to  remain  on  legs 
for  some  hours  beholding  what  I  practically 
found  to  be  invisible. 

But,  though  he  turned  an  indulgent  ear  to 
my  quandary,  he  professed  his  inability  to  help 
me  over  my  "pons  asi'norum,"  until  I  ventured 
to  play  the  ticklish  card  and  inform  him  that  I 
was  a  distinguished  representative  of  Hon'ble 
Punchy  who  was  paternally  anxious  for  me  to  be 
awarded  a  seat  on  the  lap  of  luxury. 

Then  he  unbended,  and  admitted  me  to  the 
body  of  the  auditorium,  where  I  was  conducted 
to  a  coign  of  vantage  in  near  proximity  to 
members  of  the  fair  sex  and  galaxy  of 
beauty. 

Thus,  by  dint  of  nude  gumption,  I  was  in 
the  bed  of  clover  and  seventh  heaven,  and 
more  so  when,  on  inquiry  from  a  bystander,  I 
understood  that  the  performance  was  taken  from 
Mr  Terriss's  Adelphi  Theatre,  which  I  had 
heard  was  conspicuous  for  excellence  in  fierce 
combats,  blood-curdling  duels,  and  scenes  in 
court  And  I  narrated  to  him  how  I  too,  when 
a  callow  and  unfledged  hobbardyhoy,  had  en- 
gaged in  theatrical  entertainments,  and  played 
such  parts  in  native  dramas  as  heroic  giant- 
killers  and  tiger  slayers,  in  which  I  was  an  "  au 
fait "  and  "facile  princeps"  also  in  select  scenes 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  ii 

from  Shakspeare'S  play  of  Macbeth  in  English 
and  being  correctly  attired  as  a  Scotch. 

But  presently  I  discovered  that  the  play  was 
quite  another  sort  of  Adelphi,  being  a  jocose 
comedy  by  a  notorious  ancient  author  of  the 
name  of  Terence,  and  written  entirely  in  Latin, 
which  a  contiguous  damsel  expressed  a  fear  lest 
she  should  find  it  incomprehensible  and  obscure. 
I  hastened  to  reassure  her  by  explaining  that, 
having  been  turned  out  as  a  certificated  BA.  by 
Indian  College,  I  had  acquired  perfect  familiarity 
and  nodding  acquaintance  with  the  early  Roman 
and  Latin  tongues,  and  offering  my  services  as 
interpreter  of  "  quicquid  agutii  homines"  and  the 
entire  "farrago  libelli"  which  rendered  her  red 
as  a  turkeycock  with  delight  and  gratitude. 
When  the  performance  commenced  with  a  scenic 
representation  of  the  Roman  Acropolis,  and  a 
venerable  elderly  man  soliloquising  lengthily  to 
himself,  and  then  carrying  on  a  protracted 
logomachy  with  another  greybeard — although 
I  understood  sundry  colloquial  idioms  and 
phrases  such  as  "  uxorem  duxit"  "  carum  mihi" 
"  quid  agis  ?  "  "  cur  aviat  ?  "  and  the  like,  all  of 
which  I  assiduously  translated  vivd  voce — I 
could  not  succeed  in  learning  the  reason  why 
they  were  having  such  a  snip-snap,  until  the 
interval,  when  the  lady  informed  me  herself  that 
it  was  because  one  of  them  had  carried  off  a 
nautch-girl  belonging  to  the  other's  son — which 
caused  me  to  marvel  greatly  at  her  erudition. 


12        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

I  looked  that,  in  the  next  portion  of  the  per- 
formance, I  might  behold  the  nautch-girl,  and 
witness  her  forcible  rescue — or  at  least  some 
saltatory  exhibition  ;  but,  alack  !  she  remained 
sotto  voce  and  hermetically  sealed  ;  and  though 
other  characters,  in  addition  to  the  elderly 
gentlemen,  appeared,  they  were  all  exclusively 
masculine  in  gender,  and  there  was  nothing  done 
but  to  converse  by  twos  and  threes.  When  the 
third  portion  opened  with  a  long-desiderated 
peep  of  petticoats,  I  told  my  neighbour  con- 
fidently that  now  at  last  we  were  to  see  this 
dancing  girl  and  the  abduction  ;  but  she  replied 
that  it  was  not  so,  for  these  females  were  merely 
the  mother  of  the  wife  of  another  of  the  youths 
and  her  attendant  ayah.  And  even  this  precious 
pair,  after  weeping  and  wringing  their  hands  for 
a  while,  vanished,  not  to  appear  again. 

Now  as  the  entertainment  proceeded,  I  fell 
into  the  dumps  with  increasing  abashment  and 
mortification  to  see  everyone  around  me,  ay,  even 
the  women  and  the  tenderest  juveniles !  clap  the 
hands  and  laugh  in  their  sleeves  with  merriment 
at  quirks  and  gleeks  in  which — in  spite  of  all 
my  classical  proficiency — I  could  not  discover 
le  mot  pour  rire  or  crack  so  much  as  the  cream 
of  a  jest,  but  must  sit  there  melancholy  as  a  gib 
cat  or  smile  at  the  wrong  end  of  mouth. 

For,  indeed,  I  began  to  fear  that  I  had  been 
fobbed  off  with  the  smattered  education  of  a 
painted  sepulchre,  that    I    should  fail  so  dolor- 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  13 

ously  to  comprehend  what  was  plain  as  a 
turnpike-staff  to  the  veriest  British  babe  and 
suckHng ! 

However,  on  observing  more  closely,  I  dis- 
covered that  most  of  the  grown-up  adults 
present  had  books  containing  the  translation  of 
all  the  witticisms,  which  they  secretly  perused, 
and  that  the  feminality  were  also  provided  with 
pink  leaflets  on  which  the  dark  outline  of  the 
plot  was  perspicuously  inscribed. 

Moreover,  on  casting  my  eyes  up  to  the  gallery, 
I  perceived  that  there  were  overseers  there  armed 
with  long  canes,  and  that  the  small  youths  did 
not  indulge  in  plaudations  and  hilarity  except 
when  threatened  by  these. 

And  thereupon  I  took  heart,  seeing  that  the 
proceedings  were  clearly  veiled  in  an  obsolete 
and  cryptic  language,  and  it  was  simply  matter 
of  rite  and  custom  to  applaud  at  fixed  intervals, 
so  I  did  at  Rome  as  the  Romans  did,  and  was 
laughter  holding  both  his  sides  as  often  as  I 
beheld  the  canes  in  a  state  of  agitation. 

I  am  not  unaware  that  it  is  to  bring  a  coal 
from  Newcastle  to  pronounce  any  critical  opinion 
upon  the  ludibrious  qualities  of  so  antiquated  a 
comedy  as  this,  but,  while  I  am  wishful  to  make 
every  allowance  for  its  having  been  composed  in 
a  period  of  prehistoric  barbarity,  I  would  still 
hazard  the  criticism  that  it  does  not  excite  the 
simpering  guffaw  with  the  frequency  of  such 
modern  standard  works  as  exempli  gratiA^  Miss 


14       BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

Brown,  or  The  Aunt  of  Charley,  to  either  of 
which  I  would  award  the  palm  for  pure  whim- 
sicality and  gawkiness. 

Candour  compels  me  to  admit,  however,  that 
the  conclusion  of  the  Adelphi,  in  which  a  certain 
magician  summoned  a  black-robed,  steeple-hatted 
demon  from  the  nether  world,  who,  after  com- 
manding a  minion  to  give  a  pickle-back  to 
sundry  grotesque  personages,  did  castigate  their 
ulterior  portions  severely  with  a  large  switch, 
was  a  striking  amelioration  and  betterment  upon 
the  preceding  scenes,  and  evinced  that  TERENCE 
possessed  no  deficiency  of  up-to-date  facetious- 
ness  and  genuine  humour ;  though  I  could  not 
but  reflect — "  O,  si  sic  omnia  !  "  and  lament  that 
he  should  have  hidden  his  vis  comica  for  so  long 
under  the  stifling  disguise  of  a  serviette. 

I  am  a  beggar  at  describing  the  hurly-burly 
and  most  admired  disorder  amidst  which  I  per- 
formed the  descent  of  the  staircase  in  a  savage 
perspiration,  my  elbows  and  heels  unmercifully 
jostled  by  a  dense,  unruly  horde,  and  going  with 
nose  in  pocket,  from  trepidation  due  to  national 
cowardice,  while  the  seething  mob  clamoured 
and  contended  for  overcoats  and  hats  around 
very  exiguous  aperture,  through  which  be- 
wildered custodians  handed  out  bundles  of  sticks 
and  umbrellas,  in  vain  hope  to  appease  such 
impatience.  Nor  did  I  succeed  to  the  recovery 
of  my  hat  and  paraphernalia  until  after  twenty- 
four  and  a  half  minutes  (Greenwich  time),  and 


"A  GOLDEN-HEADED   UMBRELLA,   FKESH   AS   A  ROSE." 


,  JABBER JEE,  B.A.  17 

with    the    labours    of   Hercules   for  the   golden 
fleece ! 

For  which  I  was  minded  at  first  to  address  a 
sharp  remonstrance  and  claim  for  indemnity  to 
some  pundit  in  authority ;  but  perceiving  that 
by  such  fishing  in  troubled  waters  I  was  the 
gainer  of  a  golden-headed  umbrella,  fresh  as  a 
rose,  I  decided  to  accept  the  olive  branch  and 
bury  the  bone  of  contention. 


Mr  Jabberjee  gives  his  views  j  T  T 

concerning  the  Laureateship, 

It  is  "  selon  les  rkgles "  and  rerum  naturd  that 
the  Queen's  Most  Excellent  Majesty,  being 
constitutionally  partial  to  poetry,  should  desire 
to  have  constant  private  supply  from  respect- 
able tip-top  genius,  to  be  kept  snug  on  Royal 
premises  and  ready  at  momentary  notice  to 
oblige  with  song  or  dirge,  according  as  High 
Jinks  or  Dolorousness  are  the  Court  orders  of 
the  day. 

But  how  far  more  satisfactory  if  Right 
Hon'ble  Marquis  Salisbury,  instead  of  arbi- 
trarily decorating  some  already  notorious  bard 
with  this  "  cordon  bleu "  and  thus  gilding  a 
lily,  should  throw  the  office  open  to  competition 
by  public  exam,  and,  after  carefully  weigh- 
ing such  considerations  as  the  applicant's  res 
angusta  domi,  the  fluency  of  his  imagination,  his 
nationality,  and  so  on — should  award  the  itching 
palm  of  Fame  to  the  poet  who  succeeded  best 
in  tickling  his  fancy  ! 

Had  some  such  method  been  adopted,  the 
whole  Indian  Empire  might  to-day  have  been 
pleased  as  Punch  by  the  selection  of  a  Hindoo 
gentleman  to  do  the  job — for  I  should  infallibly 

i8 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  19 

have  entered  myself  for  the  running.  Unfortun- 
ately such  unparalleled  opportunity  of  throwing 
soup  to  Cerberus,  and  exhibiting  colour-blind- 
ness, has  been  given  the  slip,  though  the  door 
is  perhaps  still  open  (even  at  past  eleven  o'clock 
P.M.)  for  retracing  the  false  step  and  web  of 
Penelope. 

For  I  would  respectfully  submit  to  Her 
Imperial  Majesty  that,  in  her  duplicate  capacity 
of  Queen  of  England  and  Empress  of  India, 
she  has  urgent  necessity  for  a  Court  Poet  for 
each  department,  who  would  be  Arcades  ambo 
and  two  of  a  trade,  and  share  the  duties  with 
their  proportionate  pickings. 

Or,  if  she  would  be  unwilling  to  pay  the 
piper  to  such  a  tune,  I  alone  would  work  the 
oracle  in  both  Indian  and  Anglo-Saxon  depart- 
ments, and  waive  the  annual  tub  of  sherry  for 
equivalent  in  cash  down. 

And,  if  I  may  make  the  suggestion,  1=  would 
strongly  advise  that  this  question  of  my  joint 
(or  several)  appointment  should  be  severely 
taken  up  by  London  Press  as  matter  of  simple 
justice  to  India.  This  is  without  prejudice  to 
the  already  appointed  Laureate  as  a  swan  and 
singing  bird  of  the  first  water.  All  I  desire 
is  that  the  Public  should  know  of  another — 
and,  perchance,  even  rarer — avis,  who  is  nigroque 
simillima  cygno,  and  could  be  obtained  dog 
cheap  for  a  mere  song  or  a  drug  in  the  market- 
place, if  only  there  is  made  a  National   Appeal 


20       BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

to  the  Sovereign  that    he  should    be  promoted 
to  such  a  sinecure  and  cere  perennius. 

As  a  specimen  of  the  authenticity  of  my 
divine  flatulence,  please  find  inclosed  herewith 
copy  of  complimentary  verses,  written  by  myself 
on  hearing  of  Poet  Austin's  selection.  In- 
dulgence is  kindly  requested  for  very  hasty 
composition,  and  circumstance  of  being  greatly 
harrowed  and  impeded  at  time  of  writing  by 
an  excruciating  full  sized  boil  on  back  of  neck, 
infuriated  by  collar  of  shirt,  poulticings,  and 
so  forth. 


Congratulatory  Ode 

To  HorCble  Poet-Laureate  Alfred  Austin,  Esq. 

Hail !  you  full-blown  tulip  ! 

Oh !  when  the  wheezing    zephyr  brought    glad 

news 
Of  your  judicious  appointment,  no  hearts  who 

did  peruse. 
Such  a  long-desiderated  slice  of  good  luck  were 

sorry  at, 
To  a  most  prolific  and  polacious  Poet-Laureate ! 
For  no  poeta  nascitur  who  is  fitter 
To  greet  Royal  progeny  with  melodious  twitter. 
Seated    on   the  resplendent   cloud  of  official 

Elysium, 
Far  away,  far  away  from  fuliginous  busy  hum 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  21 

You    are    now     perched     with     phenomenal 

velocity 
On  vertiginous  pinnacle  of  poetic  pomposity  ! 
Yet    deign   to    cock   thy   indulgent  eye   at   the 

petition 
Of  one  consumed  by  corresponding  arhbition, 
And     lend    the    helping    hand    to    lift,    pulley- 

hauley, 
To     Parnassian      Peak     this     poor     perspiring 
Bengali  ! 
Whose  ars  poetica  (as  per  sample  lyric) 
Is  fully  competent  to  turn  out  panegyric. 
What    if    some    time    to    come,    perhaps    not 

distant, 
You  were  in  urgent  need  of  Deputy- Assistant ! 
For    two   Princesses   might    be  confined    simul- 
taneously— 
Then,    how     to     homage     the     pair    extempor- 
aneously ? 
Or   with    Nuptial  Ode,  lack-a-daisy !     What    a 

fix 
If    with     Influenza     raging     like     cat     on     hot 
bricks  ! 
In   such   a   wrong    box   you   will    please    re- 
member yours  truly, 
Who   can   do   the   needful    satisfactorily   and 

duly, 
By  an  epithalamium  (or  what  not)  to  inflame 

your  credit 
With   every  coronated    head    that   will    have 
read  it ! 


22        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

And  the  quid  pro  quo,  magnijficent  and  grand 

Sir! 
Would  be  at  the  rate  of  four  annas  for  every 
stanza, 
Now,  thou  who  scale  sidereal  paths  afar  dost. 
Deign  from  thy  brilliant  boots  to  cast  the  super- 
fluous star-dust 
Upon 

The  head  of  him 

Whose  fate  depends 

On  Thee  ! 
{Signed)   Baboo  Hurry  Bungsho  Jabberjee. 

The  above  was  forwarded  {post  -  paid)  to 
Hon'ble  Austin's  official  address  at  Poet's 
Corner,  Westminster  Abbey  (opposite  the  Royal 
Aquarium),  but — hoity-toity  and  tnirabile  dictu  ! 
— no  answer  has  yet  been  vouchsafed  to  yours 
truly  save  the  cold  shoulder  of  contemptuous 
inattention  ! 

What  a  pity !  Well-a-day,  that  we  should 
find  such  passions  of  envy  and  jealousy  in 
bosom  of  a  distinguished  poet,  whose  lucubrated 
productions  may  (for  all  that  is  known  to  the 
present  writer)  be  no  great  shakes  after  all,  and 
mere  food  for  powder  ! 

The  British  public  is  an  ardent  lover  of  the 
scintillating  jewellery  of  fair  play,  and  so  I 
confidently  submit  my  claims  and  poetical 
compositions  to  be  arbitrated  by  the  unanimous 
voice  of  all  who  understand  such  articles. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  23 

Let  us  remember  that  it  is  never  too  late  to 
pull  down  the  fallen  idol  out  of  the  gilded  shrine 
in  which  it  has  established  itself  with  the  egotis- 
tical isolation  of  a  dog  with  the  mange  ! 


Containing    Mr    Jabberjee's 

Impressions     at     The     Old  1  v 

Masters. 


I  HAVE  the  honour  to  report  that  the  phantom 
of  dehght  has  recently  recommenced  to  dance 
before  me. 

Miss  JESSIMINA  Mankletow,  the  perfumed, 
moony-faced  daughter  of  the  gracious  and  eagle- 
eyed  goddess  who  presides  over  the  select  boarding 
establishment  in  which  1  am  resident  member,  has 
of  late  emerged  from  the  shell  of  superciliousness, 
and  brought  the  beaming  eye  of  encouragement 
to  bear  upon  my  diffidence  and  humility. 

This  I  partly  attribute  to  general  impression — 
which  I  do  not  condescend  to  deny — that,  at 
home,  I  occupy  the  social  status  of  a  Rajah,  or 
some  analogous  kind  of  big  native  pot. 

So,  on  a  recent  Saturday  afternoon,  she 
invited  me  to  escort  her  and  a  similar  young 
virginal  lady  friend,  by  name  Miss  Priscilla 
Primmett,  to  Burlington  House,  Piccadilly, 
and,  as  Prince  Hamlet  appositely  remarks, 
"  Look  here  upon  this  picture  and  on  this." 
Which  I  joyfully  accepted,  being  head-over-heels 
in  love  with  Art,  and  the  possessor  of  two 
magnificent    coloured    photo -lithographs,   repre- 


'MISS  JESSIMINA   MANKLETOVV." 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  27 

senting  a  steeplechase  in  the  act  of  jumping  a 
trench,  and  a  water-nymph  in  the  very  decollete 
undress  of  ^^ puris  naturalibus"  weltering  on  a 
rushy  bed. 

We  proceeded  thither  upon  the  giddy  summit 
of  a  Royal  Oak  omnibus,  and  on  arriving  in  the 
vestibulum,  were  peremptorily  commanded  to 
undergo  total  abstinence  from  our  umbrellas. 

Being  accompanied  by  the  span-new  silken 
affair  with  the  golden  head,  which,  as  I  have 
narrated  supra,  I  was  so  lucky  to  obtain  promis- 
cuously after  witnessing  the  Adelphi  of  the 
Westminster  college  boys,  I  naturally  protested 
vehemently  against  such  arbitrary  and  tyrannical 
regulations,  urging  the  risk  of  my  unprotected 
umbrella  being  feloniously  abducted  during  un- 
avoidable absence  by  some  unprincipled  and 
illegitimate  claimant. 

But,  alack  !  I  was  confronted  with  the 
official  ultimatum  and  sine  qua  non,  and  have 
subsequently  learnt  that  the  cause  of  this  self- 
denying  ordinance  is  due  to  the  uncontrollable 
enthusiasm  of  British  Public  for  works  of  art, 
which  leads  them  to  signify  approbation  by 
puncturing  innumerable  orifices  by  dint  of  sticks 
or  umbrellas  in  the  process  of  pointing  out 
tit-bits  of  painting,  and  on  account  of  the 
detrimental  influence  on  the  marketable  value  of 
pictures  thus  distinguished  by  the  plerophory  of 
the  Vox  Populi. 

Nevertheless,  my  heart    was   oppressed    with 


2  8        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

many  misgivings  at  having  to  hand  over  three 
hostage  umbrellas — one  being  masculine  and 
two  feminine  gender — and  receiving  nothing  in 
exchange  but  a  wooden  medallion  of  no  intrinsic 
worth,  bearing  the  utterly  disproportionate 
number  of  over  one  thousand  !  Next,  after,  at 
Miss  JessimiNA's  bidding,  having  purchased  a 
sixpenny  index,  we  ascended  the  staircase,  and  on 
shelling  out  three  shillings  cash  payment,  were 
consecutively  squeezed  through  a  restricted  wicket 
as  if  needles  going  through  the  eye  of  a  camel. 

I  will  vouchsafe  to  aver  that  my  interior 
sensations  on  penetrating  the  first  gallery  were 
those  of  acute  and  indignant  disappointment,  for 
will  it  be  credited  that  a  working  majority  of  the 
exhibits  were  second,  or  even  third  and  fourth- 
hand  mechanisms  of  an  unparagoned  dingitude, 
and  fit  only  for  the  lumbering  room  ? 

Perhaps  I  shall  be  told  that  this  wintry  ex- 
hibition is  a  mere  stopgap  and  makeshift,  until 
a  fresh  supply  of  bright  new  paintings  can  be 
procured,  and  that  it  is  ultra  vires  to  obtain 
such  for  love  or  money  before  the  merry  month 
of  May. 

Still  I  must  persist  in  denouncing  the  penny 
wisdom  and  pound  foolery  of  the  Academicals 
in  foisting  off  upon  the  public  such  ancient  and 
fish-like  articles  that  have  long  ceased  to  be  bon 
ton  and  in  the  fashion,  since  it  is  undeniable  that 
many  are  over  fifty  years,  and  some  several 
centuries  behind  the  times  1 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  29 

It  is  to  be  hoped  that  these  parsimonious 
Misters  will  soon  recognise  that  it  is  not  possible 
for  modern  up-to-date  Art  to  be  florescent  under 
this  retrograde  and  fossilized  system,  and  be 
warned  that  such  untradesmanlike  goings-on  will 
deservedly  forfeit  the  confidence  and  patronage 
of  their  most  fastidious  customers. 

Miss  Jessimina  remarked  more  than  once 
that  such  and  such  a  picture  was  not  in  her 
taste  and  she  would  never  have  chosen  it 
personally,  while  Miss  Primmett  declared  that 
she  would  not  have  had  her  likeness  taken  by 
Hon'ble  Sir  Josh  Gainsboro,  or  Misters 
Velasky  and  Vandick,  not  even  if  they 
implored  her  on  their  bended  marrowbones,  and 
that,  as  for  a  certain  individual  effeminately 
named  Etty,  it  was  a  wonderment  to  her  how 
respectable  people  could  stand  in  front  of  such 
brazen  performances !  These  remarks  are 
trivial,  perhaps,  but  even  straws  will  serve  as 
cocks  of  the  weather  on  occasions,  and,  more- 
over, I  shall  certify  that  the  most  general  tone 
was  of  a  critical  and  disapproving  severity,  and 
it  was  quite  evident  that  the  greater  portion  of 
the  spectators  could  have  done  the  job  better 
themselves. 

A  certain  Mister  Turner  came  in  for  the 
Benjamin's  mess  of  obloquy,  having  represented 
Pluto,  the  god  of  wealth,  in  the  act  of  carrying 
off  a  female  Proserpine,  but  the  figures  so  Lilli- 
putian, and  in  such  a  disproportionate  expansion 


30        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

of  confused  sceneries,  that  the  elopement  pro- 
duced but  a  very  paltry  impression.  The 
slipshod  carelessness  of  this  painter  may  be 
realised  from  the  fact  that  in  a  composition 
styled  '^  Blue  Lights  to  Warn  Steamboats  off 
Shoal  Water"  the  blue  lights  are  conspicuous  by 
their  total  absence,  and  the  mistiness  of  the 
atmospherical  conditions  renders  it  difficult  to 
distinguish  either  the  steamers  or  the  shoals  with 
even  tolerable  accuracy ! 

In  the  ulterior  room  were  sundry  productions 
from  Umbrian  and  Milanese  and  other  schools, 
such  being  presumptively  the  teaching  establish- 
ments over  which  Hon'ble  Reynolds  and 
Turner  and  Greuzy  and  Co.  predominated  as 
Old  Masters.  But  surely  it  is  unfair,  and  like 
seething  a  kid  in  the  maternal  nutriment,  to 
class  such  crude  and  hobbardyhoy  performances 
with  works  by  more  senile  hands  ! 

Here  I  observed  a  painting  to  illustrate 
scenes  in  the  life  of  an  important  celebrity,  who 
was  childishly  represented  many  times  over 
having  separate  adventures  in  the  space  of  a  few 
square  feet,  and  of  a  Brobdingnacian  bulkiness 
compared  to  his  perspective  surroundings. 

Had  this  been  the  work  of  an  Indian  artist, 
native  gentlemen  out  there  would  simply  have 
smiled  pitiably  at  such  ignorance,  and  given  him 
the  gentle  admonishment  that  he  was  only  to  make 
a  fool  of  himself  for  his  pains.  There  was  also 
a  picture  of  a  Diptych,  in  two  portions,  with  a 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  31 

background  of  gilt,  but  the  figure  of  the  Diptych 
himself  very  poorly  represented  as  an  anatomy. 

Where  all  is  so  so-so,  and  below  par,  it  is 
perhaps  invidious  to  single  out  any  for  hon'ble 
mention ;  but  loyalty  as  a  British  subject 
obliges  me  to  speak  favourably  of  a  concern  lent 
by  Her  Majesty  the  QUEEN,  and  representing  a 
bombastical  youth  engaged  in  a  snip-snap  with 
a  meek  and  inoffensive  schoolfellow,  who 
supports  himself  on  one  leg,  and  is  occupied  in 
sheltering  his  nose  behind  his  arm,  until  his 
widowed  and  aged  mother  can  arrive  to  rescue 
her  beloved  offspring  from  his  grave  crisis. 

This  at  least  can  be  commended  as  being  true 
to  nature,  as  I  can  attest  from  personal  experi- 
ence of  similar  boyish  loggerheads,  although, 
owing  to  preserving  my  sang  froid,  I  was 
generally  able  to  remove  myself  with  phenomenal 
rapidity  from  vicinity  of  shocking  kicks  by  my 
truculent  assailant. 

Let  me  not  omit  to  mention  a  painting  of 
"  Polichinelle "  by  a  Gallic  artist,  which  Miss 
Primmett  said  was  the  French  equivalent  to 
Punch.  At  which,  speaking  loudly  for  instruc- 
tion of  bystanders,  I  assured  them,  as  one 
familiarly  connected  with  Hon'ble  Punch,  who 
regarded  me  as  a  son,  such  a  portrait  was  the 
very  antipode  to  his  majestic  lineaments,  nor 
was  it  reasonable  to  suppose  that  he  would 
allow  his  counterfeit  presentment  to  be  depicted 
in  the  undignified  garbage  of  a  buffoon  ! 


32        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

I  trust  that  I  may  be  gratefully  remembered 
by  my  Liege  Lord,  and  that  he  will  be  gracious 
enough  to  entertain  me  favourably  with  some- 
thing in  the  shape  of  prize  or  bonus  in  reward 
for  such  open  testimony  as  the  above. 

I  have  only  to  add  that  the  custodian  pre- 
served the  inviolability  of  our  umbrellas  with 
honorable  fidelity,  and  that  we  moistened  the 
drooping  clay  of  our  internal  tenements  at  an 
Aerated  Tea  Company  with  a  profusion  of 
confectionaries,  for  which  my  fair  friends  with 
amiable  blandness  permitted  me  the  privilege  of 
forking  out 


In  which    Mr  Jabberjee  eX' 

presses  his  Opinions  on  Bicycl-  V 

ing  as  a  Pastime. 


In  consequence  of  the  increasing  demands  of 
the  incomparable  Miss  JESSIMINIA  upon  the 
dancing  attendance  of  your  humble  servant, 
I  am  lately  become  as  idle  as  a  newly  painted 
ship,  and  have  not  drunk  in  the  legal  wisdom 
of  the  learned  Moonshees  who  lecture  in  the  hall 
of  my  Inn  of  Court,  or  opened  the  ponderous 
treatise  of  Hon'ble  Justice  Blackstone  or 
Addison  on  Torts,  for  many  a  blank  day. 

Still,  as  Philosopher  PLATO  observed,  "  Nihil 
humani  alienuin  a  me  puto"  and  my  time  has 
not  been  actually  squandered  in  the  theft  of 
Procrastination,  but  rather  employed  in  the 
proper  study  of  Mankind,  and  acquiring  a  more 
complete  knowingness  in  Ars  Vivendi. 

So  I  think  it  worth  to  direct  public  attention 
to  the  dangers  of  a  practice  which  threatens  to 
develop  into  an  epidemical  kind  of  plague,  and 
carry  the  deteriorating  trails  of  a  serpent  over 
our  household  families,  unless  promptly  scotched 
by  benevolent  firmness  of  a  paternal  Govern- 
ment. 

Need  I  explain  I  am  alluding  to  the  nowaday 

33 


34        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

passion  for  propelling  oneself  at  a  severe  speed 
by  dint  of  unstable  and  most  precarious  ma- 
chinery ?  It  is  now  the  exception  which  breaks 
the  rule  to  take  the  air  in  the  streets  without 
being  startled  by  the  unseemly  spectacles  of  go- 
ahead  citizens  straddled  upon  such  revolutionary 
contrivances,  threading  their  way  with  breakneck 
velocity  under  the  very  noses  of  omnibus  and 
other  horses,  and  ringing  the  shrill  welkin  of  a 
tintinnabulating  gong ! 

Nay,  even  after  the  Curfew  has  taken  its  toll 
from  the  knell  of  parting  day,  and  darkness 
reigns  supreme,  they  will  urge  on  their  wild 
career,  illuminated  by  the  dim  religious  light  of 
a  small  oil  lamp  ! 

I  possess  no  knack  of  medical  knowledge,  but 
I  boldly  state  my  opinion  that  such  daredevilry 
must  necessarily  inflict  a  deleterious  result  to 
the  nervous  organisms  of  these  riders ;  and, 
who  knows,  of  their  posterity  ? 

For  no  one  can  expect  to  have  hairbreadth 
escapes  from  the  running  gauntlet  continuously, 
without  suffering  a  shattering  internal  panic, 
while  catastrophes  of  fatal  injury  to  life  and  limb 
have  become  de  rigueur. 

Experto  crede — for  I  can  support  my  obiter 
dictum  by  the  crushing  weight  of  personal  ex- 
perience. A  few  mornings  since  I  had  the 
honour  to  escort  Miss  JESSIMINA  Mankletow 
and  a  middle-aged  select  female  boarder  into 
the  interior  of  Hyde  Park.     The  day  was  fine, 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  35 

though  frigid,  and  I  was  wearing  my  fur-lined 
overcoat,  with  boots  of  patent  Japan  leather, 
and  a  Bombay  gold-embroidered  cap,  so  that 
I  was  a  mould  of  form  and  the  howling 
nob. 

Picture  my  amazement  when,  as  I  promen- 
aded the  path  beside  the  waters  of  the  Serpen- 
tine lake,  I  beheld  a  wheeled  cavalcade  of  every 
conceivable  age,  sex,  and  appearance  ;  senile 
gaffers  and  baby  buntings  ;  multitudinous 
women,  some  plump  as  a  duckling,  others  thin 
as  a  paper-thread  ;  aye,  and  even  priests  in 
sanctimonious  black  and  milk  -  white  cravats, 
rolling  swiftly  upon  two  wheels,  and  all  agog 
to  dash  through  thick  and  thin  ! 

On  seeing  which,  the  matured  lady  boarder 
did  exclaim  upon  the  difficulties  of  the  per- 
formance, and  the  vast  crowd  that  had  collected 
to  view  such  a  tour  de  force,  but  I,  perceiving  that 
those  seated  upon  the  machines  used  no  ex- 
orbitant exertions,  and,  indeed,  appeared  to  be 
wholly  engrossed  in  social  intercourse,  responded 
that  no  skill  was  required  to  circulate  these 
bicycles,  which,  owing  to  being  surrounded  with 
air-cushions,  would  proceed  propria  7notu  and 
without  meandering. 

Thereupon  Miss  Mankletow  expressed  an 
ardent  desire  to  behold  myself  upon  one  of 
these  same  machines,  and — as  we  were  now 
close  to  the  Q-^gy  of  Hon'ble  Duke  of 
Wellington    disguised    as    an    Achilles,    near 


36        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

which  were  certain  bunniahs  trafficking  with 
bicycles — I,  wishing  to  pleasure  my  fair  com- 
panion, approached  one  of  these  contractors 
and  bargained  with  him  for  the  sole  user  of 
his  vehicle  for  the  space  of  one  calendar  hour, 
to  which  he  consented  at  the  honorarium  of 
one  rupee  four  annas. 

But,  on  receiving  the  bicycle  from  his  hands, 
I  at  once  perceived  myself  under  a  total  im- 
possibility of  achieving  its  ascent  —  for  no 
sooner  had  I  protruded  one  leg  over  the 
saddle  than  the  foremost  wheel  averted  itself, 
and  the  entire  machine  bit  the  dust,  which 
afforded  lively  and  infinite  entertainment  to 
my  feminine  companions. 

I,  however,  reproached  the  bunniah  for 
furnishing  a  worn-out  effete  affair  that  was 
not  in  working  order  or  a  going  concern,  but 
he,  by  assuring  me  that  it  was  all  right,  cajoled 
me  into  trying  once  more. 

So,  divesting  myself  of  my  fur-lined  over- 
coat, which  I  commanded  a  hobbardyhoy  of  the 
sweeper  class  to  hold,  I  again  mounted  upon 
the  saddle,  while  the  proprietor  of  the  machine 
sustained  it  in  a  position  of  rectitude,  and  then, 
supporting  me  by  the  superfluity  of  my  pantaloons, 
he  propelled  me  from  the  rear,  counselling  me 
to  press  my  feet  vigorously  upon  the  paddles. 
But  it  all  proved  as  the  labour  of  Sisyphus, 
for  the  seat  was  of  sadly  insufficient  dimensions 
and    adamantine   hardihood,  and   whenever   the 


"I   INSTANTANEOUSLY  ENDURED  THE  TOTAL  UPSET!" 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  39 

bicycle-man  released  his  hold,  I  instantaneously 
endured  the  total  upset ! 

Then  again  I  reproved  him  for  his  Punica 
fideSy  informing  him  that  I  required  a  machine 
that  would  run  with  smooth  progressiveness,  pre- 
cisely similar  to  those  I  beheld  in  motion  around 
me.  To  which  he  replied  that  I  must  not  ex- 
pect to  be  able  to  ride  impromptu  as  well  as 
individuals  who  had  only  mastered  the  accom- 
plishment by  long  continuity  of  practice  and 
industry. 

"  Oh,  man  of  wily  tongue  !  "  I  addressed  him. 
"  Not  thus  will  you  bamboozle  my  supposed 
simplicity !  For  if  the  art  were  indeed  so  diffi- 
cult as  you  pretend,  how  should  it  be  acquired 
by  so  many  timid  and  delicate  feminines  and 
mere  nurselings  ?  This  machine  of  yours  is 
nothing  but  an  obsolete  hors  de  combat  with 
which  it  is  not  humanly  possible  to  work  the 
oracle !  " 

At  which,  waxing  with  indignation,  he  leaped 
upon  it,  and  to  my  surprise,  did  easily  propel 
it  in  whatsoever  direction  he  pleased,  and  its 
motive  power  appeared  to  be  similar  in  every 
respect  to  the  rest ;  so,  beguiled  by  his  repre- 
sentations that,  under  his  instructions,  I  should 
speedily  become  a  chef-dceuvre,  I  once  more 
suffered  myself  to  mount  the  machine  ;  but 
whether  from  superabundant  energy  of  my  foot- 
paddling,  or  the  alarming  fact  that  we  were 
upon  the  descent  of  a  precipitous  slope,  I  was 


40        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

soon  horrified  at  finding  that  my  instructor 
was  stripped  out,  and  I  abandoned  to  the  lurch 
of  my  Caudine  fork  ! 

Oh,  my  goodness !  My  heart  turns  to  water 
at  the  nude  recollection  of  such  an  unparalleled 
predicament,  for  the  now  unrestrained  bicycle 
vires  acquirit  eundo,  and  in  seven-league  boots  ! 
While  I,  wet  as  a  clout  with  anxiety  and 
perspiration,  did  grasp  the  handles  like  the 
horns  of  a  dilemma,  calling  out  in  agonised 
accents  to  the  bystanders, — "  Help !  I  am  run- 
ning away  with  myself!  Half  a  rupee  for  my 
life-preserver ! " 

But  they  were  all  as  if  to  burst  with  laughter, 
and  none  had  the  ordinary  heroism  to  intervene, 
and  I  with  ever  increasing  rapidity  was  borne 
helplessly  down  the  declivity  towards  the  gates 
of  Hyde  Park  Comer,  when,  by  the  benevolence 
of  Providence,  the  anterior  wheel  ran  under  a 
railing,  and  I  flew  off  like  a  tangent  into  the 
comparative  security  of  a  mud-barrow  ! 

On  my  return  and  solicitous  inquiry  for  my 
fur-lined  overcoat,  I  had  the  further  shock  to 
discover  that  it  was  solvitur  avibulando  ! 

After  such  a  shuddering  experience  and 
narrow  squeak  of  my  safety,  I  confidently 
appeal  to  the  authorities  to  extinguish  this 
highly  dangerous  and  foolhardy  sort  of  so- 
called  amusement,  or  at  the  very  least  to  issue 
paternal  orders  that,  in  future,  no  one  shall 
be  permitted  to  ride  upon  any  bicycle  possess- 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  41 

ing  less  than  three  wheels,  or  guilty  of  a  greater 
celerity  than  three  (or  four)  miles  per  hour. 

The  fair  Miss  Mankletow  amended  this 
proposal  by  suggesting  that  the  Public  should 
be  restricted  at  once  to  perambulators  ;  but  this 
is,  perhaps,  majori  cauteld,  and  an  instance  of 
the  over-solicitude  of  the  female  intellect,  for 
it  is  not  feasible  to  treat  an  adult,  who  has 
assumed  the  toga  virilis  and  tall  hat,  as  if  he 
was  still  mewling  and  puking  in  a  tucker  and 
bib. 


Dealing  with  his  Adventures  "itt 

at  Olympia. 


The  dialoquial  form  is  now  become  an  indis- 
^tx\^'^\^  factotum  in  periodical  literature,  and  so, 
like  a  brebis  de  Panurge,  I  shall  follow  the 
fashion  occasionally, — though  with  rather  more 
obedience  to  a  literary  elegant  style  of  phrase- 
ology than  my  predecessors  in  Punch  have 
thought  worth  to  practise. 

Time  :  the  other  morning.  Scene  :  the  break- 
fast table  at  Porticobello  House,  Ladbroke  Grove. 
Myself  and  other  select  boarders  engaged  in 
masticating  fowl  eggs  with  their  concomitant 
bacon,  while  intelligently  discussing  topical 
subjects  (for  we  carry  out  the  poetical  recipe 
of  "  Plain  thinking  and  high  living "). 

Miss  Jessimina  {at  the  table-head).  The 
papers  seem  eloquent  in  laudation  of  the 
Sporting  and  Military  Show  at  Olympia.  How 
I  should  like  to  go  if  I  had  anyone  to  take 
me ! 

Mr  Wylie  {stingily).  And  I  would  be  enrap- 
tured at  so  tip-top  an  opportunity,  but  for 
circumstance  of  being  stonily  broken. 

\Helps  himself  to  the  surviving  fowl  egg. 

Mr    Cossetter   {in    sepulchral   tone).       Alack  ! 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  43 

that  doctorial  prescriptions  do  nill  for  me  such 

nocturnal  jinks  ;  otherwise 

\^He  treats  himself  to  a  digestible  pill. 

Myself  {taking  a  leap  into  the  darkness  and 
deadly  breaches).  Since  other  gentlemen  are  not 
more  obsequious  in  gallantry,  I  hereby  tender 
myself  for  honour  of  accompanyist  and  vade 
mecuin. 

Miss  fess.  {lowering  the  silken  curtains  of  her 
almond-like  orbs).  Oh,  really,  PRINCE  !  So 
very  unexpected  !  I  must  obtain  the  expert 
opinion  of  my  Mamma. 

Mistress  Mankletow  did  approve  the  jaunt 
on  condition  of  our  being  saddled  by  a  select 
lady  boarder  of  the  name  of  Spink  as  a  tertium 
quid  to  play  at  propriety  ;  at  which  I  was 
internally  disgusted,  fearing  she  would  play  the 
old  gooseberry  with  our  tete-a-tete. 

Having  arrived  at  Olympia,  we  perambulated 
the  bazaar  prior  to  the  commencement  of  the 
shows,  and  here  (after  parting  with  rs,  8  for 
three  seats  on  the  balcony)  I  did  bleed  more 
freely  still,  for  Miss  JESSIMINA  expressed  a 
passionate  longing  to  possess  my  profile,  snipped 
out  of  paper  by  the  scissors  of  a  Silhouette,  for 
which  I  mulcted  one  shilling  sterling. 

And,  after  all,  although  it  proved  the  alter  ego 
and  speaking  likeness  of  my  embossed  Bombay 
cap  and  golden  spectacles,  she  found  the  fault 
that  it  rendered  my  complexion  of  a  too  exces- 
sive murksomeness  ;  not  reflecting  (with  feminine 
4 


44        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

imperceptivity)  that,  the  material  being  black  as 
a  Stygian,  this  criticism  applied  to  the  portrait- 
ures of  all  alike  ! 

Farther  on  I  presented  her  and  the  female 
gooseberry  with  a  pocket-handkerchief  a-piece, 
interwoven  by  a  mechanism  with  their  baptismal 
appellation  (another  rupee !). 

Then  we  arrived  at  a  cage  containing  an 
automatic  Devil  revealing  the  future  for  a 
penny  in  the  slit,  and  Miss  JESSIMINA  worked 
the  oracle  with  a  coin  advanced  by  myself,  and 
the  demon,  after  flashing  his  optics  and  consult- 
ing sundry  playing-cards,  did  presently  produce 
a  small  paper  which  she  opened  eagerly. 

Aliss  Jess,  {after  perusal).  Only  fancy  !  It 
says  I'm  "  to  marry  a  dark  man,  and  go  for  a 
long  journey,  and  be  very  rich."  What  ridicu- 
lous nonsense  !  do  you  not  think  so,  PRINCE  ? 

Myself  {with  a  tender  sauciness).  Poet 
Shakspeare  asserts  there  are  more  things 
in  Heaven  and  earth  than  the  Horatian  philo- 
sophy. I  am  not  a  superstitious — and  yet  this 
mechanical  demon  may  have  seen  correctly 
through  the  brick  wall  of  Futurity.  Have  you 
not  a  worshipful  adorer  who  might  be  described 
as  dark,  and  to  whose  native  land  it  is  a  long 
journey  ? 

Miss  Jess,  {with  the  complexion  of  a  tomato). 
It's  time  we  took  our  seats  for  the  performance. 
And  you  are  not  to  be  a  silly  ! 

It     is    notorious    that    the     English    female 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  45 

vocabulary  contains  no  more  caressing  and 
flattering  epithet  than  this  of  "  a  silly,"  so  that 
I  repaired  to  my  seat  immoderately  encouraged 
by  such  gracious  appreciation. 

Of  the  show,  I  can  testify  that  it  was  truly 
magnificent,  though  the  introductory  portion  was 
somewhat  spoilt  by  the  too  great  prevalence  of 
the  bicycle,  which  is  daily  increasing  its  ubiquity, 
nor  do  I  see  the  rationality  of  engaging  a  sais 
in  topped  boots  to  attend  upon  each  machine, 
under  the  transparent  pretentiousness  of  its 
belonging  to  the  equine  genus,  since  it  can'  never 
become  the  similitude  of  a  horse  in  mettlesome 
vivacity. 

My  companions  marvelled  greatly  at  the 
severe  curvature  of  the  extremities  of  the  cycle- 
track,  which  were  shaped  like  the  interior  of  a 
huge  bowl,  and  while  I  was  demonstrating  to 
them  how,  from  scientific  considerations  and 
owing  to  the  centrifugal  forces  of  gravitation,  it 
was  not  possible  for  any  rider  to  become  a  loser 
of  his  equilibrium — lo  and  behold  !  two  of  the 
competitors  made  the  facilis  descensus,  and  were 
intermingled  in  the  weltering  hotchpot  of  a 
calamity. 

But  on  being  disentangled  they  did  limp 
away,  and  it  is  allowable  to  hope  that  they 
suffered  no  serious  dismantling  of  their  vital 
organs.  Still,  I  cannot  approve  of  these  bicycle 
contentions,  which  are  veritable  provocative 
flights  at  the  providential  features. 


46        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

After  the  termination  I  conducted  my  pro- 
tegees to  the  Palmarium,  where  we  sat  under  a 
shrub  imbibing  lemon  crushes,  brought  by  a 
neat-handed  PhyUis  in  the  uniform  of  a  house- 
maid intermixed  with  a  hospital  nurse. 

Here  occurred  a  most  discomposing  contre- 
temps, for  presently  Miss  JESSIMINA  uttered  the 
complaint  that  two  strangers  were  regarding  her- 
self and  Miss  Spink  with  the  brazen  eyes  of  a 
sheep,  and  even  making  personal  comments  on 
my  nationality,  which  rendered  me  like  toad 
under  a  harrow  with  burning  indignation. 

At  length,  being  utterly  beside  myself  with 
rage,  I  summoned  one  of  the  Phyllises  and 
requested  her  to  take  steps  to  abate  the  nuis- 
ance, being  met  with  a  smiling  "  Nolo  Episco- 
pari"  So,  entreating  my  companions  not  to 
give  way  to  panic  and  leave  their  cause  in  my 
hands,  I  went  in  search  of  a  policeman. 

Unfortunately  some  time  flew  before  I  could 
find  one  at  liberty  to  understand  my  crucial 
position,  nor  could  I  obtain  from  him  a  legal 
opinion  as  to  whether  I  could  administer  a  cuff 
or  a  slap  in  the  ear  to  my  insulters  without 
incurring  risk  of  retaliation  in  kind. 

And,  on  returning  to  the  spot  with  a  large, 
stout  constable,  I  had  the  mortification  to 
discover  that  the  two  impolite  strangers  had 
departed,  and  that  Misses  Mankletow  and 
Spink  were  similarly  imperceptible. 

However,  after  prolonged  search  and  mental 


WITH   A   LARGE,    STOUT  CONSTABLE. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  49 

anxiety,  I  returned  alone,  and  was  rewarded  by- 
finding  my  fair  friends  arrived  in  safety ;  and 
hearing  that  the  two  strangers  had  explained, 
in  the  gentlemanly  terms  of  an  apology,  that 
they  had  mistaken  them  for  acquaintances. 

Consequently  I  am  thankful  that  I  did  not 
execute  my  design  of  assault  and  battery,  more 
especially  as  I  am  the  happy  receiver  of  many 
handsome  compliments  on  all  sides  upon  the 
tactfulness  and  savoir  faire  with  which  I  extri- 
cated myself  from  my  shocking  fix. 

At  which  my  countenance  beams  with  the 
shiny  resplendency  of  self-satisfaction. 


Hoiv  Mr  Jabber jee  risked  a 

sprat   to   capture   something  V  i  1 

very  like  a  Whale. 

I  AM  this  week  to  narrate  an  unprecedented 
stroke  of  bad  luck  occurring  to  the  present 
writer.  The  incipience  of  the  affair  was  the 
addressing  of  a  humble  petition  to  the  indulgent 
ear  of  Hon'ble  Punchy  calling  attention  to  the 
great  copiousness  of  my  literary  out-put,  and  the 
ardent  longing  I  experienced  to  behold  the 
colour  of  money  on  account.  On  which,  by 
returning  post,  my  parched  soul  was  reinvigor- 
ated  by  the  refreshing  draught  of  a  draft  (if  I 
may  be  permitted  the  rather  facetious  jeu  de. 
mots)  payable  to  my  order. 

So  uplifted  by  pride  at  finding  the  insig- 
nificant crumbs  I  had  cast  upon  the  journalistic 
waters  return  to  me  after  numerous  days  in  the 
improved  form  of  loaves  and  fishes,  I  wended 
my  footsteps  to  the  bank  on  which  my  cheque 
was  drafted,  and  requested  the  bankers  behind  the 
counter  to  honour  it  with  the  equivalent  in  filthy 
lucres,  which  they  did  with  obsequious  alacrity. 

After  closely  inspecting  the  notes  to  satisfy 
myself  that  I  had  not  been  imposed  upon  by 
meretricious    counterfeits,    I     emerged    with     a 


"WAS  ACCOSTED   BY  A   POLITE,    AGREEABLE   STRANGER." 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  53 

beaming  and  joyful  countenance,  stowing  the 
needful  away  carefully  in  an  interior  pocket, 
and,  on  descending  the  bank  step,  was  accosted 
by  a  polite,  agreeable  stranger,  who,  begging  my 
pardon  with  profusion,  inquired  whether  he  had 
not  had  the  honour  of  voyaging  from  India  with 
me  in  the — the — for  his  life  he  could  not  recall 
the  name  of  the  ship — he  should  forget  his  own 
name  presently ! 

"  Indeed,"  I  answered  him,  "  I  cannot  re- 
member having  the  felicity  of  an  encounter  with 
you  upon  the  Kaisar-i- Hind" 

The  Stranger  :  "  To  be  sure ;  that  was  the 
name !  A  truly  magnificent  vessel  !  I  forget 
names — but  faces,  never !  And  yours  I  re- 
member from  the  striking  resemblance  to  my 
dear  friend,  the  Maharajah  of  Bahanapur  — 
you  know  him  ? — a  very  elegant  young,  hand- 
some chap.  A  splendid  Shikarri  I  I  was 
often  on  the  verge  of  asking  if  you  were  related ; 
but  being  then  but  a  second-class  passenger,  and 
under  an  impecunious  cloud,  did  not  dare  to 
take  the  liberty.  Now,  being  on  the  bed  of 
clover  owing  to  decease  of  wealthy  uncle,  I  can 
address  you  without  the  mortifying  fear  of  mis- 
construction." 

So,  in  return,  I,  without  absolutely  claiming 
consanguinity  with  the  Maharajah  (of  whom, 
indeed,  I  had  never  heard),  did  inform  him  that 
I,  too,  was  munching  the  slice  of  luck,  having 
just  drawn  the  princely  instalment  of  a  salary 


54        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

for  jots  and  tittles  contributed  to  periodical 
Punch.  Whereat  he  warmly  congratulated  me, 
expressing  high  appreciation  of  my  articles  and 
abilities,  but  exclaiming  at  the  miserable  paucity 
of  my  honorarium^  saying  he  was  thick  as  a  thief 
with  the  Editor,  and  would  leave  no  stone  un- 
turned to  procure  me  a  greater  adequacy  of 
remuneration  for  writings  that  were  dirt  cheap 
at  a  Jew's  eye. 

And  presently  he  invited  me  to  accompany 
him  to  a  respectable  sort  of  tavern,  and  solicited 
the  honour  of  my  having  a  "  peg  "  at  his 
expense  ;  to  which  I,  perceiving  him  to  be  a 
good-natured,  simple  fellow,  inflated  by  sudden 
prosperity,  consented,  accepting,  contrary  to  my 
normal  habitude,  his  offer  of  a  brandy  panee,  or 
an  old  Tom. 

While  we  were  discoursing  of  India  (concern- 
ing which  I  found  that,  like  most  globular 
trotters,  he  had  not  been  long  enough  in  the 
country  to  be  accurately  informed),  enters  a 
third  party,  who,  it  so  happened,  was  an  early 
acquaintance  of  my  companion,  though  separated 
by  the  old  lang  sign  of  a  longinquity.  What 
followed  I  shall  render  in  a  dialogue  form. 

The  Third  party  :  Why,  TOMKINS,  you  have 
a  prosperous  appearance,  TOMKINS.  When  last 
met,  you  suffered  from  the  impecuniosity  of  a 
churched  mouse.  Have  you  made  your  fortune, 
TOMKINS? 

Mr  Tomkins.  I  am  too  easy  a  goer,  and  there 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  55 

are  too  many  rogues  in  the  world,  that  I  should 
ever  make  my  own  fortune,  JOHNSON  !  Happily 
for  me,  an  opulent  and  ancient  avuncular  relative 
has  lately  departed  to  reside  with  the  morning 
stars,  and  left  me  wealth  outside  the  dream  of 
an  avaricious ! 

Mr  Johnson  {enviously).  God  bless  my  soul ! 
Some  folks  have  the  good  luck.  {To  me, 
whispering^  A  poor  ninny-hammer  sort  of 
chap,  he  will  soon  throw  it  away  on  drakes 
and  ducks  !  {Aloud,  to  Mr  TOMKINS.)  Splendid! 
I  congratulate  you  sincerely. 

Mr  T.  {in  a  tone  of  dolesomeness).  The  heart 
knoweth  where  the  shoe  pinches  it,  JOHNSON. 
My  lot  is  not  a  rose-bed.  For  my  antique  and 
eccentric  relative  must  needs  insert  a  testa- 
mentary condition  commanding  me  to  forfeit 
the  inheritance,  unless,  within  three  calendered 
months  from  his  last  obsequies,  I  shall  have 
distributed  ten  thousand  pounds  amongst  young 
deserving  foreigners.  To-morrow  time  is  up, 
and  I  have  still  a  thousand  pounds  to  give 
away !  But  how  to  discover  genuine  young 
deserving  foreigners  in  so  short  a  space  ?  Truly, 
I  go  in  fear  of  losing  the  whole  ! 

Mr  J.  Let  me  act  as  your  budli  in  this  and 
distribute  the  remaining  thousand. 

Mr  T.  From  what  I  remember  of  you  as  a 
youth,  I  cannot  wholly  rely  on  your  discretion. 
Rather  would  I  place  my  confidence  in  this 
gentleman. 


56        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

[^Indicating  myself,  who  turned 
orange  with  pleasure. 

Mr  J.  Indeed  ?  And  how  know  you  that  he 
may  not  adhere  to  the  entire  thousand  ? 

Mr  T.  And  if  he  does,  it  is  no  matter,  if  he 
is  a  genuine  deserving.  I  can  give  the  whole  to 
him  if  I  am  so  minded,  and  he  need  not  give 
away  a  penny  of  it  unless  inclined. 

\At  which  I  was  fit  to  dance  with  delight. 

Mr  J.  I  deny  that  you  possess  the  power, 
seeing  that  he  is  a  British  subject,  and  as  such 
cannot  be  styled  a  "  foreigner." 

Mr  T.  There  you  have  mooted  a  knotty  point 
indeed.  Alas,  that  we  have  no  forensic  big-wig 
here  to  decide  it ! 

Myself  {modestly).  As  a  native  poor  student 
of  English  law,  I  venture  to  think  that,  by  dint 
of  my  legal  attainments,  I  shall  be  enabled  to 
crack  the  Gordian  nut.  I  am  distinctly  of 
opinion  that  an  individual  born  of  dusky  parents 
in  a  tropical  climate  is  a  foreigner,  in  the  eye  of 
British  prejudice,  and  within  the  meaning  of  the 
testator.  [And  here  I  maintained  my  assertion 
by  a  logomachy  of  such  brilliancy  and  erudition 
that  I  completely  convinced  the  minds  of  both 
auditors, 

Mr  f.  {grumblingly,  to  Mr  TOMKINS). 
Assuming  he  is  correct,  why  favour  him  more 
than  me  ? 

Mr  T.  Because  instinct  informs  me  that  a 
gentleman  with   such    a    face    as    his — however 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  57 

dusky — may   be   trusted,   and   with    the   untold 
gold! 

Mr  J.  (^jealously).  And  I  am  not  to  be 
trusted  !  If  you  were  to  hand  me  your  porte- 
monnaie  now,  full  of  notes  and  gold,  and  let  me 
walk  into  the  street  with  it,  do  you  doubt  that 
I  should  return  ?      Speak,  TOMKINS  ! 

Mr  T.  Assuredly  not ;  but  so,  too,  would 
this  gentleman.  {To  me,  as  Mr  JOHNSON  sneered 
a  doubt?)  Here,  you.  Sir,  take  \h\s  portemonnaie 
out  into  the  street  for  five  minutes  or  so,  I  trust 
to  your  honour  to  return  it  intact.  {After  I  had 
emerged  triumphantly  frout  this  severe  ordeal  of 
my  bona  fide.)  Aha,  JOHNSON  !  am  I  the  judge 
of  men  or  not  ? 

Mr  f.  {still  seeking,  as  I  could  see,  to  undermine 
me  in  his  friend^s  favour).  Pish  !  Who  would 
steal  a  paltry  ;^50  and  lose  ;^iooo?  If  I  had 
so  much  to  give  away,  I  should  wish  to  be  sure 
that  the  party  I  was  about  to  endow  had  cor- 
responding confidence  in  me.  Now,  though  I 
have  always  considered  you  as  a  dull,  I  know  you 
to  be  strictly  honest,  and  would  trust  you  with 
all  I  possess.  In  proof  of  which,  take  these  two 
golden  sovereigns  and  few  shillings  outside. 
Stay  away  as  long  as  you  desire.  You  will 
return,  I  know  you  well ! 

Myself  {penetrating  this  shallow  artifice,  and 
hoisting  the  engine-driver  on  his  own  petard^. 
Who  would  not  risk  a  paltry  ;^2  to  gain  ;^iooo? 
Oh,  a  magnificent  confidence,  truly ! 


58        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

Mr  J.  {to  me).  Have  you  the  ordinary  manly 
pluck  to  act  likewise  ?  If  you  are  expecting  him 
to  trust  you  with  the  pot  of  money,  he  has  a 
right  to  expect  to  be  trusted  in  return.  That 
is  logic ! 

Mr  T.  {inildly).  No,  JOHNSON,  you  are  too 
hasty,  Johnson.  The  cases  are  different.  I 
can  understand  the  gentleman's  very  natural 
hesitation.  I  do  not  ask  him  to  show  his  con- 
fidence in  me — enough  that  I  feel  I  can  trust 
him.  If  he  doubts  my  honesty,  I  shall  think 
no  worse  of  him ;  whichever  way  I  decide 
eventually. 

\Here,  terrified  lest  by  hesitation  I  had  wounded 
him  at  his  quick,  and  lest,  after  all,  he 
should    decide   to    entrust   the    thousand 
pounds  to    Mr  JOHNSON,  /  hastily  pro- 
duced all  the   specie  and  bullion   I  had 
upon  me,  including  a  valuable  large  golden 
chronometer   and   chain  of  best  English 
make,  and  besought  him    to  go  into  the 
outer  air  for  a  while  with  litem,  which, 
after   repeated   refusals,  he   at  last   con- 
sented  to   do,    leaving   Myself  and   Mr 
Johnson  to  wait. 
Mr  f.    (after   tedious  lapse    of  ten   minutes). 
Strange !       I    expected    him    back   before   this. 
But    he    is    an    absent-minded,    chuckle-headed 
chap.     Very   likely   he   is    staring   at   a    down- 
fallen  horse  and  has  forgotten  this  affair.      I  had 
better  go   in   search   of  him.      What  ?  you   will 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  59 

come,  too.  Capital !  Then  if  you  go  to  the 
right,  and   I   to  the  left,  we  cannot  miss  him  ! 

But,  alack !  we  did  ;  and,  in  a  short  time, 
both  Misters  were  invisible  to  the  nude  eye,  nor 
have  I  heard  from  them  since.  Certain  of  my 
fellow-boarders,  on  hearing  the  matter,  declared 
that  I  had  been  diddled  by  a  bamboozle-trick  ; 
but  it  is  egregiously  absurd  that  my  puissance 
in  knowledge  of  the  world  should  have  been  so 
much  at  fault ;  and,  moreover,  why  should  one 
who  had  succeeded  to  vast  riches  seek  to  rob 
me  of  my  paltry  possessions  ?  It  is  much  more 
probable  that  they  are  still  diligently  seeking  for 
me,  having  omitted,  owing  to  hurry  of  moment, 
to  ascertain  my  name  and  address ;  and  I  hereby 
request  Mr  TOMKINS,  on  reading  this,  to  for- 
ward the  thousand  pounds  (or  so  much  thereof 
as  in  his  munificent  generosity  he  may  deem 
sufficient)  to  me  at  Porticobello  House,  Lad- 
broke  Grove,  W.,  or  care  of  his  friend,  the  Editor 
of  Punch,  by  whom  it  will  (I  am  sure)  be 
honourably  handed  over  intact. 

Nor  need  Mr  TOMKINS  fear  my  reproaches 
for  his  dilatoriness,  for  there  is  a  somewhat 
musty  proverb  that  "  Procrastination  is  prefer- 
able to  Neverness." 


How  Mr  Jabberjee  delivered 

an  Oration  at  a  Ladie^  Debat-  vlll 

ing  Club. 

Miss  Spink  (whom  I  have  mentioned  supra  as 
a  feminine  inmate  of  Porticobello  House)  is  in 
additum  a  member  of  a  Debating  Female  Society, 
which  assembles  once  a  week  in  various  private 
Westbourne  Grove  parlours,  for  argumentative 
intercourse. 

So,  she  expressmg  an  anxious  desire  that  I 
should  attend  one  of  these  conclaves,  I  con- 
sented, on  ascertaining  that  I  should  be  afforded 
the  opportunity  of  parading  the  gab  with  which 
I  have  been  gifted  in  an  extemporised  allocution. 

On  the  appointed  evening  I  directed  my  steps, 
under  the  guidance  of  the  said  Miss  Spink,  to  a 
certain  imposing  stucco  residence  hard  by,  wherein 
were  an  assortment  of  female  women  conversing 
with  vivacious  garrulity,  in  a  delicious  atmosphere 
of  tea,  coffee,  and  buttered  bread. 

After  having  partaken  freely  of  these 
comestibles,  we  made  the  adjournment  to  a 
luxuriously  upholstered  parlour,  circled  with 
plush-seated  chairs  and  adorned  with  countless 
mirrors,  and  there  we  began  to  beg  the  question 
at  issue,  to-whit,  "  To  what  extent  has  Ibsen  {if 
60 


"A    WEEDY,    TALL   MALE   GENTLEMAN.' 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  63 

any)  contributed  towards  the  cause  of  Female 
Emancipation  ?  "  which  was  opened  by  a  weedy, 
tall  male  gentleman,  with  a  lofty  and  a  shining 
forehead,  and  round,  owlish  spectacle-glasses. 
He  read  a  very  voluminous  paper,  from  which 
I  learnt  that  IBSEN  was  the  writer  of  innumer- 
able new-fangled  dramas  of  very  problematical 
intentions,  exposing  the  hollow  conventionalisms 
of  all  established  social  usages,  especially  in  the 
matrimonial  department. 

When  he  had  ceased  there  was  a  universal 
and  unanimous  silence,  due  to  uncontrollable 
female  bashfulness,  for  the  duration  of  several 
minutes,  until  the  chairwoman  exhorted  someone 
to  have  the  courage  of  her  opinions.  And  the 
ice  being  once  fractured,  one  Amurath  succeeded 
another  in  disjointed  commentaries,  plucking 
crows  in  the  teeth  of  the  assertions  of  the 
Hon'ble  Opener  and  of  their  precursors,  and 
resumed  their  seats  with  abrupt  precipitancy, 
stating  that  they  had  no  further  remarks  to 
make. 

Then  ensued  another  interim  of  golden 
"  Silence  and  slow  Time,"  as  Poet  Keats  says, 
which  was  as  if  to  become  Sempiternity,  had  not 
I,  rushing  in  where  the  angels  were  in  fear  of 
slipping  up,  caught  the  Speaker  in  the  eye,  and 
tipped  the  wink  of  my  cacoethes  loquendi. 

To  prevent  disappointment,  I  shall  report  my 
harangue  with  verbose  accuracy. 

Myself  {assuming    a    perpendicular    attitude. 


64        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

inserting  one  hand  among  my  vest  buttons^  and 
waving  the  other  with  a  graceful  affability). 
"  Hon'ble  Miss  Chairwoman,  Madams, 
Misses,  and  Hon'ble  Mister  Opener,  the 
humble  individual  now  palpitating  on  his  limbs 
before  you  is  a  denizen  from  a  land  whose  be- 
nighted, ignorant  inhabitants  are  accustomed  to 
treat  the  females  of  their  species  as  small  fry 
and  fiddle  faddle.  Yes,  Madams  and  Misses,  in 
India  the  woman  is  forbidden  to  eat  except  in 
the  severest  solitude,  and  after  her  lord  and 
master  has  surfeited  his  pangs  of  hunger  ;  she 
may  not  make  the  briefest  outdoor  excursion 
without  permission,  and  then  solely  in  a  covered 
palkee,  or  the  hermetically  sealed  interior  of  a 
blinded  carriage.  {Cries  of  *  Shame!)  In  the 
Zenana,  she  is  restricted  to  the  occupation  of 
puerile  gossipings,  or  listening  to  apocryphal 
fairy  tales  of  so  scandalising  an  impropriety  that 
I  shrink  to  pollute  my  ears  bj-  the  repetition  even 
of  the  tit-bits.     {Subdued  groans!) 

"  Such  being  the  case,  you  can  imagine  the 
astonishment  and  gratification  I  have  experi- 
enced here  this  evening  at  the  intelligence  and 
forwardness  manifested  by  so  many  effeminate 
intellects.  {A  flattered  rustle  and  prolonged 
simpering!) 

"  The  late  respectable  Dr  Ben  Johnson, 
gifted  author  of  Boswell's  Biography  {applause), 
once  rather  humorously  remarked,  on  witnessing 
a  nautch  performed  by  canine  quadrupeds,  that 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  65 

— although  their  choreographical  abilities  were 
of  but  a  mediocre  nature — the  wonderment 
was  that  they  should  be  capable  at  all  to  execute 
such  a  hind-legged  feat  and  tour  de  force. 

"  Similarly,  it  is  to  me  a  gaping  marvel  that 
womanish  tongues  should  hold  forth  upon  sub- 
jects which  are  naturally  far  outside  the  radius 
of  their  comprehensions. 

"  The  subject  for  our  discursiveness  to-night 
is,  '  To  what  extent  has  Ibsen  contributed  to  the 
Cause  (if  any)  of  Female  Efnancipation  ? '  and 
being  a  total  ignoramus  up  to  date  of  the  sheer 
existence  of  said  hon'ble  gentleman,  I  shall 
abstain  from  scratching  my  head  over  so 
Sphinxian  a  conundrum,  and  confine  myself  to 
knuckling  to  the  obiter  diction  of  sundry  lady 
speakers. 

"  There  was  a  stout  full-blown  matron,  with 
grey  curl-shavings  and  a  bonnet  and  plumage, 
who  declaimed  her  opinionated  conviction  that 
it  was  degrading  and  infra  dig:  for  any  woman 
to  be  treated  as  a  doll.  (Hear,  hear.)  Well,  I 
would  hatch  the  questionable  egg  of  a  doubt 
whether  any  rationalistic  masculine  could  regard 
the  speaker  herself  in  a  dollish  aspect,  and  will 
assure  her  that  in  my  fatherland  every  cultivated 
native  gentleman  would  approach  her  with  the 
cold  shoulder  of  apprehensive  respectfulness. 
(The  bonneted  matron  becomes  ruddier  than  the 
cherry  with  complacency,  and  fans  herself 
vigorously.) 

5 


66       BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

"  Next  I  shall  deal  with  the  tall,  meagre 
female  near  the  fire-hearth,  in  abbreviated  hair 
and  a  nose-pinch,  who  set  up  the  claim  that  her 
sex  were  in  all  essentials  the  equals,  if  not  the 
superiors,  of  man.  Now,  without  any  gairish  of 
words,  I  will  proceed  baldly  to  enumerate  various 

important     physical    differentiations    which 

{Intervention  by  Hon'ble  Chairwoman,  reminding 
me  that  these  were  not  in  disputation?)  I  bow 
to  correction,  and  kiss  the  rod  by  summing  up 
the  gist  of  my  argument,  viz.,  that  it  is  non- 
sensical idiotcy  to  suppose  that  a  woman  can 
be  the  equivalent  of  a  man  either  in  intellectual 
gripe,  in  bodily  robustiousness,  or  in  physical 
courage.  Of  the  last,  I  shall  afford  an  un- 
answerable proof  from  my  own  person.  It  is 
notorious,  urbi  et  orbi,  that  every  feminine 
person  will  flee  in  panicstricken  dismay  from 
the  approach  of  the  smallest  mouse. 

"  I  am  a  Bengali,  and,  as  such,  profusely 
endowed  with  the  fugacious  instinct,  and  yet, 
shall  I  quake  in  appalling  consternation  if  a 
mouse  is  to  invade  my  vicinity  ? 

"  Certainly  I  shall  not ;  and  why  ?  Because, 
though  not  racially  a  temerarious,  I  nevertheless 
appertain  to  the  masculine  sex,  and  conse- 
quentially my  heart  is  not  capable  of  contract- 
ing at  the  mere  aspect  of  a  rodent.  This  is 
not  to  blow  the  triumphant  trumpet  of  sexual 
superiority,  but  to  prove  a  simple  undenied  fact 
by  dint  of  an  a  fortiori. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  d'j 

"  Having  pulverised  my  pinched-nose  pre- 
decessor, I  pass  on  to  a  speaker  of  a  very  very 
opposite  personality  —  the  well-proportioned, 
beauteous  maiden  with  azure  starry  eyes,  gilded 
hair,  and  teeth  like  the  seeds  of  a  pomegranate 
(oh,  si  sic  omnes  !),  who  vaunted,  in  the  musical 
accents  of  a  cuckoo,  her  right  to  work  out 
her  own  life,  independently  of  masculine  com- 
panionship or  assistance,  and  declared  that  the 
saccharine  element  of  courtship  and  connubiality 
was  but  the  exploded  mask  of  man's  tyrannical 
selfishness. 

"  Had  such  shocking  sentiments  been  aired 
by  some  of  the  other  lady  orators  in  this  room, 
I  must  facetiously  have  recalled  them  to  a 
certain  fabular  fox  which  criticised  the  unattain- 
able grapes  as  too  immature  to  merit  mastication ; 
but  the  particular  speaker  cannot  justly  be  said 
to  be  on  all  fours  with  such  an  animal.  Under- 
stand, please,  I  am  no  prejudiced,  narrow-minded 
chap.  I  would  freely  and  generously  permit 
plainfaced,  antiquated,  unmarriageable  madams 
and  misses  to  undertake  the  manufacture  of  their 
own  careers  ad  nauseajn  ;  but  when  I  behold  a 

maiden  of  such  excessive  pulchritude {Second 

intervention  by  Hon'ble  Chairwoman  desiring  me 
to  abstain  from  personal  references^  I  assure  the 
Hon'blc  Miss  Chairwoman  that  I  was  not 
alluding  to  herself,  but  since  she  has  spoken  in 
my  wheel  with  such  severity,  I  will  conclude 
with  my  peroration  on  the    subject  for  debate, 


68        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

namely,  the  theatrical  dramas  of  Hon'ble  Ibsen. 
When,  Madams  and  Misses,  I  make  the  odious 
comparison  of  these  works,  with  which  I  am 
completely  unacquainted,  to  the  productions  of 
Poet  Shakspeare,  where  I  may  boast  the 
familiarity  that  is  a  breeder  of  contempt,  I  find 
that,  in  Hamlefs  own  words,  it  is  the  *  Criterion 
of  a  Satire,'  and  I  shall  assert  the  unalterable  a 
priori  of  my  belief  that  the  melodious  Swan  of 
Stony  Stratford,  whether  judged  by  his  longitude, 
his  versical  blankness,  or  the  profoundity  of  his 
attainments  in  Chronology,  Theology,  Phreno- 
logy, Palmistry,  Metallurgy,  Zoography,  Noso- 
logy, Chiropody,  or  the  Musical  Glasses,  has 
outnumbered  every  subsequent  contemporary 
and  succumbed  them  all !  " 

With  this,  I  sat  down,  leaving  my  audience 
as  sotto  voce  as  fishes  with  admiration  and 
amazement  at  the  facundity  of  my  eloquence, 
and  should  indubitably  have  been  the  recipient 
of  innumerable  felicitations  but  for  the  fact  that 
Miss  Spink,  suddenly  experiencing  sensations 
of  insalubriousness,  requested  me,  without  delay, 
to  conduct  her  from  the  assemblage. 

I  would  willingly  make  a  repetition  of  my 
visit  and  rhetorical  triumphs,  only  Miss  SPiNK 
informs  me  that  she  has  recently  terminated  her 
membership  with  the  above  society. 


How  he  saw   the  practice  of 

the    University    Creivs,    and  \.x\. 

what  he  thought  of  it. 


The  notorious  Intercollegian  Boat-race  of  this 
anno  Domini  will  be  obsolete  and  ex  post  facto 
by  the  time  of  publication  of  the  present  instal- 
ment of  jots  and  tittles,  still  I  am  sufficiently 
presumptive  to  think  that  the  cogitations  and 
personal  experiences  of  a  cultivated,  thoughtful 
native  gentleman  on  this  coerulean  topic  may 
not  be  found  so  stale  and  dry  as  the  remainder 
of  a  biscuit. 

First  I  will  make  a  clean  bosom  with  the 
confession  that,  though  ardently  desirous  to 
witness  such  a  Titianic  struggle  for  the  cordon 
bleu  of  old  Father  Antic  the  Thames,  I  was 
not  the  actual  spectator  of  the  affair,  being 
previously  contracted  to  escort  Miss  Mankle- 
TOW  (whose  wishfulness  is  equivalent  to  legis- 
lation) to  a  theatrical  matutinal  performance, 
which  she  would  in  nowise  consent  to  renounce, 
alleging  that  she  had  already  seen  the  Boat-race 
to  the  verge  of  satiety,  and  that  the  spectacle 
was  instantaneous  and  paltry. 

However,  on  acquainting  my  kind  and  patron- 
ising father,  Hon'ble  Punch,  of  my  disappoint- 

69 


70        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

ment,  he  did  benevolently  propose,  as  a  pis  aller 
and  blind  bargain,  a  voyage  in  the  steam  launch- 
boat  of  the  official  coachman  of  one  of  the  crews 
so  that  I  might  ascertain  how  the  trick  was 
done. 

And  at  lo  A.M.  on  the  day  of  assignation  I 
presented  myself  at  the  riparian  premises  of  a 
certain  Boating  Society,  and,  on  exhibiting  my 
letter  of  credit  to  the  Mentor  or  Corypheus 
aforesaid,  was  received  a  bras  ouverts  and  with 
an  urbane  oflThandedness. 

After  I  had  hung  fire  and  cooled  my  heels 
on  the  banks  for  a  while,  I  was  instructed  to 
enter  a  skiff,  which  conveyed  me  and  others  to 
a  steamship  of  very  meagre  dimensions,  where- 
upon owing  to  the  heel  of  one  of  my  Japan 
leather  shoes  becoming  implicated  in  the  wire 
railing  that  circumvented  the  desk,  I  was  em- 
barked in  a  horizontal  attitude,  and  severely 
deteriorated  the  tall  chimneypot  hat  which  I  had 
assumed  to  do  credit  to  the  hon'ble  periodical 
I  represented.  {Nota  bene.  Hatmaker's  bill 
for  renovating  same,  2  rupees  8  annas — which 
those  to  whom  it  is  of  concern  will  please  attend 
to  and  refund.) 

On  recovery  of  my  head-gear  and  equanimity, 
I  stationed  myself  in  close  proximity  to  the 
officiating  coach  for  purpose  of  being  on  the 
threshold  of  inquiries,  and  proceeded  to  pop 
numerous  questions  to  my  neighbours.  I  ascer- 
tained, among  other  things,  that  the  vessels  are 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  71 

called  "  eights,"  owing  to  their  containing  nine 
passengers  ;  that  the  ninth  is  called  the  "  cock," 
and  is  a  mere  supernumerary  or  understudent,  in 
case  any  member  of  the  crew  should  be  over- 
come by  sickishness  during  the  contest  and 
desire  to  discontinue. 

It  appears  that  the  race  is  of  religious  and 
ceremonious  origin,  for  only  "  good  men "  are 
permitted  to  compete,  and  none  who  is  a  wine 
drunkard,  a  gluttonous,  or  addicted  to  any  form 
of  tobacco.  Moreover,  they  are  to  observe  a 
strict  fast  and  abstinence  for  many  weeks  previous 
to  the  ordeal.  The  most  prominent  ecclesiastics 
and  Judges  of  the  Supreme  Courts  are  usually 
chosen  from  this  class  of  individuals,  which  is  a 
further  proof  of  the  sanctimoniousness  attached 
to  the  competition. 

Consequently  I  was  the  more  surprised 
at  the  disrespectful  superciliousness  of  their 
Fidiis  Achates  or  dry  nurse,  who,  stretching 
himself  upon  his  stomach  in  the  prow,  did 
shout  counsels  of  perfection  at  his  receding 
pupils. 

Such  criticisms  as  I  overheard,  seemed  to  me 
of  a  very  puerile  and  captious  description,  and 
some  of  an  opprobrious  personality,  e.g.^  as  when 
a  certain  oarman  was  taunted  with  being  short 
— as  though  he  were  capable  of  adding  the  cubic 
inch  to  his  stature ! 

Another  I  heard  advised  to  keep  his  visual 
organs  in  the  interior  of  the  boat,  though,  being 


72        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

ordinary  optics  and  not  at  all  of  a  vitreous 
composition,  they  could  not  be  removable 
by  volition.  Again,  a  third  was  reproached 
because  of  the  lateness  with  which  he  had 
made  his  beginning;  but,  as  it  was  not  asserted 
that  he  was  inferior  to  the  rest,  the  tardiness 
of  his  initiation  was  surely  rather  honourable 
than  disgraceful ! 

I  observed  that  said  trainer  did  stickle  almost 
prudishly  for  propriety,  being  greatly  shocked  at 
the  levity  with  which  the  rowers  were  attired 
and  entreating  them  to  keep  their  buttons  well 
up,  though  indeed  I  could  discern  none,  nor  was 
there  much  which  was  humanly  possible  to  be 
buttoned. 

For  myself,  I  must  make  the  humble  com- 
plaint that  the  Hon'ble  Coach  was  defective  in 
courteous  attention  to  my  inquisitiveness,  which 
he  totally  ignored.  For  I  could  not  prevail  upon 
him  to  explain  what  thing  it  was  that  he  directed 
the  oarmen  to  "  wait  for,"  to  "  spring  at  from  a 
stretcher,"  and  "  catch  at  the  beginning ; "  nor 
why  they  were  forbidden  to  row  with  their 
hands,  not  being  quadrumanous,  and  able  to 
employ  their  feet  in  such  a  manner;  nor  whether 
when  he  commanded  them  to  "  get  in  at  once," 
he  intended  them  to  leap  into  the  waters  or 
to  return  to  the  landing-place,  nor  why 
they  did  neither  of  these  things ;  nor  why 
he  should  express  satisfaction  that  a  certain 
rower    had    got    rid    of   a    lofty   feather,   which 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.       .  ^i 

would  indubitably  ha\e  added  to  the  showiness 
of  his  appearance. 

Again,  hearing  him  anxiously  inquire  the 
time  after  a  stoppage,  I  was  proceeding  to 
explain  how  gladly  I  would  have  given  him 
such  information,  but  for  the  unavoidable 
absence  of  my  golden  chronometer,  owing  to 
the  failure  of  Misters  TOMKINS  and  JOHNSON 
to  restore  the  same,  whereupon  he  treated 
me  in  such  a  "  please  -  go  -  away  -  and  -  die  " 
sort  of  style  that  I  subsided  with  utmost 
alacrity. 

On  the  return  voyage  the  Collegiate  eight 
was  challenged  to  a  spurting  match  by  a 
scratched  crew,  which  appeared  to  me  to 
be  the  superior  in  velocity,  though  it  seemed 
it  was  then  too  late  to  make  the  happy 
exchange. 

When  the  practice  was  at  an  end  and  the 
Blues  in  a  state  of  quiescence,  I  intimated  my 
desire  to  harangue  them  and  express  my  wonder- 
ment and  admiration  at  beholding  them  content 
to  suffer  such  hardships  and  perils  and  fault- 
finding without  expostulation  or  excuses  for 
their  shortcomings,  and  all  for  no  pecuniary 
recompense,  but  the  evasive  reward  of  a  nominis 
uvibra.  And  I  would  have  reminded  them  of 
the  extended  popularity  of  their  performance, 
and  that  it  was  an  unfairness  to  muzzle  the  ox 
that  treadeth  upon  one's  corn,  appealing  to  them 
to  stand  up  for  their  rights,  and   refuse  to  com- 


74        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

pete  except  for  the   honorarium  of  a  quid  pro 
quo. 

But  the  official  instructor,  seeing  me  about  to 
climb  upon  the  poop,  to  deliver  my  oration, 
entreated  me  with  so  much  earnestness  to  desist 
that  I  became  immediately  aphonous. 


Mr  Jaberjee  is  taken  to  see  a  V 

Glove-Fight. 


A  YOUNG  sprightly  Londoner  acquaintance  of 
mine,  who  is  a  member  of  a  Sportish  Club 
where  exhibitions  of  fisticuffs  are  periodically- 
given,  did  generously  invite  me  on  a  recent 
Monday  evening  to  be  the  eye-witness  of  this 
gladiatorial  spectacle. 

And,  though  not  constitutionally  bellicose,  I 
eagerly  accepted  his  invitation  on  being  assured 
that  I  should  not  be  requisitioned  to  take  part 
personally  in  such  pugilistic  exercises,  and  should 
observe  same  from  a  safe  distance  and  coign  of 
vantage,  for  I  am  sufficiently  a  lover  of  sportful- 
ness  to  appreciate  highly  the  sight  of  courage 
and  science  in  third  parties. 

So  he  conducted  me  to  the  Club-house,  and  by 
the  open  sesame  of  a  ticket  enabled  me  to  pene- 
trate the  barrier,  after  which  I  followed  his  wake 
downstairs,  through  rooms  full  of  smoking  and 
conversing  sportlovers  mostly  in  festal  attire,  to  a 
long  and  lofty  hall  with  balconies  and  a  stage  at  the 
further  end  with  foliage  painted  in  imitation  of  a 
forest,  which  was  tenanted  by  press  reporters. 

The  centre  of  the  hall  was  monopolised  by  a 
white    square    platform    confined   by  a    circum- 

75 


^^       BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

ambience  of  rope,  which  I  was  informed  was 
the  veritable  theatre  of  war  and  cockpit. 

Presently  two  hobbardyhoys  made  the  ascent 
of  this  platform  with  their  attendant  myrmidons, 
and  did  proceed  to  remove  their  trouserings  and 
coats  until  they  were  in  the  state  of  nature  with 
the  exception  of  a  loincloth,  whereupon  the  Pre- 
sident or  Master  of  the  Ceremonies  introduced 
them  and  their  respective  partisans  by  name 
to  the  assemblage,  stating  their  precise  ponder- 
ability, and  that  these  juvenile  antagonists  were 
fraternally  related  by  ties  of  brotherhood. 

At  which  I  was  revolted,  for  it  is  against 
nature  and  contra  bonos  viores  that  relations 
should  be  egged  on  into  family  jars,  nor  can 
such  proceedings  tend  to  promote  the  happiness 
and  domesticity  of  their  home  circle.  However, 
on  such  occasion  when  the  youths  were  in 
danger  of  inflicting  corporal  injuries  upon  each 
other,  the  President  called  out  "  Time "  in  such 
reproving  tones  that  they  hung  their  heads  in 
shamefulness  and  desisted.  And  at  length  they 
were  persuaded  into  a  pacification,  and  made  the 
amende  honorable  by  shaking  each  other  by  the 
hand,  whereat  I  was  rejoiced,  for,  as  Poet  WATT 
says,  "  Birds  which  are  in  little  nests  should  re- 
frain from  falling  out." 

The  victory  was  adjudged  to  the  elder  brother 
— in  obedience,  I  suppose,  to  the  rule  of  Primo- 
geniture, for  he  did  not  succeed  in  reducing  his 
opponent  to  a  hors  de  combat. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  T] 

Next  came  a  more  bustling  encounter  be- 
tween Misters  BILL  HUSBAND  and  MYSTERIOUS 
Smith,  which  was  protracted  to  the  duration  of 
eight  rounds.  I  was  largely  under  the  impres- 
sion that  Mister  Husband  was  to  win,  owing  to 
the  acclamations  he  received,  and  the  excessive 
agility  with  which  he  removed  his  head  from 
vicinity  of  the  blows  of  Mister  MYSTERIOUS 
Smith. 

It  was  truly  magnificent  to  see  how  they  did 
embrace  each  other  by  the  neck,  and  the  wonder- 
ment and  suspicion  in  their  glances  when  one 
discovered  that  he  was  resting  his  chin  upon  the 
padded  hand  of  his  adversary,  and  from  time  to 
time  the  Hon'ble  Chairman  was  heard  ordering 
them  to  "  break  away,"  and  "  not  to  hold,"  or 
requesting  us  to  refrain  from  any  remarks.  And 
at  intervals  they  retired  to  sit  upon  chairs  in 
opposing  corners,  where  they  rinsed  their  mouths, 
and  were  severely  fanned  by  their  bearers,  who 
agitated  a  large  towel  after  the  manner  of  a 
punkah.  But,  in  the  end,  it  was  Mysterious 
Mister  Smith  who  hit  the  right  nail  on  the 
head,  and  was  declared  the  conquering  hero, 
though  once  more  I  was  incapacitated  to  dis- 
cover in  what  precise  respects  he  was  the  facile 
pnnceps. 

Around  the  hall  there  were  placards  announc- 
ing that  smoking  was  respectfully  prohibited, 
and  the  President  did  repeatedly  entreat  mem- 
bers of  the  audience  to  refrain  from  blowing  a 


78        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

cloud,  assuring  them  that  the  perfume  of  tobacco 
was  noxious  and  disgustful  to  the  combatants, 
and  threatening  to  mention  disobedient  tobac- 
conists by  name. 

Whereupon  most  did  desist  ;  but  some,  secret- 
ing their  cigars  in  the  hollow  of  their  hands,  took 
whiffs  by  stealth,  and  blushed  to  find  it  fame  ; 
while  others,  who  were  such  grandees  and  big  pots 
that  their  own  convenience  was  the  first  and  fore- 
most desideratum,  continued  to  smoke  with  lord- 
liness and  indifference. 

And  I  am  an  approver  of  such  conduct — for 
it  is  unreasonable  that  a  well-bred,  genteel  sort 
of  individual  should  make  the  total  sacrifice 
of  a  cigar,  for  which  he  has  perhaps  paid  as 
much  as  two  or  even  four  annas,  out  of  con- 
sideration for  insignificant  common  chaps  hired 
to  engage  in  snipsnaps  for  his  entertainment. 

The  last  competition  was  to  be  the  bonne 
bouche  and  piece  de  resistance  of  the  evening, 
consisting  of  a  rumpus  in  twenty  rounds  between 
Misters  ToM  Tracy  of  Australia,  and  Tommy 
Williams,  from  the  same  hemisphere,  at  which 
I  was  on  the  tiptoe  of  expectation. 

But,  although  they  commenced  with  dancing 
activity,  one  of  the  TOMS  in  the  very  first  round 
sparred  the  other  under  the  chin  with  such  super- 
abundant energy  that  he  immediately  became  a 
recumbent  for  a  lengthy  period,  and,  on  being 
elevated  to  a  chair,  only  recaptured  sufficient 
consciousness  to  abandon  the  sponge. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  79 

And  then,  to  my  chapfallen  disappointment, 
the  Chairman  announced  that  he  was  very  sorry 
and  could  not  help  it,  but  that  was  the  conclud- 
ing box  of  the  evening. 

I  will  reluctantly  confess  that,  on  the  whole,  I 
found  the  proceedings  lacking  in  sensationality, 
since  they  were  of  very  limited  duration,  and 
totally  devoid  of  bloodshed,  or  any  danger  to 
the  life  and  limb  of  the  performers.  For  it  is 
not  reasonably  possible  for  a  combatant  to  make 
a  palpable  hit  when  his  hands  are,  as  it  were, 
muzzled,  being  cabined,  cribbed,  and  confined  in 
padded  soft  gloves.  I  am  not  a  squeamish  in 
such  cases,  and  I  must  respectfully  submit  that 
the  Cause  of  True  Sport  can  only  be  hampered 
by  such  nursery  and  puerile  restrictions,  for  none 
can  expect  to  compound  an  omelette  without  the 
fracture  of  eggs. 

Upon  remarking  as  above  to  my  young  lively 
friend,  he  assured  me  that  even  a  gloved  hand 
was  competent  to  produce  facial  disfigurement 
and  tap  the  vital  fluid,  and  offered  to  demon- 
strate the  truth  of  his  statement  if  I  would  be 
the  partaker  with  him  in  a  glove-box. 

But,  though  doubting  the  authenticity  of  his 
assertions,  I  thought  it  prudential  to  decline  the 
proof  of  the  pudding,  and  so  took  a  precipitate 
leave  of  him  with  profuse  thanks  for  his  un- 
paragoned  kindness,  and  many  promises  to  put 
on  the  gloves  with  him  at  the  first  convenient 
opportunity. 


Mr  Jabberjee  fifids  himself  in  "V-T 

a  position  of  extreme  delicacy. 


It  is  an  indubitable  fact  that  the  discovery  of 
steam  is  the  most  marvellous  invention  of  the 
century.  For  had  it  been  predicted  beforehand 
that  innumerable  millions  of  human  beings  would 
be  transported  with  security  at  a  headlong  speed 
for  hundreds  of  miles  along  a  ferruginous  track, 
the  most  temporary  deviation  from  which  would 
produce  the  inevitable  cataclysm  and  no  end 
of  a  smash,  the  working  majority  would  have 
expressed  their  candid  opinion  of  such  rhodo- 
montade  by  cocking  the  contemptuous  snook  of 
incredulity. 

And  yet  it  is  now  the  highly  accomplished 
fact  and  matter  of  course  ! 

Still,  I  shall  venture  to  express  the  opinion 
that  the  pleasurability  of  such  railway  journeys 
is  largely  dependent  upon  the  person  who  may 
be  our  travelling  companion,  and  that  some  of 
the  companies  are  not  quite  careful  enough  in 
the  exclusion  of  undesirable  fellow-passengers. 
In  proof  of  which  I  now  beg  to  submit  an  ex- 
emplary instance  from  personal  experience. 

I  was  recently  the  payer  of  a  ceremonial  visit 
to  a    friend    of   my    boyhood,    namely,   Baboo 


"a  beaming  si.mpek  of  indescribable  suavity.' 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  83 

Chuckerbutty  Ram,  with  whom,  finding  him 
at  home  in  his  lodgings  in  a  distant  suburb,  I 
did  hold  politely  affectionate  intercourse  for  the 
space  of  two  hours,  and  then  departed,  as  I  had 
come,  by  train,  and  the  sole  occupant  of  a 
second-class  dual  compartment  divided  by  a  low 
partition. 

At  the  next  station  the  adjoining  compart- 
ment was  suddenly  invaded  by  a  portly  female 
of  the  matronly  type,  with  a  rubicund  counten- 
ance and  a  bonnet  in  a  dismantled  and  lopsided 
condition,  who  was  bundled  through  the  door- 
way by  the  impetuosity  of  a  porter,  and  occupied 
a  seat  in  immediate  opposition  to  myself. 

When  the  train  resumed  its  motion,  I  observed 
that  she  was  contemplating  me  with  a  beaming 
simper  of  indescribable  suavity,  and  though  she 
was  of  an  unornamental  exterior  and  many  years 
my  superior,  I  constrained  myself  from  motives 
of  merest  politeness  to  do  some  simperings  in 
return,  since  only  a  churlish  would  grudge  such 
an  economical  and  inexpensive  civility. 

But  whether  she  was  of  an  unusually  ardent 
temperament,  or  whether,  against  my  volition,  I 
had  invested  my  simper  with  an  irresistible  win- 
someness,  I  cannot  tell  ;  but  she  fell  to  making 
nods  and  becks  and  wreathed  smiles  which  re- 
duced me  to  crimsoned  sheepishness,  and  the 
necessity  of  looking  earnestly  out  of  window  at 
vacancy. 

At  this  she  entreated  me  passionately  not  to 
6 


84       BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

be  unkind,  inviting  me  to  cross  to  the  next 
compartment  and  seat  myself  by  her  side;  but 
I  did  nill  this  invitation  politely,  urging  that 
Company's  bye-laws  countermanded  the  placing 
of  boots  upon  the  seat-cushions,  and  my  utter 
inability  to  pose  as  a  Romeo  to  scale  the 
barrier. 

Whereupon  to  my  lively  horror  and  amaze- 
ment, she  did  exclaim,  "  Then  I  will  come  to 
you,  darling  !  "  and  commenced  to  scramble  pre- 
cipitately towards  me  over  the  partition  ! 

At  which  I  was  in  the  blue  funk,  perceiving 
the  arcanum  of  her  design  to  embrace  me,  and 
resolved  to  leave  no  stone  unturned  for  the  pre- 
servation of  my  bacon.  So,  at  the  moment 
she  made  the  entrance  into  my  compartment, 
I  did  simultaneously  hop  the  twig  into  the 
next,  and  she  followed  in  pursuit,  and  I  once 
more  achieved  the  return  with  inconceivable 
agility. 

Then,  as  we  were  both,  like  Hamlet,  fat  and 
short  of  breath,  I  addressed  her  gaspingly  across 
the  barrier,  assuring  her  that  it  was  as  if  to 
milk  the  ram  to  set  her  bonnet  at  a  poor  young 
native  chap  who  regarded  her  with  nothing  but 
platonical  esteem,  and  advising  her  to  sit  down 
for  the  recovery  of  her  wind. 

But  alack !  this  speech  only  operated  to  in- 
spire her  with  spretcB  injuria  formcB,  and  flourish- 
ing a  large  stalwart  umbrella,  she  exclaimed  that 
she  would  teach  me  how  to  insult  a  lady. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  85 

After  that  she  came  floundering  once  again 
over  the  partition,  and  guarding  my  loins,  I 
leapt  into  the  next  compartment,  seeing  the 
affair  had  become  a  sauve  qui  pent,  and  devil 
take  the  hindmost :  and  at  the  nick  of  time, 
when  she  was  about  to  descend  like  a  wolf  on 
a  fold,  I  most  fortunately  perceived  a  bell- 
handle  provided  for  such  pressing  emergencies 
and  rung  it  with  such  unparalleled  energy,  that 
the  train  immediately  became  stationary. 

Then,  as  my  female  persecutress  alighted  on 
the  floor  of  the  compartment  in  the  limp  con- 
dition of  a  collapse,  I  stepped  across  to  my 
original  seat,  and  endeavoured  to  look  as  if 
with  withers  unwrung.  Presently  the  Guard 
appeared,  and  what  followed  I  can  best  render 
in  the  dramatical  form  of  a  dialogue  : — 

The  Guard  {addressing  the  Elderly  Female, 
who  is  sitting  smiling  with  vacuity  beneath  the 
bell-pull).  So  it  is  you  who  have  sounded  the 
alarm  !     What  is  it  all  about  ? 

The  Elderly  Female  (with  warm  indignation). 
Me  ?  I  never  did !  I  am  too  much  of  the 
lady.  It  was  that  young  coloured  gentleman 
in  the  next  compartment. 

[At  which  the  tip  of  my  nose  goes 
down  with  apprehensiveness. 

The  Guard.  Indeed  !  A  likely  story  !  How 
could  the  gentleman  ring  this  bell  from  where 
he  is? 

Myself  {with    mental  presence).       Well    said, 


86        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

Mister  GUARD !  The  thing  is  not  humanly 
possible.     Rem  acu  tetigisti  ! 

The  Guard.  I  do  not  understand  Indian,  Sir. 
If  you  have  anything  to  say  about  this  affair, 
you  had  better  say  it. 

Myself  {combining  discretion  with  inagna- 
nimousness).  As  a  chivalrous,  I  must  decline 
to  bring  any  accusation  against  a  member  of 
the  weaker  sex,  and  my  tongue  is  hermetically 
sealed. 

The  Eld.  F.  It  was  him  who  rang  the 
alarm,  and  not  me.  He  was  in  this  compart- 
ment, and  I  in  that. 

The  Guard.  What  ?  have  you  been  playing 
at  Hide-and-seek  together,  then  ?  But  if  your 
story  is  watertight,  he  must  have  rung  the  bell 
in  a  state  of  abject  bodily  terror,  owing  to  your 
chivying  him  about ! 

The  Eld.  F.  It  is  false !  I  have  been  well 
educated,  and  belong  to  an  excellent  family. 
I  merely  wanted  to  kiss  him. 

The  Guard.  I  see  what  is  your  complaint. 
You  have  been  imbibing  the  drop  too  much, 
and  will  hear  of  this  from  the  Company.  I 
must  trouble  you,  Mam,  for  your  correct  name 
and  address. 

Myself  (after  he  had  obtained  this  and  was 
departing).  Mister  Guard,  I  do  most  earnestly 
entreat  you  not  to  abandon  me  to  the  tender 
mercies  of  this  feminine.  I  am  not  a  proficeint 
in  physical  courage,  and  have  no  desire  to  test 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  87 

the  correctness  of  Poet  Pope's  assertion,  that 
Hell  does  not  possess  the  fury  of  a  scorned 
woman,  I  request  to  be  conducted  into  a 
better-populated  compartment. 

The  Guard  {with  complimentary  jocosity). 
Ah,  such  young  good-looking  chaps  as  you 
ought  to  go  about  in  a  veil.  Come  with  me, 
and  I'll  put  you  into  a  smoker-carriage.  You 
won't  be  run  after  there ! 

So  the  incident  was  closed,  and  I  did  greatly 
compliment  myself  upon  the  sagacity  and  cool- 
ness of  head  with  which  I  extricated  myself 
from  my  pretty  kettle  of  fish.  For  to  have 
denounced  myself  as  the  real  alarmist  would 
have  rendered  the  affair  more,  rather  than  less, 
discreditable  to  my  feminine  companion,  and  I 
should  have  been  arraigned  before  the  solemn 
bar  of  a  police-court  magistrate,  who  might 
even  have  made  a  Star  Chamber  matter  of  the 
incident. 

All  is  well  that  is  well  over,  but  when  you 
have  been  once  bitten,  you  become  doubly 
bashful.  Consequently,  this  humble  self  will 
take  care  that  he  does  not  on  any  subsequent 
occasion  travel  alone  in  a  railway  compartment 
with  a  female  woman. 


Mr  Jabberjee  is  taken  by  sur-  V  T  T 

prise.  ^^^ 

Diligent  perusers  of  my  lucubrations  to  Punch 
will  remember  that  I  have  devoted  sundry  jots 
and  tittles  to  the  subject  of  Miss  JESSIMINA 
Mankletow,  and  already  may  have  concluded 
that  I  was  long  since  up  to  the  hilt  in  the  tender 
passion.  In  this  deduction,  however,  they  would 
have  manufactured  a  stentorian  cry  from  an 
extreme  paucity  of  wool  ;  the  actual  fact  being 
that,  although  percipient  of  the  well-propor- 
tionate symmetry  of  her  person  and  the  ladylike 
liveliness  of  her  deportment,  I  did  never  regard 
her  except  with  eyes  of  strictly  platonic  philan- 
dering and  calf  love. 

It  is  true  that,  at  certain  seasons,  the  ostenta- 
tious favours  she  would  squander  upon  other 
young  masculine  boarders  in  my  presence  did 
reduce  me  to  the  doleful  dump  of  despair,  so 
that  even  the  birds  and  beasts  of  forest  shed 
tears  at  my  misery,  and  frequently  at  meal-times 
I  have  sought  to  move  her  to  compassion  by 
neighing  like  horse,  or  by  the  incessant  rolling 
of  my  visual  organs ;  though  she  did  only 
attribute  such  ad  viisericordtam  appeals  to  the 
excessive  gravity  of  the  cheese,  or  the  immaturity 
of  the  rhubarb  pie. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  89 

But  I  was  then  a  labourer  under  the  impres- 
sion that  I  was  the  odd  man  out  of  her  affec- 
tions, and  it  is  well  known  that,  to  a  sensitive,  it 
is  intolerable  to  feel  that  oneself  is  not  the  object 
of  adoration,  even  to  one  to  whom  we  may 
entertain  but  a  mediocre  attraction. 

On  a  recent  evening  we  had  a  tite-a-tite  which 
culminated  in  the  utter  surprise.  It  was  the 
occasion  of  our  hebdomadal  dancing-party  at 
Porticobello  House,  and  I  had  solicited  her  to 
become  a  copartner  with  this  unassuming  self  in 
the  maziness  of  a  waltz  ;  but,  not  being  the 
carpet-knight,  and  consequently  treading  the 
measure  with  too  great  frequency  upon  the  toes 
of  my  fair  auxiliary,  she  suggested  a  temporary 
withdrawal  from  circulation. 

To  which  I  assenting,  she  conducted  me  to  a 
landing  whereon  was  a  small  glazed  apartment, 
screened  by  hangings  and  furnished  with  a 
profusion  of  unproductive  pots,  which  is  styled 
the  conservatory,  and  here  we  did  sit  upon  two 
wicker-worked  chairs,  and  for  a  while  were  mutu- 
ally sotto  voce. 

Presently  I,  remarking  with  corner  of  eye  the 
sumptuousness  of  her  appearance,  and  the  super- 
cilious indifference  of  her  demeanour,  which 
made  it  seem  totally  improbable  that  she  should 
ever,  like  Desdeinona,  seriously  incline  to  treat 
me  as  an  Othello^  commenced  to  heave  the  sighs 
of  a  fire-stove,  causing  Miss  JESSIMINA  to  accuse 
me  of  desiring  myself  in  India. 


90        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

I  denied  this  with  native  hyperbolism,  saying 
that  I  was  content  to  remain  in  statu  quo  until 
the  doom  cracked,  and  that  the  conservatory 
was  for  me  the  equivalent  of  Paradise. 

She  replied  that  its  similitude  to  Paradise 
would  be  more  startling  if  a  larger  proportion  of 
the  pots  had  contained  plants,  and  if  such  plants 
as  there  were  had  not  fallen  into  such  a  lean  and 
slippered  stage  of  decrepitude,  adding  that  she 
did  perpetually  urge  her  mamma  to  incur  the 
expense  of  some  geranium-blooms  and  a  few 
fairy-lamps,  but  she  had  refused  to  run  for  such 
adornments. 

And  I,  with  spontaneous  gallantry,  retorted 
that  she  was  justified  in  such  parsimony,  since 
her  daughter's  eyes  supplied  such  fairy  illumina- 
tion, and  upon  her  cheeks  was  a  bloom  brighter 
than  many  geraniums.  But  this  compliment 
she  unhappily  mistook  as  an  insinuation  that  her 
complexion  was  of  meretricious  composition,  and 
seeing  that  I  had  put  my  foot  into  a  cul-de-sac,  I 
became  once  more  the  silent  tomb,  and  exhaled 
sighs  at  intervals. 

Presently  she  declared  once  more  that  she 
saw,  from  the  dullness  of  my  expression,  that  I 
was  longing  for  the  luxurious  magnificence  of 
my  Indian  palace. 

Now  my  domestic  abode,  though  a  respectable 
spacious  sort  of  residence,  and  containing  my 
father,  mother,  married  brothers,  &c.,  together 
with  a  few  antique  unmarried  aunts,  is  not  at  all 


"I    BECAME  ONCE  MOKE  THE   SILENT   TOMB." 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  93 

of  a  palatial  architecture  ;  but  it  is  a  bad  bird 
that  blackens  his  own  nest,  and  so  I  merely 
answered  that  I  was  now  so  saturated  with 
Western  civilisation,  that  I  had  lost  all  taste  for 
Oriental  splendours. 

Next  she  inquired  whether  I  did  not  miss  the 
tiger-shooting  and  pig-sticking  ;  and  I  replied 
(with  veraciousness,  since  I  am  not  the  au  fait  in 
such  sports)  that  I  could  not  deny  a  liability  to 
miss  both  tigers  and  pigs,  and,  indeed,  all 
animals  that  were  fercB  naturce,  and  she  con- 
demned the  hazardousness  of  these  jungle  sports, 
and  wished  me  to  promise  that  I  would  abstain 
from  them  on  my  return  to  India. 

To  this  I  replied  that  before  I  agreed  to  such 
a  self-denying  ordinance,  I  desired  to  be  more 
convinced  of  the  sincerity  of  her  interest  in  the 
preservation  of  my  humble  existence. 

Miss  Jessimina  asked  what  had  she  done 
that  I  should  be  in  dubitation  as  to  her  bona 
fides  ? 

Then  I  did  meekly  remind  her  of  her  flirt- 
atious preferences  for  the  young  beef-witted 
London  chaps,  and  her  incertitude  and  disdainful 
capriciousness  towards  myself,  who  was  not  a 
beetlehead  or  an  obtuse,  but  a  cultivated  native 
gentleman  with  high-class  university  degree,  and 
an  oratorical  flow  of  language  which  was  in- 
fallibly to  land  me  upon  the  pinnacle  of  some 
tip-top  judicial  preferment  in  the  Calcutta  High 
Court  of  Justice. 


94        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

She  made  the  excuse  that  she  was  compelled 
by  financial  reasons  to  be  pleasant  to  the  male 
boarders,  and  that  I  could  not  expect  any  marked 
favouritism  so  long  as  I  kept  my  tongue  concealed 
inside  my  damask  cheek  like  a  worm  in  bud. 

Upon  which,  transported  by  uncontrollable 
emotion,  I  ventured  to  embrace  her,  assuring  her 
that  she  was  the  cynosure  of  my  neighbouring 
eyes,  and  supplied  the  vacuum  and  long-felt 
want  of  my  soul,  and  while  occupied  in  im- 
printing a  chaste  salute  upon  her  rosebud  lips — 
who'd  have  thought  it !  her  severe  matronly 
parent  popped  in  through  the  curtains  and, 
surveying  me  with  a  cold  and  basilican  eye,  did 
demand  my  intentions. 

Nor  can  I  tell  what  I  should  have  responded, 
seeing  that  I  had  acted  from  momentary  im- 
pulsiveness and  feminine  encouragement,  had  not 
Miss  Jessimina,  with  ready-made  female  wit, 
answered  for  me  that  it  was  all  right,  and  that 
we  were  the  engaged  couple. 

But  her  mother  expressed  an  ardent  desire  to 
hear  my  vivd  voce  corroboration  of  this  state- 
ment, informing  me  that  she  was  but  a  poor 
weak  widow-woman,  but  that,  if  it  should  appear 
that  I  was  merely  the  giddy  trifler  of  her 
daughter's  young,  artless  affections,  it  would  be 
her  dolesome  duty  to  summon  instantaneously 
every  male  able-bodied  inmate  of  her  establish- 
ment, and  request  them  to  inflict  deserved 
corporal  chastisement  upon  my  person  ! 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  95 

So,  although  still  of  a  twitter  with  amazement 
at  Miss  Jessimina'S  announcement,  I  considered 
it  the  better  part  of  valour  to  corroborate  it  with 
promptitude,  rather  than  incur  the  shocking 
punches  and  kicks  of  numerous  athletic  young 
commercials ;  and,  upon  hearing  the  piece  of 
good  news,  Mrs  Mankletow  exploded  into 
lachrymation,  saying  that  she  was  divested  of 
narrow-minded  racial  colour  prejudices,  and  had 
from  the  first  regarded  me  as  a  beloved  son. 

Then,  blessing  me,  and  calling  me  her  Boy, 
she  clasped  me  against  her  bosom,  where,  owing 
to  the  exuberant  redundancy  of  her  ornamental 
jetwork,  my  nose  and  chin  received  severe 
laceration  and  disfigurement,  which  I  endured 
courageously,  without  a  whimper. 

When  I  have  grown  more  accustomed  to 
being  the  lucky  dog,  I  shall  commence  cocka- 
hooping,  and  become  merry  as  a  grig.  At  the 
present  moment  I  am  only  capable  of  wonder- 
ment at  the  unpremeditated  rapidity  with  which 
such  solemn  concerns  as  betrothals  are  knocked 
off  in  this  country. 

But  if,  as  Macbeth  says,  such  jobs  are  to  be 
done  at  all,  then  it  is  well  they  were  done 
quickly. 


Drawbacks  and  advantages  of 
being  engaged.  Some  Medita- 
tions in  a  Music-hall,  together  X  T  I T 
with  notes  of  certain  things 
that  Mr  Jabberjee  failed  to 
understand. 


My  preceding  article  announced  the  important 
intelligence  of  my  bethrothal,  in  which  I  was 
then  too  much  the  neophyte  to  express  any  very 
opinionated  judgment  as  to  the  pros  or  cons  of 
my  approaching  benediction  as  a  Benedick  (if  I 
may  be  allowed  a  somewhat  humorous  pun). 

L'appetit  vient  en  mangeant,  and  I  am  blessing 
my  stars  more  fervidly  every  day  for  the  lucky 
windfall  which  has  bolted  upon  me  from  the 
blue. 

All  the  select  boarders  were  speedily  informed 
of  my  engagement,  and  the  males  though  profuse 
in  their  congratulations,  did  manifest  their  green- 
eyed  monster  by  sundry  veiled  chucklings  and 
rib-pokings,  while  the  ladies — especially  Miss 
Spink — are  become  less  pressing  in  their 
attentions,  and  address  me  as  "  Prince "  with 
increased  frequency,  and  in  a  tone  of  tittering 
acidulation. 

This,  however,  is  attributable  to  natural  dis- 
96 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  97 

appointment  ;  for  it  was  notorious  that  all  of 
them,  even  the  least  prepossessing,  were  on  the 
tiptoe  of  languishing  expectancy  that  I  should 
cast  my  handkerchief  in  one  of  their  directions. 
But  the  feminine  nature  is  not  capable  of  sustain- 
ing the  good-fortune  of  another  member  of  their 
sex  with  good-humoured  complacency ! 

On  the  other  hand,  I  enjoy  many  privileges 
and  bonuses.  I  am  permitted  to  enter  Mrs 
Mankletow'S  private  parlour  ad  libitum,  and 
there  converse  with  my  beloved,  calling  her 
"Jessie,"  and  even  embrace  her  in  moderation. 
I  may  also  embrace  her  Mother,  and  address 
her  as  "  Mamma,"  which  affords  me  raptures  of 
a  less  tumultuous  kind. 

Moreover  now,  when  I  conduct  my  inamorata 
to  an  entertainment,  it  is  no  longer  de  rigueiir  for 
any  third  party  to  impersonate  a  gooseberry ! 

The  mention  of  entertainments  reminds  me 
that,  a  few  evenings  ago,  I  escorted  her  to  a 
music-hall,  wherein,  although  I  had  previously 
believed  myself  a  past  master  in  the  shibboleth 
of  London  Cockneyisms  and  technical  ter- 
minology, I  heard  and  saw  much  which  was 
au  bout  de  mon  Latin,  and  the  head  impossible 
to  be  made  out  of  the  tail. 

E.g.,  there  were  two  young  lady-performers 
alleged  by  the  programme  to  be  "  Serios  and 
Bone  Soloists,"  whereas  they  were  the  reverse  of 
lugubrious  ;  nor  were  their  physiognomies  flesh- 
less  or  osseous  ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  so  shapely 


98        BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

and  well-favoured  that  JESSIE  did  remonstrate 
with  me  upon  the  perseverance  with  which  I 
gazed  at  them. 

And  I  could  not  at  all  find  anyone  to  explain 
to  me  the  difference  between  a  "  Comedian  "  and 
a  "  Comic  "  ;  or  a  "  Comedian  and  Patterer  "  and 
an  "  Eccentric  Comedian  "  /  or  a  "  Society  Belle  " 
and  a  "  Burlesque  Artiste  "  ;  or,  again,  "  A  Sketch 
Artiste"  and  a  "  Speciality  Dancer''  For  to  me 
they  seemed  precisely  similar.  There  were  ^^  four 
Charming  Lyric  Sisters"  who  performed  a  dance 
in  long  expansive  skirts,  and  in  conclusion  did 
all  turn  heels-over-head  in  simultaneity ;  but  this, 
it  seems,  was — contrary  to  my  own  expectancy 
— not  to  dance  a  speciality.  Speaking  for  my 
humble  part,  I  am  respectfully  of  opinion  that 
lovely  woman  loses  in  queenly  dignity  by  the 
abrupt  execution  of  a  somersault ;  however, 
the  feat  did  indubitably  excite  vociferous  ap- 
plause from  the  spectators. 

Further  there  appeared  a  couple  of  Duettists 
in  ordinary  evening  habiliments,  who  sang  in 
unison  with  egregious  melodiousness.  One  was 
plump  as  a  partridge  ;  the  other  thin  as  a  weasel ; 
and  they  related  how  they  were  both  the  adorers 
of  a  certain  lovely  damsel  called  "  SalLY,"  who 
was  the  darling  of  their  co-operative  hearts,  and 
resided  in  their  Alley.  And  of  all  the  days  in 
the  week  they  loved  Sunday,  because  then  they 
were  dressed  in  all  their  best,  and  went  for  a 
walk  with  Sally. 


"IN   GARBAGE   OF    UNPARAGONED 


SHABBINESS. " 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  loi 

I  should  have  thought  that  it  was  not  humanly 
feasible  for  SALLY  to  continue  such  periodical 
promenades  without  exhibiting  some  preferential 
kind  of  choice,  either  for  the  partridge  or  the 
weasel,  and  that  such  a  triangular  courtship  and 
triple  alliance  would  infallibly  terminate  in  the 
apple  of  discord,  but  Jessie  did  assure  me  that 
it  was  quite  usual  and  the  correct  cheese  for  a 
girl  to  have  more  than  one  beau  upon  her 
string. 

I  made  the  further  observation  that  the 
Comedians  and  Comics  must  be  reduced  to 
extreme  pauperism,  since  they  presented  them- 
selves before  a  well-dressed,  respectable  audience 
in  garbage  of  unparagoned  shabbiness,  and  with 
hair  of  unbrushed  wildness,  and  needing  im- 
mediate tonsure. 

One  songster  did  offer  some  excuse  for  the 
poverty  of  his  appearance,  telling  us  his  hard 
case,  how  that  he  was  occupied  in  declaring  his 
passion  to  a  beauteous  damsel,  when  she  was 
"  all  over  him  in  a  minute,"  and,  while  he  was 
making  love  to  the  pretty  stars  above,  she  cleared 
out  all  his  pockets  in  a  minute !  At  which 
many  laughed  ;  but,  though  Jove  is  said  to 
regard  lovers'  perjuries  with  cachinnation,  I  could 
not  help  feeling  the  most  pitiable  sympathy  for 
such  a  disappointing  conclusion  to  a  love  affair, 
seeing  that  it  is  impossible  for  the  comeliest 
nymph  who  returns  her  admirer's  devotion  by 
stealing  his  purse,  and  similar  trash,  to  remain 


I02      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

posed  any  longer  upon  the  towering  pedestal  of 
an  ideal.  Upon  making  this  remark  to  JESSIE, 
however,  she  uttered  the  repartee  that  I  was  the 
silly  noodle  ;  though  she  is,  I  am  sure,  notwith- 
standing her  attachment  to  gewgaws,  not  capable 
of  descending  personally  to  such  light-fingered 
tactics. 

I  was  additionally  bewildered  by  a  chorus 
chanted  by  one  of  the  Society  Belles,  which  I 
took  down  verbatim,  in  the  hope  of  a  solution. 
It  was  as  follows  :  "  For  I  like  a  good  liar, 
indeed  I  do !  Provided  he  comes  out  with 
something  new !  But  why  did  he  tell  me  that 
story  with  whiskers  on,  why,  why,  why  ?  " 

Now  to  me  it  is  wholly  incomprehensible  that 
the  female  intelligence  should  admire  mendacity 
in  the  opposite  sex  on  the  sole  conditions  that 
the  said  liar  should  present  himself  in  some 
novel  article  of  attire,  and,  previously  to  relating 
his  untruth,  remove  from  his  cheeks  any  hirsute 
appendages.  One  of  the  boarders  whom  I 
consulted  on  the  subject  attempted  to  persuade 
me  that  it  was  the  story  that  had  the  whiskers  ; 
but  it  is  nonsensical  to  suppose  that  a  purely 
abstract  affair  like  an  untruth  could  be  furnished 
with  capillary  growth,  which  belongs  to  the 
concrete  department. 

There  was  a  lady  described  as  an  "  incom- 
parable Comedienne,"  who  was  the  victim  of 
unexampled  bad  luck.  For  she  had  purchased 
a  camera  (which  she  exhibited  to  the  assembly), 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  103 

and  with  this  she  had  gone  about  photographing 
landscapes  and  other  sceneries.  But,  lack-a- 
daisy !  no  sooner  were  they  printed  than  the 
pictures  were  discovered  to  be  irretrievably  spoilt 
by  objects  in  the  foreground  of  such  doubtful 
propriety  that  they  were  not  exactly  fit  to  place 
among  her  brick-backs,  so  she  was  compelled  to 
keep  them  in  a  drawer  among  her  knick-nacks ! 

I  should  have  liked  her  to  inform  us  where 
such  a  faulty  mechanism  was  procured,  and  why 
she  did  not  exchange  it  for  one  of  superior 
competency. 

She  was  succeeded  on  the  stage  by  a  little  girl 
with  a  hoop,  who  bore  a  striking  resemblance  to 
her  predecessor,  and  was  probably  her  infantile 
daughter.  This  child  was  evidently  of  a  greatly 
inquisitive  disposition,  and  asked  many  questions 
of  her  progenitors  which  they  were  unable  to 
answer,  bidding  her  not  to  bother,  and  to  go 
away  and  play. 

Then  she  asked  a  juvenile  boy  (who  remained 
invisible),  called  "  Johnny  Jones,"  and  informed 
us  that  "  she  knew  now."  But  I  was  still  in 
the  total  darkness  as  to  the  answers,  which  even 
Jessie  declared  that  she  was  "  Davus  non 
CEdipus"  and  not  able  to  provide  with  the 
correct  solutions. 

Upon  the  whole,  I  am  of  opinion  that  music- 
halls  are  more  fertile  in  mental  puzzlement  and 
social   problems,  and   more  difficult  of  compre- 
hension, than  theatrical  entertainments. 
7 


I04     BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

This  is,  no  doubt,  why  the  spectators  are 
allowed  to  consume  liquors  and  sandwiches 
throughout  the  performance,  since  it  is  well 
known  that  the  brain  cannot  carry  on  its  modus 
operandi  with  efficiency  if  the  stomach  is  in  the 
beggarly  array  of  an  empty  box  ! 


Mr  Jabberje^s  fellow-student 
Whafs  in  a  Title?  An  in- 
vitation to  a  Wedding.  Mr 
T.  as  a  wedding  guest,  with  ^\\T 

what  he  thought  of  the  cere- 
mony, and  how  he  dis- 
tinguished himself  on  the 
occasion. 


There  is  a  certain  English  young  fellow- 
student  of  mine — to  wit  and  videlicet,  HOWARD 
Allbutt-Innett,  Esquire,  with  whom  I  have 
succeeded  in  scratching  an  acquaintance  at 
sundry  Law  Lectures,  and  in  the  Library  of 
my  Inn  of  Court — a  most  amiable  tip-top  young 
chap,  who  is  "  the  moulded  glass  of  fashionable 
form,"  and  cap-in-hand  with  innumerable  aristo- 
cratic nobs. 

Seeing  that  I  had  (at  an  earlier  period)  been 
a  more  diligent  attendant  and  note-taker  of 
lectures  than  himself,  he  did  pay  me  the  trans- 
cendent compliment  of  borrowing  the  loan  of 
my  note-book,  which,  to  my  grateful  astonish- 
ment, he  condescended  to  bring  back  personally 
to  Porticobello  House,  saying  that  he  had  found 
my  notes  magnificent,  and  totally  incompre- 
hensible to  his  more  limited  intellect ! 

In    additunt,  he  graciously   accepted    my  in- 


io6      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

vitation  to  ascend  to  the  drawing-room,  where 
I  introduced  him  freely  to  several  select  lady 
boarders  as  my  alter  ego  and  Fidus  Achates. 

On  taking  his  leave,  he  expressed  some 
marvelling  that  I  should  have  concealed  my 
superior  rank  under  the  reticence  of  a  napkin, 
having  observed  that  I  was  addressed  as 
"  Prince "  by  more  than  one  of  the  softer-sexed 
boarders. 

I  replied  that  I  attached  no  valid  importance 
to  the  nominis  umbra  of  such  a  barren  title, 
and  that  the  contents  of  what  there  is  nothing 
in  must  necessarily  be  naught. 

He  answered  me  warmly  that  he  entirely 
joined  issue  with  me  in  such  an  opinion,  and 
that  he  was  often  affected  to  sickishness  by  the 
snobbery  of  mundane  society,  adding  that  he 
hoped  I  would  give  him  the  look  up  at  his 
paternal  mansion  in  Prince's  Square,  Bayswater, 
shortly,  since  his  people  would  be  overjoyed 
at  making  my  acquaintance,  which  both  en- 
raptured and  surprised  me,  for  hitherto  he  had 
ridden  the  high  and  rough-shoed  horse,  and 
employed  me  to  suck  my  brains  as  a  cat's 
foot. 

And  odzookers !  before  many  days  I  was 
the  recipient  of  a  silver-lettered  missive,  stating 
that  Mr  and  Mrs  Leofric  Allbutt-Innett 
did  request  the  honour  of  Prince  Jabberjee's 
company  at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter, 
Clorinda  Isabel,  with  Mr  Overton  Wood- 


"THE   SPECTATORS   SAI-UTED    ME   WITH    SHOUTS   OF  JOY   AS   THE 
RETURNED   SHAHZADAR.  " 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  109 

beigh-Smart,  at  a  certain  sacred  Bayswater 
edifice. 

This  I  eagerly  accepted,  perceiving  that  my 
friend  must  have  eulogised  to  his  parents  my 
legal  accomplishments  and  forensic  acumen. 

When  I  did,  in  all  my  best,  obey,  alighting 
at  the  church  in  my  embossed  cap,  shawl 
neckcloth,  a  pair  of  yellow  glove  -  kids,  and 
patented  Japan  shoes,  the  spectators  saluted 
me  with  shouts  of  joy  as  the  returned  Shah- 
ZADAR,  which  caused  me  to  bow  profusely, 
while  the  driver  of  the  hansom  petitioned  an 
additional  sixpence. 

The  interior  of  the  church  was  dim  and 
crowded  with  feminines,  and  I  could  only  hear 
flutters  and  rustlings,  together  with  a  subdued 
mumble  at  the  remoter  end — which  I  ascer- 
tained to  be  the  ceremony.  Then  followed 
the  long  stop  and  awkward  pause,  accompanied 
on  the  organ,  and  at  length  all  the  company 
stood  on  seats  and  the  tiptoe  of  expectation, 
as  the  bridal  procession  moved  slowly  down 
the  central  passage  amidst  the  congratulations 
of  their  friends  and  nearest  relations. 

Not  being  desirous  to  hide  under  a  bushel, 
I  did  press  myself  forward,  and  addressing  a 
lady  whom  I  took  to  be  the  bride,  I  felicitated 
her  loudly,  wishing  that  she  might  never  become 
a  widow,  or  use  vermilion  on  her  grey  head, 
and  that  she  might  wear  the  iron  bangle,  and 
get  seven  male  children. 


no      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

Unhappily  the  serene  ray  of  my  goodwill 
was  born  to  blush  unseen  in  the  dark  un- 
fathomed  cave  of  a  desert  ear,  for  the  actual 
recipient  of  my  compliments  was  an  unmarried 
spinster  relative,  who  had  already  passed  the 
years  of  discretion. 

Mrs  Allbutt-Innett  welcomed  me  with 
cordial  effusiveness,  insisting  that  I  should 
honour  them  by  visiting  their  residence,  and 
critically  inspecting  the  nuptial  gifts,  to  which 
I  consented. 

On  my  arrival,  I  held  a  lengthy  colloquy 
with  the  happy  bridegroom,  from  whom  I  was 
anxious  to  obtain  particulars  of  English  marriage 
customs,  such  as  whether  he  would  be  required 
to  spend  the  evening  in  having  his  ears  pulled, 
and  other  facetious  banterings  by  his  mother- 
in-law  and  sisters-in-law,  as  in  India. 

But  he  seemed  oppressed  by  so  severe  a 
bashfulness  that  I  could  extract  no  information 
from  him,  and  presently  the  father  of  the  bride 
came  up  and  conducted  me  into  an  apartment 
wherein  was  a  kind  of  bazaar,  or  exhibition  of 
clocks  and  lamps  and  stationery  cases  and 
knives  and  forks  and  other  trinkets  and  gewgaws, 
none  of  which  appeared  to  me  at  all  different 
from  similar  objects  in  shop  windows. 

However,  the  greatest  admiration  and  wonder- 
ment were  expressed  by  all  who  entered,  and 
I  found  that  the  host  was  under  grave  appre- 
hensiveness  that  the  presents   might   be  looted 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  iii 

by  the  more  unscrupulous  of  the  guests,  for  he 
pointed  out  to  me  a  sharp-eyed,  shy  gentleman 
in  a  corner,  who,  he  informed  me,  was  a  disguised 
police-officer.  This,  at  first,  I  was  loth  to 
believe,  but  was  assured  that  it  was  a  necessary 
precaution. 

Still,  I  will  presume  to  point  out  that  the 
simulation  by  a  policeman  of  the  ordinary 
character  of  a  friend  of  the  family  and  fellow- 
rejoicer,  is  a  rather  reprehensible  trap  to  catch 
a  sleeping  weasel,  since  those  whose  honesty 
is  not  invariably  above  par  may  be  lulled  into 
the  false  security  by  his  civilian  get-up.  And 
I  did  assure  him,  privately,  that  it  was  totally 
unnecessary  to  keep  an  eye  on  myself,  who 
was  a  native  University  man  with  no  necessity  or 
natural  taste  for  peculation,  but  that  I  would 
infallibly  inform  him  if  I  should  succeed  at 
detecting  any  attempted  dishonesty. 

Later  I  was  ushered  into  the  refreshment- 
room,  and  partook  of  a  pink  ice,  with  champagne- 
wine  and  strawberries,  after  which  I  entreated 
leave  of  Mrs  Allbutt-Innett  to  deliver  a 
nuptial  oration.  And  she,  overjoyed  at  my 
happy  thought,  did  loudly  request  silence  for 
Prince  jABBERjEE,  who  was  to  utter  a  few 
very  brief  utterances. 

So  as  they  became  all  ears,  I  addressed  them, 
describing  how,  in  my  native  country,  at  such 
a  bridal  feast  and  blow-out,  it  was  customary 
for  the  bridegroom's  mother  to  eat  a  sevenfold 


112      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

repast,  for  fear  of  a  subsequently  empty  stomach  ; 
but  the  bride's  mother,  on  the  contrary,  will 
touch  nothing,  feeling  that  the  more  she  fasts 
then,  the  more  provender  will  fall  to  her  later 
on.  And  I  facetiously  added  that,  on  the 
present  occasion,  I  had  the  certainty  that  both 
the  mothers  might  indulge  their  appetites  ad 
libitum. 

Next  I  recounted  how,  during  a  former  boyish 
wedding  of  my  own,  my  wife's  mother  after,  as 
was  befitting,  setting  a  conical  tinselled  cap 
upon  my  head,  and  placing  ten  rings  of  twigs 
upon  my  ten  fingers,  and  binding  my  hands 
with  a  weaver's  shuttle,  did  say,  "  I  have  bound 
thee,  and  bought  thee  with  cowries,  and  put 
a  shuttle  between  thy  fingers  ;  now  bleat  then 
like  a  lamb."  Whereupon  I,  being  of  a  jokish 
disposition,  did,  unexpectedly  and  contrary  to 
usage,  cry  "  Baa  "  loudly,  causing  my  mother-in- 
law  to  fear  that  I  was  a  dull — until  that  night 
in  the  Zenana  she  had  the  great  happiness  to 
overhear  me  outwitting  all  the  females  present 
by  the  sprightliness  of  my  badinage. 

And  I  was  proceeding,  amidst  vociferous 
cachinnation,  to  enumerate  some  of  my  most 
lively  sallies,  when  the  bride's  father  did  take 
me  by  the  arm,  and  drawing  me  aside,  inform 
me  that  the  young  couple  were  just  about  to 
start  for  their  wedding  journey,  and  that  I  was 
urgently  required  to  see  them  depart. 

I  observed  that  here,  as  with  us,  it  is  the  custom 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  113 

to  scatter  rice  upon  the  head  of  the  bridegroom 
— but  neither  treacle  nor  spices.  Moreover, 
this  complimentary  shower  is  extended  to  the 
bride  and  the  carriage-horses,  and  hurled  with 
athletic  vigorousness,  while  it  is  a  point  of 
honour  to  knock  off  the  coachman's  hat  with 
a  female  satin  slipper. 

I  was  disappointed  to  see  that  both  the 
happy  pair  had  cast  aside  their  gorgeous  wed- 
ding garments,  and  put  on  quite  ordinary  and 
everyday  attire,  which,  if  not  due  to  excessive 
parsimoniousness,  must  originate  in  a  shame- 
faced desire  to  conceal  their  state  of  connubiality 
though  it  might  be  reasonably  anticipated  that 
they  should  rather  be  anxious  to  manifest  their 
triumphant  good-luck  pro  bono  publico. 


Mr  Jahberjee  is  asked  out  to 
dinner.  Unreasonable  be- 
haviour of  his  betrothed. 
His  doubts  concerning  the 
social  advantages  of  a  Board-  VT/ 

ing  Establishment^  with  some 
scathing  remarks  upon  ambi- 
tious pretenders.  He  goes 
out  to  dinner^  and  meets  a 
person  of  some  importance. 


The  pleasing  impression  produced  by  this 
humble  self  upon  both  Mister  and  Mrs  All- 
BUTT-Innett  at  the  wedding  of  their  eldest 
daughter  became  speedily  prolific  of  golden 
fruit  in  the  request  of  the  honour  of  my  com- 
pany for  dinner  at  8.15  P.M.  on  a  subsequent 
evening. 

Incidentally  recounting  this  prime  compliment 
to  my  lovely  JESSIMINA,  I  was  astounded  that 
she  did  not  share  my  jubilations,  but  was,  on  the 
contrary,  the  sore  subject  at  not  being  included 
in  such  invitation,  which,  as  I  explained,  was 
totally  irrational,  seeing  that  the  inviters  re- 
mained unaware  of  her  nude  existence.  She, 
however,  maintained  that  I  ought  to  have 
mentioned  that  I  was  an  affianced,  and  have 
refused  to  sit  at  any  banquet  at  which  she  was 


"SOME    HAUGHTY    MASCUI.INK    MIGHT    INSULT    HER    UNDER 
MY   VERY    NOSE." 


lABBERJEE,  B.A.  117 

fobbed  off  with  a  cold  shoulder.  This  again 
was  absurd,  since  the  moiety  of  a  loaf  is  pre- 
ferable to  total  deprivation  of  the  staff  of  life, 
and  moreover,  in  my  country,  it  is  customary  for 
the  husband-elect  to  take  his  meals  apart  from 
his  bride  that  is  to  be  ;  nor  does  she  ever  touch 
food  until  he  has  previously  assuaged  his  pangs 
of  hunger.  Notwithstanding,  she  would  not  be 
pacified  until  I  had  bestowed  upon  her  a  gold 
and  turqoise  ring  of  best  English  workmanship, 
as  an  olive-branch  and  calumet  of  peace. 

But,  outside  Porticobello  House,  I  have  been 
close  as  wax  on  the  subject  of  my  flowery 
chains,  and  it  was  especially  inconceivable  that 
I  should  inform  my  friend  HOWARD  of  same, 
since  he  has  frequently  bantered  me  in  wonder- 
ment that  a  respectable  Oriental  magnate  should 
reside  in  such  a  very  ordinary  and  third-rate 
boarding  establishment,  where  it  was  an  impossi- 
bility to  gain  any  real  familiarity  with  smart 
and  refined  English  society. 

And  who  knows  that  if  I  should  introduce 
Miss  Jessie  into  company  of  a  superior  caste, 
some  haughty  masculine  might  insult  her  under 
my  very  nose  ;  and  lack-a-daisy  !  where  would 
she  find  a  protector  ? 

I  am  certainly  oppressed  by  an  increasing 
dubiety  whether  Mrs  Mankletow  is  verily 
such  an  upper  crustacean  and  habituee  of  the 
beau  monde  as  she  did  represent  herself  to  be. 
It    is   well-nigh   incomprehensible   that   any   in- 


ii8      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

dividual  should  seek  to  appear  of  a  higher  social 
status  than  Nature  has  provided  ;  but  my  youth- 
ful acquaintance,  Allbutt-Innett,  Jun.,  Esq., 
informs  me  that  this  is  a  common  failing  among 
the  English  classes,  who  fondly  imagine  that 
nothing  is  needed  to  render  a  frog  the  exact 
equivalent  to  an  ox  except  an  increased  quantity 
of  air,  forgetting  that  if  a  frog  is  abnormally 
inflated,  it  is  apt  to  provide  the  rather  ludicrous 
catastrophe  of  exploding  from  excessive  swel- 
lishness  1 

However  revenons  a  nos  moutons — id  est,  the 
dinner  party. 

I  intended  to  be  the  early  bird  at  Prince's 
Square,  but,  owing  to  a  rarity  among  the 
hansom  cabs,  did  not  arrive  until  most  of  the 
guests  were  already  assembled,  being  welcomed 
with  effusive  hospitality  by  the  household  god 
and  goddess,  Mr  and  Mrs  Allbutt-Innett, 
who  begged  leave  to  present  to  me  all  the  most 
distinguished  of  their  friends. 

Then — pop,  and  d  Vimproviste — the  door  was 
thrown  open,  and  a  butler  announced  ore 
rotundo.  Sir  Chetwynd  CUMMERBUND,  whom, 
in  the  wink  of  an  eye,  I  recognised  as  an  ex- 
Justice  of  the  very  court  in  Calcutta  in  which 
my  male  progenitor  practices  as  a  mook-tear, 
or  attorney,  and  who,  moreover,  was  familiar 
with  myself  almost  ab  ovo,  having  been  more 
than  once  humbly  presented  to  his  notice  by  my 
said  father,  with   a   request   for   his  patronising 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  119 

opinion  of  my  abilities,  and  the  feasibility  of  my 
education  at  a  London  Inn  of  Court ! 

Oh,  my  gracious  !  I  was  as  if  to  sink  through 
the  carpet,  and  sought  to  draw  in  my  horns  of 
dilemma  behind  a  column,  when,  to  my  uncon- 
trollable dismay,  my  hostess  led  him  towards  me, 
with  the  remark  that  he  was  probably  already 
acquainted  in   India   with  His  Highness  Prince 

jABBERJEE. 

The  Hon'ble  Retired  Judge  at  this  did 
merely  smile  indulgently,  observing  that  India 
was  a  country  of  considerable  extensiveness, 
and  inquiring  of  me  in  my  own  tongue  where 
my  raj  was  situated,  and  the  strength  of 
my  army,  though  with  a  scintillation  in  his 
visual  organs  that  told  me  he  knew  me  perfectly 
well. 

And  I,  realising  that  honesty  was  my  best 
policy  of  insurance  from  his  displeasure,  did 
throw  myself  frankly  on  the  mercy  of  the  Court, 
protesting  volubly  in  native  language  that  I  was 
an  industrious  poor  Bengali  boy,  and  had  always 
regarded  him  as  my  beloved  father ;  that  I  was 
not  to  blame  because  certain  foolish,  ignorant 
persons  imagined  me  to  be  some  species  of 
Rajah ;  and  earnestly  representing  to  him  that 
our  kind  mutual  hostess  would  be  woefully 
distressed  by  any  disclosures.  "  Let  your 
Hon'ble  Ludship,"  I  said,  "  only  remain  her- 
metically sealed,  and  preserve  this  as  a  trade 
secret,  and   my   sisters,  sisters-in-law,  and   aunts 


I20     BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

shall  always  chant  hymns  on  the  Ganges  for 
your  Honour's  felicities  !  " 

His  Honour,  laughing  good-naturedly,  did  tell 
me  that  if  I  liked  to  assume  the  plumes  of  a 
daw,  it  was  no  affair  of  his,  and  kindly  promised 
to  respect  my  confidences — at  which  I  was 
greatly  relieved.  Indeed,  throughout  the  even- 
ing, nothing  could  exceed  his  affability,  for, 
being  seated  on'  the  other  side  of  the  hostess, 
opposite  myself,  he  showed  me  the  greatest 
honour  and  deference,  frequently  requesting  my 
views  on  such  subjects  as  Increased  Representa- 
tion of  the  People  of  India,  the  National  Con- 
gress, and  so  forth ;  upon  which,  being  now 
perfectly  reassured  and  at  my  ease,  I  discoursed 
with  facundity,  and  did  loudly  extol  the  intel- 
lectual capacity  of  the  Bengalis,  as  evinced  by 
marvellous  success  in  passing  most  difficult 
exams.,  and  denouncing  it  as  a  crying  injustice 
and  beastly  shame  that  fullest  political  powers 
should  not  be  conceded  to  them,  and  that  they 
should  not  be  eligible  for  all  civil  appoint- 
ments pari  passu,  or  even  in  priority  to  English- 
men. 

Wherein  his  Honour  did  warmly  agree,  assur- 
ing me  with  fatherly  benignancy  of  the  pleasure 
with  which  he  would  hear  of  my  appointment 
to  be  Head  of  a  District  somewhere  on  the 
Punjab  frontier,  and  mentioning  how  a  certain 
native  Bengali  gentleman  of  his  acquaintance. 
Deputy- Commissioner    Grish    Chunder     D£, 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  121 

Esq.,  M.A.,  had  distinguished  himself  splendidly 
(according  to  the  printed  testimony  of  Hon'ble 
Kipling)  in  such  a  post  of  danger. 

I  replied,  that  I  was  not  passionately  in  love 
with  personal  danger,  and  that  in  my  case 
cedant  anna  togcs,  and  my  tongue  was  mightier 
than  my  sword,  but  that  there  was  no  doubt 
that  we  Bengalis  were  intellectually  competent 
to  govern  the  whole  country,  provided  only  that 
we  were  backed  up  from  behind  by  a  large 
English  military  force  to  uphold  our  authority, 
as  otherwise  we  should  soon  be  the  pretty 
pickles,  owing  to  brutal  violence  from  Sikhs, 
Rajputs,  Marathas,  and  similar  uncivilised  coarse 
races. 

And  Sir  Chetwynd  expressed  his  lively 
satisfaction  that  I  appreciated  some  of  the 
advantages  of  the  British  occupation. 

Thus,  through  my  presence  of  mind  in  boldly 
grappling  with  the  nettle,  I  turned  what  might 
have  been  a  disaster  into  a  conspicuous  triumph, 
for  all  the  company,  seeing  the  favour  I  was  in 
with  such  a  big  wig  as  Hon'ble  Cummerbund, 
listened  to  me  with  spell-bound  enchantment, 
especially  my  friend  Howard's  sprightly  young 
sister,  a  damsel  of  distinguished  personal  attrac- 
tiveness, who  was  seated  on  my  other  side. 
Her  birth-name  is  LOUISA-GWENDOLEN  ;  but 
her  family  and  intimates,  so  she  did  inform  me, 
call  her  "  Wee-Wee." 

Of  the  dinner  itself  I  can    speak  highly,  as 


122      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

being  inexpressibly  superior,  both  in  stylishness 
of  service  and  for  the  quality  of  the  food, 
etc.,  to  any  meals  hitherto  furnished  by  Mrs 
Mankletow's  mahogany  board.  Neverthe- 
less, I  wondered  to  find  the  Allbutt-Innetts 
behind  the  times  in  one  respect,  viz.,  the 
lighting,  which  was  with  old-fashioned  candles 
and  semi-obscured  lamps,  instead  of  the  more 
modern  and  infinitely  more  brilliant  illumina- 
tion of  gas !  Here,  at  least,  though  in  other 
particulars  of  very  mediocre  elegance,  I  must 
pronounce  Porticobello  House  the  more  up  to 
date. 

In  taking  leave,  I  did  thank  Hon'ble  Sir 
Chetwynd  Cummerbund  profusely  for  so 
discreetly  retaining  its  feline  contents  within 
the  generous  bag  of  his  mouth,  whereat  he 
clapped  my  back  very  cordially,  advising  me 
to  abstain  for  the  future  from  a  super-abundance 
of  frills,  since  the  character  of  a  diligent  legal 
native  student  was  a  precious  lily  that  needed 
no  princely  gilding,  and  adding  that  he  was 
indebted  to  me  for  a  most  entertaining  and 
mirthful  evening.  This  I  do  not  understand,  as 
I  had  not  uttered  any  of  the  facetious  puns  and 
conceits  wherewith  it  is  my  wont — when  I  will* 
— to  set  the  table  in  a  simper. 

But  possibly  I  may  have  spoken  rather 
humorously  unawares,  and   it   is   proverbial   that 

*  This  is  a  fairly  sample  specimen,  though  I  have  frequently 
surpassed  it  in  waggish  drollery. — H.  B.  J. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  123 

these  exalted  legal  luminaries  are  pleased  with 
a  rattle  and  tickled  by  a  straw. 

On  my  return  I  did  omit  to  mention  Miss 
Wee-Wee  to  Jessimina  ;  but,  after  all,  cui 
bono  ? 


Mr  Jabber jee  makes  a  pilgrim- 
age to  the  Shrine  of  Shake-  XVI 
speare. 

I  HAVE  frequently  spoken  in  the  flattering  terms 
of  a  eulogium  concerning  my  extreme  partiality 
for  the  writings  of  Hon'ble  William  Shak- 
SPEARE.  It  has  been  remarked,  with  some 
correctness,  that  he  did  not  exist  for  an  age, 
but  all  the  time ;  and  though  it  is  the  open 
question  whether  he  did  not  derive  all  his 
ideas  from  previous  writers,  and  even  whether 
he  wrote  so  much  as  a  single  line  of  the  plays 
which  are  attributed  to  his  inspired  nib,  he  is 
one  of  the  institutions  of  the  country,  and  it 
is  the  correct  thing  for  every  orthodox  British 
subject  to  admire  and  understand  him  even 
when  most  incomprehensible. 

Consequently  I  did  cock-a-hoop  for  joy  on 
receiving  an  invitation  from  my  friend  Allbutt- 
Innet,  Jun.,  Esq.,  on  behalf  of  his  parents, 
that  I  should  accompany  them  on  an  excursion 
by  rail  to  Stratford-upon-Avon,  where  the  said 
poet  had  his  domicile  of  origin. 

And  so  great  was  my  enthusiasm  that,  during 
the  journey,  I  declaimed,  ore  rotundo,  certain 
select    passages    from    his   works   which    I    had 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  125 

committed  to  memory  during  the  salad  days 
of  my  schoolboyishness,  and  with  such  effect 
that  Miss  Wee-Wee  Allbutt-Innett  (who  is 
excessively  emotional)  was  compelled,  at  times, 
to  veil  her  countenance  in  the  recesses  of  a 
pocket-handkerchief 

Having  at  length  arrived  at  that  hallowed 
and  sacred  spot,  the  very  name  of  which  sends 
a  sweet  and  responsive  thrill  through  every 
educated  bosom,  our  first  proceeding  was  to 
partake  of  a  copious  cold  tiffin. 

This  repast  we  ordered  at  an  old-fashioned 
hostelry,  whose  doorw^ay  was  decorated  by  a 
counterfeit  presentment  of  the  Bard,  and  I 
observed  that  similar  effigies  were  placed  above 
several  of  the  shops  as  I  walked  along  the 
streets.  These  images  somewhat  resemble 
those  erected  to  Buddha  in  certain  parts  of 
India,  being  similarly  bald,  but  terminating — 
not  in  crossed  legs,  but  a  cushion  with  tassels. 
However,  I  was  not  able  to  discover  that  it 
is  the  custom  for  even  the  most  ignorant 
inhabitants  to  do  anything  in  the  nature  of 
poojah  before  these  figures  any  longer,  though 
probably  usual  enough  before  CROMWELL,  with 
the  iron  sides,  ordered  all  such  baubles  to  be 
removed.  In  a  hole  of  the  upper  wall  of  the 
Town  Hall  there  is  a  life-size  statuary  of 
Shakspeare,  with  legs  complete,  showing 
that  he  was  not  actually  deficient  in  such  ex- 
tremities   and    a    mere    gifted    Torso  :    and    it 


126      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

is  presumable  that  the  reason  why  only  his 
upper  portions  are  generally  represented  is, 
that  marble  in  these  parts  is  too  precious  a 
commodity  to  be  wasted  on  mere  superfluities. 

We  visited  the  church,  and  saw  his  tomb, 
and  there  again  was  the  superior  half  of  him 
occupied  with  writing  verses  on  a  cushion  in 
a  mural  niche,  supported  by  pillars.  Upon 
a  slab  below  is  inscribed  a  verse  requesting 
that  his  dust  should  not  be  digged,  and  cursing 
him  who  should  interfere  with  his  bones,  but 
in  so  mediocre  a  style,  and  of  such  indifferent 
orthography,  that  it  is  considered  by  some  to 
be  a  sort  of  spurious  cryptogram  composed 
by   Hon'ble  Bacon. 

On  such  a  vexata  qucEstio  I  am  not  to  give 
a  decided  opinion,  though  the  verse,  as  a  literary 
composition,  is  hardly  up  to  the  level  of  Hamlet^ 
and  it  would  perhaps  have  been  preferable  if 
the  poet,  instead  of  attempting  an  impromptu, 
had  looked  out  some  suitable  quotation  from 
his  earlier  works.  For,  when  an  author  is 
occupied  in  shuffling  off  his  mortal  coil,  it  is 
unreasonable  to  expect  him  to  produce  poetry 
that  is  up  to  the  mark. 

When  I  advanced  this  excuse  aloud  in  the 
church,  a  party  of  Americans  within  hearing 
exclaimed,  indignantly,  that  such  irreverent 
levity  was  a  scandal  in  a  spot  which  was  the 
Mecca  of  the  entire  civilised  universe. 

Whereupon    I    did    protest    earnestly   that    I 


'it  was   here,      I   SAID,    REVERENTLY,    "THAT  THE 
SWAN  OF  AVON    WAS  HATCHED  1  " 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  129 

meant  no  irreverence,  being  nulli  secundus  in 
respect  for  the  Genius  Loci,  only,  as  a  critic 
of  English  Literature,  I  could  not  help  re- 
gretting that  a  poet  gifted  with  every  requisite 
for  producing  a  satisfactory  epitaph  had  pro- 
duced a  doggerel  which  was  undeniably  below 
his  usual  par. 

This  rendered  them  of  an  increased  ferocity, 
until  Mr  Allbutt-Innett  good  naturedly  took 
them  into  a  comer  and  whispered  that  I  was 
a  very  wealthy  young  Indian  Prince,  of  great 
scholastic  attainments,  but  oppressed  by  an  un- 
controllable naivete,  after  which  they  all  came 
and  shook  me  by  the  hand,  saying  they  were 
very  proud  to  have  met  me. 

Afterwards  we  proceeded  to  the  Birthplace, 
where  a  very  gentlewomanly  female  exhibited 
the  apartment  in  which  the  Infant  Bard  first 
saw  the  light.  Alack !  there  was  but  little 
light  to  behold,  being  a  shockingly  low  and 
dingy  room,  meagrely  furnished  with  two  chairs 
and  a  table,  on  which  was  another  of  the  busts. 
As  I  came  in,  I  uttered  a  remark  which  I  had 
prepared  for  the  occasion.  "It  was  here,"  I 
said,  reverently,  "  here  that  the  Swan  of  Avon 
was  hatched  !  "  At  which  Miss  Wee-Wee  was 
again  overcome  by  emotion. 

The  room  was  greatly  in  the  necessity  of 
whitewash,  being  black  with  smoke  and  signa- 
tures in  lead  pencil.  Even  the  window-panes 
were  scratched  all  over  by  diamonds,  on  seeing 


I30      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

which,  and  being  also  the  possessor  of  a  diamond 
and  gold  ring,  I  was  about  to  inscribe  my  own 
name,  but  was  prevented  by  the  lady  custodian. 

I  indignantly  and  eloquently  protested  that 
if  Hon'ble  Sirs,  WALTER  ScOTT,  Lord  Byron, 
Isaac  Walton,  Washington  Irving  and  Co. 
were  permitted  to  deface  the  glass  thus,  surely 
I,  who  was  a  graduate  of  Calcutta  University, 
and  a  valuable  contributor  to  London  Punch, 
was  equally  entitled,  since  what  was  sauce  for 
a  goose  was  sauce  for  a  gander,  and  Mrs  All- 
BUTT-Innett  urged  that  I  was  a  distinguished 
Shakspearian  student  and  Indian  prince,  but  the 
custodian  responded  that  she  couldn't  help  that, 
for  it  was  ultra  vires,  nevertheless. 

However,  while  she  was  engaged  in  pointing 
out  the  spot  where  somebody's  signature  had 
been  before  it  was  peeled  away,  I,  snatching  the 
opportunity  behind  her  back,  did  triumphantly 
inscribe  my  autograph  on  the  bust's  nose. 

In  the  back-room  they  showed  us  where 
Shakspeare's  father  stapled  his  wool,  which 
caused  Mrs  Allbutt-Innett  to  remark  that 
she  had  always  understood  that  the  poet  was 
of  quite  humble  origin,  and  that,  for  her  part, 
she  thought  it  was  all  the  more  creditable  to 
him  to  have  done  what  he  did  do. 

We  also  inspected  the  Museum,  and  were 
shown  Shakspeare's  jug,  a  rather  ordinary 
concern  ;  the  identical  dial  which  one  of  the 
clowns  in  his   plays  drew  out  of  a  poke,  and  a 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  131 

ring  with  W.  S.  engraved  on  it,  found  in  the 
churchyard  some  years  ago,  and,  no  doubt, 
dropped  there  by  the  poet  himself,  while  ab- 
sorbed in  the  composition  of  his  famous  and 
world-renowned  elegy. 

There  were  several  portraits  of  him  also,  all 
utterly  unlike  one  another,  or  only  agreeing  in 
one  respect,  namely,  their  total  dissimilarity  from 
the  bust. 

We  likewise  saw  the  very  desk  Shakspeare 
used,  after  creeping  unwillingly  to  school  with  a 
shining  face  like  a  snail's.  I  was  pained  to  see 
evidence  of  the  mischievousness  of  the  juvenile 
genius,  for  it  was  slashed  and  hacked  to  such  a 
doleful  degree  as  to  be  totally  incapacitated  for 
scholastic  use ! 

I  myself  was  sprightly  in  my  youth,  but 
never,  I  am  proud  to  say,  to  the  extent  of 
wilfully  damaging  my  master's  furniture !  Be- 
fore leaving,  we  walked  to  visit  the  residence  of 
Shakspeare's  wife,  which  turned  out  to  be 
a  very  humble  thatched-roof  affair,  such  as  is 
commonly  occupied  by  peasants. 

But,  as  Mrs  Allbutt-Innett  said,  it  is  a 
sad  fact  that  distinguished  literary  characters 
often  make  most  imprudent  marriages.  Which 
put  me  in  a  wonderment  whether  she  had  heard 
anything  about  myself  and  Miss  Mankletow. 

At  one  of  the  bazaars  I  purchased  a  beauti- 
ful Shakspearian  souvenir,  in  the  form  of  a 
coloured     porcelain     model     of    Siiakspeare's 


132      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

birthplace,  which  can  be  rendered  transparent 
and  luminous  by  the  insertion  of  a  night-light. 

This  I  had  intended  humbly  to  offer  for  the 
gracious  acceptance  of  Miss  Wee-Wee,  but 
having  thrust  it  into  a  coat-tail  pocket,  I  un- 
fortunately sat  upon  it  in  the  train  as  we  were 
returning. 

So  I  presented  it  as  a  token  of  remembrance 
to  Jessimina,  who  was  transported  with  delight 
at  the  gift,  which  she  said  could  be  easily 
rendered  the  statu  quo  by  dint  of  a  little 
diamond  cement. 


Containing  some  intimate  con- 
fidences from   Mr  Jabber jee,  YA/TT 
with  the  explanation  of  such                  ^V  V  1 1 
apparent  indiscretion. 

Since  writing  my  latest  contribution  I  have 
folded  up  my  tent  like  an  Arab,  and  silently 
stolen  away  from  Porticobello  House,  this  inde- 
pendent hook  being  taken  under  the  ostensible 
and  colourable  pretext  of  a  medical  opinion  that 
the  climate  of  Bayswater  was  operating  injuri-. 
ously  upon  my  internal  arrangements,  but  the  real 
causa  causans  and  dessous  des  cartes  being  a 
growing  disinclination  for  the  society  of  select 
male  and  female  boarders. 

Miss  Jessimina  was  naturally  bathed  in  tears 
at  the  announcement  of  my  approaching  de- 
parture, although  I  fondly  sought  to  console  her 
by  assurances  that  my  residence  in  Highbury, 
Islington,  though  beyond  the  radius  and  of  inac- 
cessible remoteness  from  Ladbroke  Grove,  should 
not  obliterate  her  brilliant  image  from  the  cracked 
looking-glass  of  my  heart,  and  that  I  would  write 
to  her  with  weekly  regularity,  and  revisit  the 
glimpses  of  her  moony  presence  at  the  first  con- 
venient opportunity. 

I  do  correspond  with  effusiveness  and  punctu- 

»33 


134      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

ality  through  the  obh'ging  medium  of  a  young 
intimate  Indian  acquaintance  of  mine,  who  does 
actually  reside  at  Highbury,  and  has  kindly 
undertaken  to  forward  my  billets  doux. 

This  stratagem  is  necessitated  by  the  circum- 
stance that  (as  a  matter  of  fact)  I  am  dwelling 
under  a  rose  at  Hereford  Road,  Westbourne 
Grove,  which  is  in  convenient  proximity  to 
Prince's  Square  and  the  stately  home  of  the 
Allbutt-Innett  family,  with  whom  I  am 
now  promoted  to  become  the  tame  cat. 

In  Hereford  Road  I  occupy  garishly  genteel 
first-floor  front  and  back  apartments  at  rupees 
fifteen  per  week  and  the  Lady  of  the  Land  has 
entreated  me  to  kindly  excuse  the  waiting-maid 
for  jumping  with  diffidence  whenever  I  pop  upon 
herunpremeditatedly  on  the  stairs,  being  a  nervous 
girl  and  unaccustomed  to  dark-complexioned 
gentlemen — though  her  own  countenance,  from 
superabundance  of  blacking  and  smuts,  being  of 
a  far  superior  nigritude,  it  is  I  myself  who  should 
be  more  justified  in  jumping. 

However,  she  is  already  becoming  the  habituee, 
and  seldom  drops  the  crockery-ware  now — ex- 
cept when  I  simper  with  too  beaming  a  con- 
descension. 

Certain  of  my  readers  will  perhaps  hold  up 
the  hands  of  amazement  at  my  imprudence  in 
disclosing  my  whereabouts,  and  other  private 
concerns,  in  the  publicity  of  a  popular  periodical 
— but  there  is  method  in  such  madness ;  they 


'unaccustomed  to  dark-complexioned  gentlemen." 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  137 

do  not  take  in  Punch  at  Porticobello  House, 
considering  that  one  penny  (or  even  the  moiety 
of  that  sum)  is  more  correct  value  for  funny 
and  comical  illustrated  journalism,  while  the 
Allbutt-Innetts,  although  they  see  Punch 
weekly  do  not  peruse  the  literary  contents, 
especially  in  the  season,  when,  as  Mrs  A.-I. 
frequently  remarks,  they  are  in  such  a  constant 
whirl  of  social  dissipation  that  they  have  abso- 
lutely no  time  for  serious  reading. 

At  first  I  was  severely  mortified  that — so 
far  as  my  acquaintances  were  concerned — these 
tittlings  and  jottings  should  be  thus  written 
with  water,  but  I  have  since  made  the  discovery 
that  my  cloud  of  disappointment  is  internally 
lined  with  precious  silver. 


Mr  Jabberjee  is  a  little  over-  ^\7  T  T  T 

ingenious  in  his  excuses. 


Since  shaking  the  dust  off  my  feet  at  Portico- 
bello  House,  I  have  not  succeeded  to  pluck  the 
courage  for  a  personal  interview  with  Miss  JESSI- 
MINA,  and  my  correspondence,  duly  forwarded 
per  Mr  Bhoobone  Lall  Jalpanybhoy,  of 
Highbury,  has  consisted  mainly  of  abject  excuses 
for  non-attendance  on  plea  of  over-study  for  Bar 
Exam,  and  total  incapacity  to  journey  due  to 
excessive  disorderliness  in  stomach  department. 

This,  unhappily,  at  length  inspired  her  with 
the  harrowing  dread  that  I  was  on  the  point  of 
being  launched  into  the  throes  of  eternity,  if  not 
already  as  dead  as  Death's  door-nail,  and  so, 
with  feminine  want  of  reflection,  she  performed 
a  hurried  pilgrimage  to  Highbury. 

Now,  whether  on  account  of  the  beetleheaded- 
ness  of  a  domestic,  or  Baboo  Jalpanybhoy's 
incompetency  in  the  art  of  equivocation,  I  am 
not  to  say — but  the  sequel  of  her  inquiries  was 
the  unshakable  conviction  that  I  had  not  struck 
root  in  the  habitation  from  which  my  letters 
were  ostensibly  addressed. 

And  in  a  subsequently  forwarded  letter  she 
did  reproach  me  pathetically  with  my  duplicity, 

»38 


JABBER JEE,  B.A.  139 

and  accused  me  of  being  a  fickle — by  which  I 
was  so  unspeakably  cut  up  that  I  abstained 
from  the  condescension  of  a  rejoinder. 

Next  I  became  the  involuntary  recipient  of 
another  letter  in  more  intemperate  style,  menac- 
ing me  that  with  a  hook  or  a  crook,  she  would 
dislodge  me  from  the  loophole  in  which  I  was 
snugly  established,  and  that  several  able-bodied 
boarders  were  the  hue  of  a  full  cry  in  pursuit. 

Since  Hereford  Road  is  in  dangerous  prox- 
imity to  Ladbroke  Grove,  I  was  sitting  tight  in 
my  apartments  on  receipt  of  this  grave  intelli- 
gence, with  funk  in  my  heart,  and  the  Unknown 
hovering  above  me,  when  my  young  friend 
Howard  Allbutt-Innett,  Esq.,  arrived  with 
his  bicycle,  like  a  god  on  a  machine,  and  per- 
ceiving the  viridity  of  my  countenance,  inquired 
sympathetically  what  was  up. 

At  first,  being  mindful  of  the  excessive  liveli- 
ness with  which  he  had  bantered  my  residence 
in  a  boarding-house  of  such  mediocre  pretensions, 
I  was  naturally  disinclined  to  reveal  that  I  was 
in  the  plight  of  troth  with  the  proprietress's 
daughter ;  but  eventually  I  overcame  my  coy- 
ness, and  uncovered  the  pretty  kettle  of  fish  of 
my  infandum  dolorem^  and  my  ardent  longing  to 
hit  upon  some  plan  to  extricate  myself  from  the 
suffocating  coils  of  such  a  Laocoon. 

"  My  dear  old  chap,"  he  said  kindly,  after  I 
had  unfolded  the  last  link  of  my  tale  of  woe,  "  I 
will  put  you  up  in  a  dodge  that  will  perform  the 


140      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

trick.  Don't  see  the  young  woman,  or  she  will 
get  round  you  with  half  a  jiffy.  Write  to  her 
that  you  are  not  worthy  of  a  rap,  and  no  more 
a  Prince  than  I  am  !  " 

Hearing  his  last  words,  I  started,  and  did,  like 
the  ghost  of  Hamlet,  Senior,  "  jump  at  this  dead 
hour,"  being  convinced  that  young  Howard  had 
found  out  (perhaps  from  Hon'ble  CUMMERBUND) 
that  my  title  was  a  bogus,  and  anticipating  that, 
if  he  divulged  the  skeleton  of  my  bare  cupboard 
to  his  highly  genteel  parents,  I  should  infallibly 
experience  the  crushing  mortification  of  a  chuck 
out. 

However,  I  hid  the  fox  that  was  nibbling  my 
vitals  by  inquiring,  in  a  rather  natural  accent, 
what  he  meant  by  such  a  suggestion. 

"  Are  you  such  an  innocent,  simple  old 
Johnny,  Prince,"  he  said,  with  reassuring  bon- 
homie, "  as  not  to  catch  the  idea  ?  Do  you  not 
know  that  European  feminines  in  all  ranks  of 
society — alack,  even  in  our  own  ! — are  immoder- 
ately attracted  by  anyone  possessed  of  riches 
and  a  title — or  of  either  of  the  two  ?  As  an  au 
fait  in  the  female  temperament,  I  shall  wager 
that  it  is  nine  out  of  ten  that  if  you  spoof  this 
mercenary  young  minx  into  believing  that  you 
are  merely  a  native  impecunious  nonentity,  and 
not  to  be  shot  at  with  powder,  she  will  instan- 
taneously drop  pursuing  such  a  hot  potato." 

To  this  speech  (reported  verbatim  to  best  of 
my   ability)  I    did  shake   my  head  sorrowfully, 


'ASCENDED  HIS   KICYCLE   WITH   A   WAGGISH   WINKLE  IN   HIS  EYE. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  143 

and  reply  that  I  greatly  feared  that  Jessimina'S 
devotion  to  this  unlucky  self  was  too  severe  to 
be  diverted,  or  even  checked,  like  a  cow  that  is 
infuriated  or  non  compos  mentis,  by  the  mere 
relinquishment  of  such  tinsel  and  gewgaw  wraps 
as  a  title  or  worldly  belongings,  having  fre- 
quently (and  that,  too,  prior  to  our  engagement) 
protested  her  preference  for  very  dark  -  com- 
plexioned  individuals,  and  her  vehement  curiosity 
to  behold  India. 

But  he,  as  he  ascended  his  bicycle  with  a 
waggish  winkle  in  his  eye,  repeated  that  I  might 
try  it  on  at  all  events. 

Still,  I  could  not  induce  myself  to  adopt  his 
spoofish  strategy,  for  I  reflected  that,  though  it 
might  convince  her  that  I  was  unmarriageable, 
it  would  only  increase  her  fury  and  the  vengeance 
of  her  champion  boarders.  So  at  length  I  com- 
posed a  moving  epistle,  as  follows  : — 

Incomparable — though  lack-a-daisy  ! 

INACCESSIBLE JeSSIMINA  ! 

Poet  Shakspeare  has  shrewdly  observed 
that  "a  true  lover  never  did  run  a  straight 
course,"  and  the  sincerity  of  present  writer's 
affection  is  incontestably  proved  by  his  apparent 
crookedness  of  running,  and  keeping  dark  outside 
the  illuminating  rays  of  thy  moon-like  counten- 
ance. The  cause  is  the  unforeseen  cataclysm  of 
a  decree  from  my  family  astrologer  or  dowybog- 
hee,  whom  I  have  anxiously  consulted  upon  our 
joint    matrimonial    prospects.      [Mem.    TO    THE 


144     BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

Readers.  —  This  was  what  young  HOWARD 
would  term  *  the  bit  of  spoof."  /  am  no  ninny- 
hammer  to  consult  an  exploded  astrologer .']  Miser- 
abile  dictul  the  venerable  and  senile  pundit  re- 
ports that  such  an  alliance  would  infallibly  plunge 
us  into  the  peck  of  troubles,  since  the  sign  of 
your  natal  month  is  the  meek  and  innocent 
Lamb — while  mine  is  the  more  ferocious  Lion ! 

A  very  slight  familiarity  with  Natural  History, 
&c.,  will  show  you  the  utter  incoqjpatibility  of 
temper  between  such  an  uncongenial  couple 
of  animals,  and  the  correctness  of  said  astro- 
loger's prediction  that  it  must  infallibly  be  the 
Lamb  who  would  be  whiphanded  in  the  unequal 
conflict. 

In  consequence,  though  I  am  beating  the 
floor  with  my  head  as  I  write,  and  moistening 
the  carpet  with  the  copiousness  of  my  lachry- 
mations,  I  must  bid  you  the  final  and  irrevoc- 
able adieu  and  au  revoir,  since  I  am  unwilling 
to  act  as  a  selfish.  Think  of  me  as  "  a  prince  out 
of  thy  star,"  to  quote  the  reference  of  Shak- 
SPEARE's  character,  Polonius,  to  Hamlet,  under 
precisely  similar  circumstances.  You  will  please 
forget  me  instanter,  and  accept  this  as  my  last 
solemn  so-long,  which  I  utter  on  the  threshold 
of  preparation  for  the  stem  and  dreaded  ordeal 
of  Bar  Exam.      In  frantic  haste. 

Your  ever  faithful  and  broken-hearted  Baboo, 

Hurry. 

P.S. — No  answer  required. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  145 

But  after  an  interval  of  a  very  few  posts,  in 
spite  of  my  strict  injunctions  to  contrary,  I  got 
the  answer  that  she  was  deeply  moved  by  my 
self-sacrifice,  and  had  never  loved  me  more. 
Having  been  brought  up  in  a  Christian  disbelief 
of  all  astronomy,  she  was  not  in  fear  of  my 
"  doweybogey "  or  any  other  native  bogies,  and 
nothing  should  part  us,  if  she  could  help  it. 
She  added,  that  I  had  been  seen  about  West- 
bourne  Grov^  recently. 

On  receipt  of  this  touching  and  beautiful  com- 
munication I  was  again  in  the  stampede  of  panic, 
and  realised  that  I  must  have  immediate  resort 
to  some  stronger  description  of  "  Spoof." 

It  is  calamitous  that  I  cannot  find  a  card  up 
my  sleeve  with  the  single  exception  of  my 
young  friend  Howard's  dodge,  which  I  fear 
will  prove  too  filamentous. 

However,  a  faint  heart  never  got  rid  of  a  fair 
lady! 


Mr  Jabber jee    tries   a  fresh 
tack.    His  visit  to  the  India  ^TX^ 

Office  and  sympathetic  recep- 
tion. 


In  my  last  I  had  the  honour  to  report  the  total 
non-success  of  my  endeavour  to  nill  my  be- 
trothal on  plea  of  astrological  objections,  and 
how  I  was  consequentially  up  the  tree  of  em- 
barrassment. 

I  have  since  resolved  that  honesty  is  my 
best  politics,  and  have  confessed  to  Miss 
Mankletow  in  a  well-expressed  curt  letter 
that  I  am  only  the  possessor  of  a  courtesy 
title,  and,  so  far  from  rolling  on  the  rosy 
bed  of  unlimited  rhino,  am  out  of  elbows,  and 
dependent  upon  parental  remittances  for  pin- 
money. 

For  corroboration  of  said  statements  I  begged 
to  refer  her  politely  to  my  benevolent  friend 
and  patron,  Hon'ble  Sir  CUMMERBUND,  Nevern 
Square,  South  Kensington  ;  to  whom  I  simul- 
taneously wrote  a  private  and  confidential  note, 
instructing  him  that  if  any  young  female  person 
\^as  to  inquire  particulars  of  my  birth,  origin, 
&c.,  he  was  to  tell  the  truth,  the  whole  truth, 
and  nothing  but  the  truth,  especially  making  it 
146 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  147 

clear  that  I  was  neither  a  tip-top  Rajah,  nor  a 
Leviathan  of  filthy  lucre. 

The  rest  (up  to  present  date)  is  silence  ;  but 
I  have  confident  hopes  that  the  manly,  straight- 
forward stratagem  suggested  by  my  friend, 
young  Howard,  will  accomplish  the  job,  and 
procure  me  the  happy  release. 

I  am  now  to  pass  to  a  different  subject — to 
wit,  a  visit  I  paid  some  time  since  to  the  India 
Office.  The  why  of  the  wherefore  was  that, 
in  conversation  with  the  Allbutt-Innetts,  I 
had  boasted  freely  of  the  credit  I  was  in  with 
certain  high  grade  India  Official  nobs,  who  could 
refuse  me  nothing. 

Which  was  hitherto  the  positive  fact,  since 
I  had  never  requested  any  favour  at  their  hands. 

But  Mrs  Allbutt-Innett  stated  that  she 
had  heard  that  the  reception-soirees  at  said 
India  Office  were  extremely  enjoyable  and 
classy,  and  inquired  whether  I  possessed  sufficient 
influence  to  obtain  for  her  tickets  of  admission 
to  one  of  these  select  entertainments. 

Naturally  I  had  to  reply  that  I  could  indubit- 
ably do  the  trick,  and  would  at  once  proceed 
to  the  India  Office  and  interview  one  of  the 
senior  clerks  who   regarded  me  as  his  brother. 

So,  after  procuring  a  Whitaker  Almanack, 
and  hunting  up  the  name  of  one  of  the  most 
senior,  I  cabbed  to  Whitehall.  Inside  the 
entrance  I  found  an  attendant  sitting  at  a  table 
absorbed  in  reading,  who  rose  and  inquired  my 


148      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

business,  and  upon  my  statement  that  I  desired 
to  see  Mr  Breakwater,  Esq.,  on  urgent  busi- 
ness, courteously  directed  me  up  a  marble  stair- 
case, at  the  top  of  which  was  a  second  attendant, 
also  engaged  in  brown  study — for  the  attendants 
appear  to  be  laudably  addicted  to  the  cultivation 
of  their  minds. 

He  informed  me  that  I  should  find  Mr 
Breakwater's  room  down  a  certain  corridor, 
and  proceeding  thither,  I  stopped  a  clerk  who 
was  hurrying  along  with  his  hands  full  of  docu- 
ments, and  represented  that  I  had  come  for  an 
immediate  interview  with  Mr  BREAKWATER  on 
highly  important  matters. 

He  demanded  incredulously  whether  Mr 
Breakwater  expected  me. 

This  elevated  my  monkey,  and  I  retorted, 
haughtily,  that  I  was  the  bosom  friend  of  said 
Mr  B.,  who  would  be  overjoyed  to  receive  me, 
and,  following  him  into  a  room,  I  peremptorily 
demanded  that  he  should  inform  his  master 
without  fail  that  Baboo  Jabberjee  was  there. 

Whereupon,  with  the  nonchalance  of  a  Jack 
in  an  office,  he  rang  a  bell  and  desired  an 
attendant  to  usher  me  to  the  waiting-room. 

There,  in  a  large  gloomy  apartment,  sur- 
rounded by  portraits  of  English  and  Native  big 
pots,  I  did  sit  patiently  sucking  the  golden  nob 
of  my  umbrella  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  until 
the  attendant  returned,  saying,  that  Mr  BREAK- 
WATER could  see  me  now,  and  presently  showed 


.     JABBERJEE,  B.A.  149 

me  into  the  aforesaid  private  room,  where, 
behind  a  large  table  covered  with  wicker  baskets 
containing  dockets  and  memoranda,  et  hoc  genus 
omne,  sat  the  very  gentleman  whom  I  had 
recently  taken  for  his  own  underling  ! 

Formerly  I  should  have  proffered  abject 
excuses,  but  I  am  now  sufficiently  up  in  British 
observances  to  know  that  the  only  necessary  is 
a  frank  and  breezy  apology. 

So,  disguising  my  bashful  confusion,  I  said, 
"  I  am  awfully  sorry  that  I  took  you,  my  dear 
old  chap,  for  a  common  ordinary  fellow  ;  but 
remember  the  proverb,  that  '  appearances  are 
deceitful,'  and  do  not  reveal  a  thin  skin  about  a 
rather  natural  mistake." 

Mr  Breakwater  courteously  entreated  me 
not  to  mention  the  affair,  but  to  state  my 
business  briefly.  Accordingly  I  related  how  I 
was  a  native  Bengalee  student,  at  present 
moving  Heaven  and  Earth  to  pass  Bar  Exam, 
and  my  intimate  connection  with  the  distin- 
guished Bayswater  family  of  the  Allbutt- 
Innetts,  who  were  consumed  with  longing  for 
free  tickets  to  an  official  soiree.  I  then  de- 
scribed the  transcendent  charms  of  Miss  Wee- 
Wee,  and  my  own  ardent  desire  to  obtain  her 
grateful  recognition  by  procuring  the  open 
sesame  for  self  and  friends.  Furthermore,  I 
pointed  out  that,  as  an  official  in  the  India 
Office,  he  was  in  loco  parentis  to  myself,  and 
bound    to    indulge  all  my  reasonable   requests, 


I50     BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

and  I  assured  him  that  if  he  exhibited  gener- 
osity on  this  occasion,  the  entire  Allbutt- 
Innett  family,  self  included,  would  ever  pray 
on  the  crooked  hinges  of  knees  for  his  temporal 
and  spiritual  welfare. 

He  heard  me  benignantly,  but  said  he 
regretted  that  it  was  not  in  his  power  to  oblige 
me. 

"  You  are  not  to  suppose,"  I  said,  "  that  I  am 
a  native  Tom-dick  or  Harry.  I  am  a  B.A. 
of  Calcutta  University,  and  candidate  for  call  to 
Bar.  In  additum^  I  am  the  literary  celebrity, 
being  especially  retained  to  jot  and  tittle  for  the 
periodical  of  Punch" 

Mr  Breakwater  assured  me  earnestly  that 
he  fully  appreciated  my  many  distinguished 
claims,  but  that  he  was  under  an  impossibility  of 
granting  my  petition  for  an  invite  to  the  annual 
summer  soiree,  owing  to  the  fact  that  aforesaid 
festivity  was  already  \!t\e.  fait  accompli. 

"  How  is  that  ?  "  I  exclaimed.  "  Have  I  not 
read  in  the  daily  press  of  a  grand  durbar  to  be 
given  shortly  in  honour  of  Hon'ble  HUNG 
Chang  ? " 

"  But  that  is  at  the  Foreign  Office,"  he 
objected  ;  "  we  have  no  connection  with  such  a 
concern." 

"  The  Foreign  Office  would  be  better  than 
nullity,"  I  said.  "  I  will  tell  you  what  to  do. 
Write  me  a  letter  to  show  to  the  head  of  the 
Foreign   Office.     You  can  state  that  you  have 


PITCH    IT   STRONG,    MY   RESPECTABLE  SIR. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  153 

known  me  intimately  for  a  long  time,  and  that 
I  am  deserving  of  patronage.  Hint,  for 
instance,  that  it  is  impolitic  to  show  favouritism 
to  one  Oriental  (such  as  a  Chinese)  rather  than 
another,  and  that  you  will  regard  any  kindness 
done  to  me  as  the  personal  favour  to  yourself. 
Pitch  it  strong,  my  respectable  Sir  ! " 

He,  however,  protested  that  any  recommenda- 
tion from  him  would  be  a  brutum  fulmen. 

"  You  are  too  modest,  honoured  Sir !  "  I  told 
him,  seeing  that  flattery  was  requisite  ;  "  but  I  am 
not  the  ignoramus  of  how  highly  your  character 
and  virtues  are  esteemed,  and  I  can  assure  you 
that  you  are  not  so  contemptible  a  nonentity  as 
you  imagine.  Listen  to  me  ;  I  am  now  to  go 
to  the  Foreign  Office,  and  shall  there  assume  the 
liberty  of  mentioning  your  distinguished  name 
as  a  referee." 

With  benevolent  blandness  he  accorded  me 
full  permission  to  go  where  I  liked,  and  say 
anything  I  chose,  recommending  me  warmly  to 
depart  immediately. 

Seeing  him  so  well-disposed,  I  ventured,  on 
taking  my  leave,  to  pat  his  shoulder  in  friendly 
facetiousness,  and  to  say,  "  It  is  all  right,  old 
boy.  Remember,  I  have  complete  bond  fides  in 
your  ability  to  work  the  oracle  for  me  success- 
fully." Which  rendered  him  sotto  voce  with 
gratification. 

But  alack  !  at  the  Foreign  Office,  after  stating 
my    business    and    sitting    like    Patience    on    a 


154      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

Monument  for  two  immortal  hours,  I  was  offici- 
ally informed  that  the  Principal  Secretary  of 
State  for  Foreign  Affairs  was  not  in,  and  that 
all  the  Private  and  Under  Secretaries  were 
equally  invisible. 

This,  I  must  respectfully  submit,  is  not 
exactly  the  correct  style  to  conduct  a  first-class 
Empire ! 


Mr  Jabberjee  distinguishes 
himself  in  the  Bar  Examina- 
tion^ but  is  less  successful  in 
other    respects.      He    writes  XX 

another  extremely  ingenious 
epistle,  from  which  he  antici- 
pates the  happiest  results. 

I  AM  happy  to  announce  that  I  have  passed  the 
pons  asinorunt  of  Bar  Exam  with  faciHty  of  a 
needle  penetrating  the  camel's  eye.  Tant 
mieux  I     Huzza  !      Tol-de-rol-loll ! !  1 

My  dilatoriness  in  publishing  this  joyful  in- 
telligence is  due  to  fact  that  I  have  only  recently 
received  official  information  of  my  triumph, 
which  my  family  are  now  engaged  in  celebrating 
at  Calcutta  with  pagans  of  transport,  illumina- 
tions, fireworks,  an  English  brass  band,  and 
delicacies  supplied  (on  contract  system)  from 
Great  Eastern  Hotel. 

And  yet  so  great  was  my  humility  that,  when 
I  entered  Lincoln's  Inn  Hall  one  Monday  shortly 
before  i  o  A.M.,  and  received  pens,  some  foolscaps, 
and  a  printed  exam  paper  on  the  Law  of  Real 
and  Personal  Property  and  Conveyancing,  I  was 
at  first  as  melancholy  as  a  gib  cat,  and  like  to 
eat  my  head  with  despair  ! 

So  much    so  that    I    began  my  answers    by 

155 


156      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

pathetically  imploring  my  indulgent  father  ex- 
aminer to  show  me  his  bowels  of  compassion, 
on  ground  that  I  was  an  unfortunate  Bengalee 
chap,  afflicted  by  narrow  circumstances  and  a 
raging  tooth,  and  that  my  entire  earthly  felicity 
depended  upon  my  being  favoured  with  quali- 
fying marks. 

However,  on  perusal  of  the  paper,  I  found 
that,  owing  to  diligent  cram  and  native  apti- 
tude for  nice  sharp  quillets  of  the  law,  I 
could  floor  it  upon  my  caputs  being  at  home 
with  every  description  of  mortgage,  and  having 
such  things  as  reversions  and  contingent  re- 
mainders at  the  extremities  of  my  finger- 
ends. 

In  the  afternoon  I  was  again  examined  in 
Law  and  Equity,  answering  nearly  every  ques- 
tion with  great  copiousness  and  best  style  of 
composition,  quoting  freely  from  Hon'ble  Snell 
and  Underhill  to  back  my  opinion.  Un- 
happily, I  lost  some  of  my  precious  time  because, 
finding  that  I  was  required  by  the  paper  to 
"discuss"  a  certain  statement,  I  left  my  seat 
in  search  of  some  pundit  with  whom  I  might 
carry  on  such  a  logomachy.  And  even  now 
I  fail  to  see  how  one  individual  can  discuss  a 
question  in  pen  and  ink,  any  more  than  a 
single  hand  is  capable  of  making  a  clap.  Which 
I  gave  as  my  reason  for  not  attempting  the 
impossible. 

The  ordeal  endured    for  four   days.     In  the 


HUZZA  !      TOL-DE-ROL-LOLI,  ! ' 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  159 

Roman  Law  department,  I  was  on  the  spot  with 
Stillicidiuvi  and  similar  servitudes,  and  in 
Criminal  Law  I  did  vastly  distinguish  myself 
by  polishing  off  an  intricate  legal  problem 
about  Misters  A.,  B.  and  C,  and  certain 
bicycles,  though,  as  I  stated  in  a  postscriptum, 
not  being  the  practical  cyclist,  I  could  not 
be  at  all  responsible  for  the  accuracy  of  my 
solution,  and  hinted  that  it  was  somewhat 
infra  dig.  for  such  solemn  dry-as-dusts  as  the 
Council  of  Legal  Education  to  take  any 
notice  at  all  of  these  fashionable  but  flimsy 
mechanisms. 

When  called  up  for  vivA  voce  purposes,  I 
dumb-foundered  my  examiner  by  the  readiness 
and  volubility  of  my  responses,  to  such  an 
extent  that,  after  asking  one  question  only,  he 
intimated  his  complete  satisfaction,  and  I  divined 
by  his  smiles  that  he  was  secretly  determined  to 
work  the  oracle  in  my  favour. 

And  so  I  arrived  at  the  pretty  Pass  by 
dint  of  flourishing  my  trumpet.  But,  heigho  ! 
some  fly  or  other  is  the  indispensable  adjunct 
of  every  pot  of  ointment,  and  while  I  was 
still  jumping  for  joy  at  having  passed  the 
steep  barrier  of  such  a  Rubicon,  there  came 
a  letter  from  Miss  JESSIMINA  which  con- 
strained me  to  cachinnate  upon  the  wrong  side 
of  nose ! 

It  appeared  that,  pursuant  of  my  request,  she 
had  been  to  call  upon   Hon'ble  Sir  Chetwynd, 


i6o      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

who  had  duly  informed  her  that  I  was  not  the 
genuine  Rajah  or  any  kind  of  real  Prince,  nor 
yet  a  Crcesus  with  unlimited  cash. 

Here,  if  Hon'ble  CUMMERBUND  had  stopped, 
or  represented  me  as  a  worthless  riddance  of 
bad  rubbish,  all  would  have  been  well  ; 
but  most  unhappily  he  did  exceed  his  in- 
structions, and  added  that  I  was  of  respect- 
able, well-to-do  parentage,  and  very  indus- 
trious young  chap  with  first-class  abilities,  and 
likely  to  obtain  lucrative  practice  at  native 
Bar. 

Jessimina  wrote  that  she  hoped  she  was  not 
so  mercenary  as  to  be  attracted  by  mere  rank, 
and  that  it  was  enough  for  her  that  I  was  in  the 
position  to  maintain  her  as  a  lady,  so  she  would 
continue  to  hold  me  to  my  promise  of  marriage, 
and  if  I  still  declined  to  perform,  she  would  be 
reluctantly  compelled  to  place  the  matter  in 
hands  of  lawyer. 

On  seeing  that  my  second  attempt  to  spoof 
was  similarly  the  utter  failure,  I  became  like  pig 
in  poke  with  perplexity,  until  I  was  suddenly 
inspired  by  the  ebullient  flash  of  a  happy  idea, 
and  taking  up  my  penna,  inscribed  the  following 
epistle  : 

Magnanimous  and  Ever  Adorable 
Jessimina  ! 
I  am   immensely  tickled    with   flattered   com- 
placency at  your  indomitable  desire  to  become 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  i6i 

the  bride  of  such  a  man  of  straw  as  this  unde- 
serving self,  and  will  no  longer  offer  any  factious 
opposition  to  your  wishes. 

But  in  the  intoxicating  ardour  of  my  billing 
and  cooing  1  may  have  omitted  to  mention  that, 
when  I  have  led  you  to  the  Hymeneal  altar,  you 
will  not  be  alone  in  your  glory.  As  a  Koolin 
Brahmin,  I  am,  by  laws  of  my  country,  entitled 
to  about  thirty  or  forty  spouses,  though,  owing 
to  natural  timidity  and  economical  reasons,  I 
have  not  hitherto  availed  myself  of  said 
privilege. 

However,  when  that  I  was  a  little  tiny  boy,  I 
was  compelled  by  family  pressure  to  contract 
matrimony  with  an  equally  juvenile  female  of 
eight,  and,  though  circumstances  have  prevented 
the  second  ceremony  being  celebrated  on 
arriving  at  the  more  mature  age  of  discretion, 
such  infant  marriage  is  notwithstanding  the 
binding  affair. 

What  of  it?  Your  overwhelming  affection 
will  render  you  totally  indifferent  to  the  un- 
pleasant side  of  your  position  as  a  sateen  or 
rival  wife,  though  it  is  the  antipode  of  the  bed 
of  roses,  especially  under  internecine  feuds  and 
perpetual  snipsnaps  with  sundry  aunts  and 
sisters-in-law  of  mine  of  rather  nagging  idio- 
syncracies.  But  ignorance  of  language  will 
probably  blind  your  sensitive  ears  to  the  sneering 
and  ill-natured  tone  of  their  remarks. 

I  can  only  say  that   I  am  quite  ready  (if  you 


1 62      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

insist  upon  it)  to  fulfil  my  contract  to  best 
ability,  and  undertake  the  heavy  burden  which 
Providence  has,  very  injudiciously,  saddled  upon 
my  feeble  back.  Mr  Chuckerbutty  Ram,  of 
1 5  Jubilee  Terrace,  Clapham,  was  present  at  my 
first  wedding,  and  will  doubtless  certify  to  same 
on  application. 

Ever  yours  faithfully  and  devotedly, 

H.  B.  J. 

In  writing  the  above,  I  was  well  aware  that 
there  is  a  strong  prejudice  in  the  mind  of 
European  feminines  in  favour  of  monogamy,  and 
my  letter  (as  will  be  seen  by  the  intelligent 
reader)  was  rather  cleverly  composed  so  as  to 
shift  the  burden  of  breach  of  contract  from  my 
shoulders  to  hers. 

So  that  I  rubbed  my  hands  with  gleeful 
jubilation  on  receiving  her  reply  that  she  was 
astounded  with  wonderment  at  the  sublimity  of 
my  cheek  in  supposing  that  she  would  play  the 
subordinate  fiddle  to  any  native  wife,  and  that 
she  had  communicated  with  CHUCKERBUTTY 
Ram,  Esq.,  and  if  my  statement  re  infant 
marriage  (which  at  present  she  suspected  to 
be  a  mere  spoof)  proved  correct,  she  would 
certainly  decline  my  insulting  offer. 

Now  as  it  is  the  undeniable  fact  that  I  was 
wedded  when  a  mere  juvenile,  I  shall  save  my 
brush  from  this  near  shave — provided  that  Mr 
Chuckerbutty  Ram  has  received  my  tip  in 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  i6 


o 


time  and  does  not,  like  Hon'ble  CUMMERBUND, 
go  beyond  his  instructions. 

But  this  is  not  reasonably  probable.  Baboo 
Chuckerbutty  Ram  being  a  tolerably  discreet, 
subtle  chap. 


Mr  Jabberjee  halloas  before  he  W  T 

is  quite  out  of  tJie  Wood.  yv-A.! 

Being  (to  my  best  of  belief)  satisfactorily  off 
with  the  old  love,  I  naturally  became  as  playful 
as  a  kitten  or  gay  as  a  grig.  For  the  most 
superficial  observer,  and  with  the  half  of  a  naked 
optic,  could  easily  discern  the  immeasurable 
superiority  of  Miss  Wee-Wee  to  JESSIMINA  in 
all  the  refinements  and  delicacies  of  a  real 
English  lady,  and  although,  up  to  present  date, 
the  timidity  of  girlishness  has  restrained  Miss 
Allbutt-Innett  from  reciprocating  my  in- 
creasing spooniness,  her  parents  and  brother  are 
of  an  overwhelming  cordiality,  and  repeatedly 
mention  their  ardent  hope  that  I  may  become 
their  guest  up  in  the  hills  some  time  this 
autumn. 

So  that  Hope  is  already  recommencing  to  hop 
jauntily  about  the  secret  chamber  of  my  heart. 

For,  seeing  the  magnanimous  contempt  for 
the  snobbishness  of  chasing  a  tuft  that  actuates 
their  bosoms,  I  am  no  longer  apprehensive  that 
their  affection  for  this  present  writer  will  be  at 
all  impaired  by  the  revelation  that  he  is  merely 
a  member  of  nature's  nobility.  Rather  the 
contrary. 
164 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  165 

As  Poet  Burns  remarks  with  great  truthful- 
ness, "  Rank  is  but  a  penny  stamp  and  a  Man  is  a 
Man  and  all  that."  Nevertheless,  for  the  present, 
I  am  resolved  to  remain  mum  as  a  mouse. 

Since  I  am  now  in  their  pockets  for  a  per- 
petuity, I  was  privileged  on  a  recent  evening 
to  escort  the  Allbutt-Innett  ladies  to  the 
Empire  of  India  Exhibition,  upon  which  I  shall 
now  pronounce  the  opinion  of  an  expert,  though 
space  forbids  me  to  describe  its  multitudinous 
marvels,  save  with  the  brevity  of  a  soul  of  wit. 

In  the  Cinghalese  Palace  we  beheld  a  highly 
pious  Yogi  from  Ceylon,  who  had  trained  him- 
self to  perform  his  devotions  with  one  of  his  legs 
embracing  his  neck,  or  walking  upon  the  caps  of 
his  knees  with  his  toes  inserted  into  his  waist- 
band. But  I  am  not  convinced  that  such  a 
style  of  prayer-making  is  at  all  superior  in 
reverence  to  more  ordinary  attitudes,  especially 
when  exhibited  publicly  for  an  honorarium. 

I  feel  proud  to  narrate  that,  at  Miss  Wee- 
Wee'S  urgent  entreaties,  I  subdued  my  native 
funkiness  so  far  as  to  make  the  revolution  of 
the  Gigantic  Wheel,  in  spite  of  grave  apprehen- 
sions that  it  would  prove  but  a  house  of  cards, 
or  suddenly  become  totally  immobile — though 
to  pass  interminable  hours  at  a  lofty  attitude 
with  such  a  lively  companion  might,  on 
secondary  thoughts,  have  possessed  pleasing 
saccharine  compensations.  Nevertheless,  I  was 
relieved    when    we    descended    without    having 


1 66      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

hitched  anywhere,  and  I  did  most  firmly  decline 
to  fly  in  the  face  of  Providence  for  five  shillings 
in  the  basket  of  a  captive  balloon. 

The  Indian  street  is  constructed  with  clever- 
ness, but  gives  a  very,  very  inadequate  idea  of 
the  principal  Calcutta  thoroughfares  ;  moreover, 
to  cultivated  Indian  intellects,  the  fuss  made  by 
English  ladies  over  native  artisans  and  mechanics 
of  rather  so-so  abilities  and  appearance  seems  a 
little  ludicrous  ! 

After  dining,  we  witnessed  the  Historical 
Spectacle  of  India  in  the  Empress  Theatre,  and 
Miss  Wee-Wee  made  the  criticism  that  the  fall 
of  Somnath  was  accomplished  with  a  too  great 
facility,  since  its  so-called  defenders  did  lie  down 
with  perfect  tameness  and  counterfeit  death 
immediately  the  army  of  Sultan  Mahmud 
galloped   their  horses   through  the  gateway. 

But  this  appeared  to  me  rather  a  typical  and 
prudent  exercise  of  their  discretion. 

It  seems  —  though  (in  spite  of  extensive 
historical  researches)  I  was  in  previous  ignorance 
of  the  fact — that  Sultan  Mahmud,  the  Great 
Mogul  Akbar,  and  SiVAjl,  the  Mahratta 
Chief,  were  each  taken  in  tow  and  personally 
conducted  by  a  trio  of  Divine  Guides,  respect- 
ively named  Love,  Mercy  and  Wisdom,  who 
came  forward  whenever  nothing  of  consequence 
was  transpiring,  and  sang  with  the  melodious- 
ness of  Paradisiacal  fowls. 

As  for  the  representation  of  the  Hindu  Para- 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  167 

dise,  I  shall  confess  to  some  disappointment, 
seeing  that  it  was  exclusively  reserved  to  military 
masculines — the  more  highly  educated  civilian 
class  of  Baboos  being  left  out  of  the  cold  alto- 
gether !  Nor  am  I  in  love  with  a  future  state 
in  which  there  is  so  much  dancing  up  and  down 
lofty  flights  of  stairs  with  terpsichorean  energy, 
and  manoeuvring  in  companies  and  circles  with 
members  of  the  softer  sex.  As  a  philosophical 
conception  of  disembodied  existence,  it  is  un- 
deniably deficient  in  repose,  though  perhaps 
good  enough   for  ordinary   fighting  chaps ! 

I  spent  a  rapturous  and  ripping  evening,  how- 
ever, greatly  owing  to  the  condescension  of  Miss 
Wee-Wee,  who  exhibited  such  entertainment  at 
my  comments  that  I  left  under  the  confident 
persuasion  that  I  was  infallibly  to  be  the  favoured 
swain. 

On  returning  to  Hereford  Road,  I  found  a 
last  letter  from  JESSIMINA,  beseeching  me,  for 
the  sake  of  "  Old  Langsyne,"  to  meet  her  on  the 
following  ev^ening  at  Westbourne  Park  Station, 
and  mentioning  that  certain  events  had  occurred 
to  change  her  views,  and  she  was  now  only 
desirous  for  an  amicable  arrangement. 

Accordingly,  perceiving  that  I  had  no  longer 
any  reason  to  dread  such  an  encounter,  and  not 
wishing  her  to  peak  and  pine  through  my 
unkindness,  I  wrote  at  once  accepting  the 
rendezvous. 

When    I    duly  turned    up,  lo  and   behold  !   I 


1 68      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

found  she  was  escorted,  not  only  by  her  eagle- 
eyed  mother  (JESSIMINA  herself  inherits,  in 
Hamleis  immortal  phraseology,  "  an  eye  like 
Ma's,  to  threaten  or  command  "),  but  also  by  a 
juvenile  individual  with  a  black  neck-tie  and 
Hebrew  profile,  whom  she  formerly  introduced 
to  me  as  Mr  SOLOMONS. 

Though  a  little  hurt  by  this  proof  of  the 
rapidity  of  feminine  fickleness,  I  began  to  con- 
gratulate her  effusively  on  having  obtained  such 
an  excellent  substitute  for  my  worthless  self, 
and  to  wish  the  happy  couple  all  earthly  felicities, 
when  she  explained  that  he  was  not  2.fianc^^  but 
merely  a  sort  of  friend,  and  Mrs  Mankletow 
severely  added  that  they  had  come  to  know 
whether  I  still  declined  to  fulfil  my  legal 
contract. 

Naturall)'  I  made  the  answer  that  I  had 
recently  offered  to  fulfil  same  to  best  ability, 
but  that,  my  offer  having  been  declined  with 
contumeliousness,  the  affair  was  now  on  its  end. 

Here  JESSIMINA  said  that  she  had  of  course 
refused  to  marry  a  man  who  declared  that  he 
was  already  the  owner  of  a  dusky  spouse,  but 
that,  on  inquiries  from  Mr  Chuckerbutty 
Ram,  she  had  made  the  discovery  that  my  said 
infant  wife  had  popped  off  with  some  juvenile 
complaint  or  other  three  or  four  years  ago. 

At  this  I  was  rendered  completely  flabaghast 
— for,  although  the  allegation  was  undeniably 
correct,  I  had  confidently  hoped  that  my  friend 


"A   ROVAI,   COMMAND   FROM    THK   QUEEN-KMPRF.SS. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  171 

Ram  was  unaware  of  the  fact,  or  would  at  least 
have  the  ordinary  mother  -  wit  to  refrain  from 
blurting  it  out !  "  Et  tu,  Brute  !  "  But  I  must 
make  the  dismal  confession  that  my  friends  are 
mostly  a  very  fat-witted  sort  of  fellows. 

Que  /aire  ?  —  except  to  explain  that  my 
melancholy  bereavement  must  have  entirely 
slipped  off  my  memory,  and  that  in  any  case  it 
had  no  logical  connection  with  the  matter  in 
hand. 

Then  Mrs  Mankletow  inquired,  would  I,  or 
would  I  not,  marry  her  illused  child  ?  and  stated 
that  all  she  wished  for  was  a  plain  answer. 

I  replied  that  it  was  a  very  natural  and 
moderate  desire,  and  I  was  prepared  to  gratify 
it  at  once  by  the  plain  answer  of- — Not  on  any 
account. 

Whereupon  Mr  SOLOMONS  stepped  forward 
and  politely  handed  me  a  folded  paper,  and, 
observing  that  he  thought  there  was  no  need  to 
protract  the  interview,  he  lifted  his  hat  and  went 
off  with  the  ladies,  leaving  myself  upon  a  bench 
endeavouring  to  get  the  sense  of  the  official 
document  into  my  baffled  and  bewildered  nob. 

Eventually,  I  gathered  that  it  was  a  Royal 
command  from  the  Queen-Empress,  backed  by 
the  Lord  High  Chancellor  of  Great  Britain,  that 
I  was  to  enter  my  appearance  in  an  action  at 
the  suit  of  Jemima  Mankletow  for  a  claim 
of  damages  for  having  breached  my  promise  to 
marry  ! 


172      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 


No  matter !  Pugh !  Fiddle-de-dee !  Never 
mind  !      Who  cares  ? 

Having  successfully  passed  Exam,  and  been 
called  to  the  Bar,  I  am  now  an  amicus  curicB^ 
and   the   friend   in   Court. 

I  shall  enter  my  appearance  in  the  forensic 
costume  of  wig  and  gown. 

What  will  be  the  price  of  the  plaintiff's 
pleadings  then^  Madams  ? 


Mr  Jabberjee  places  himself  in 

the  hands  of  a  solicitor — with  A.  A.1  i 

certain  reservations. 


I  CONCLUDED  my  foregoing  instalment,  narrat- 
ing my  service  of  a  writ  for  breaching  a  promise 
of  marriage,  with  a  spirited  outburst  of  insouci- 
ance arid  devilmaycarefulness. 

But  such  courage  of  a  Dutch  evaporated 
deplorably  on  closer  perusal  of  the  said  writ, 
which  contained  the  peremptory  mandate  that 
I  was  to  enter  my  appearance  within  the  in- 
credibly short  notice  of  eight  days,  or  the  judg- 
ment would  be  given  in  my  absence ! 

Now  it  was  totally  out  of  the  question  that  I 
was  to  prepare  a  long  complicated  defence,  and 
have  the  requisite  witnesses,  and  also  perfect 
myself  in  the  customs  and  etiquettes  of  Common 
Law  Procedure,  all  in  such  a  ridiculously  brief 
period ;  and  yet,  if  I  remained  perdu  with  a 
hidden  head,  I  could  not  hope  for  even  the 
minimum  of  justice,  since,  heigh-ho  !  les  absents 
ont  toujours  tort.  So  that  I  shed  blistering  and 
scalding  tears  like  a  spanked  child,  to  find  my- 
self confronting  such  a  devil  of  a  deep  sea,  and 
my  day  was  dismal  and  my  night  a  nonentity, 
until,  by  a  great  piece  of  potluck,  on  going  up 


174      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

the  next  morning  to  the  library  of  my  Inn,  I 
espied  my  young  friend  HOWARD  in  the  com- 
pound, busily  employed  in  a  lawn  tennis  game. 

Having  partially  poured  the  cat  from  my  bag 
already  into  his  sympathetic  and  receptive  bosom, 
I  decided  to  confide  to  him  my  hard  case  in  its 
entirety,  and  so  made  him  a  secret  sign  that  I 
desired  some  private  confabulations  at  his  earliest 
conveniency,  which  he  observing,  after  the  termi- 
nation of  the  match,  came  towards  the  remote 
bench  whereon  I  was  forlornly  moping,  and  sat 
down  kindly  by  my  side. 

This  young  Allbutt  -  INNETT,  I  am  to 
mention  here,  had  only  just  missed  succeeding 
in  the  passing  of  Bar  Exam  owing  to  the  in- 
veterate malignancy  of  his  stars  and  lack  of  a 
more  industrial  temperament  ;  but  from  the 
coolness  of  his  cheek,  and  complete  man-of-the- 
worldliness,  is  a  most  judicious  and  tip-top 
adviser  to  friends  in  tight  places. 

Experto  crede,  for,  when  he  had  heard  the 
latest  particulars  of  my  shocking  imbroglio,  he 
promptly  gave  me  the  excellent  advice  that  I 
was  to  consult  a  solicitor  ;  strongly  recommend- 
ing a  Mr  Sidney  Smartle,  who  was  a  former 
schoolmate  of  his  own,  and  a  good  thundering 
chap,  and  who  (he  thought)  was  not  so  over- 
burdened as  yet  by  legal  business  that  he  could 
not  find  time  for  working  the  oracle  on  my 
behalf. 

"  And  look  here,  Jab,"  he  added  (he  has  some- 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  175 

times  the  extreme  condescension  to  address  me 
as  an  abbreviation),  "  I'll  trot  you  up  to  him  at 
once — and  I  say,  A  i  idea  !  tell  him  you  mean 
to  be  your  own  counsel,  and  do  all  the  speechify- 
ing yourself.  Native  prince,  in  brand-new  wig 
and  gown,  defending  himself  single-handed  from 
wiles  of  artful  adventuress — why,  you'll  knock 
the  jury  as  if  with  old  boots ! " 

"  Alack,"  said  I,  sorrowfully  ;  "  though  I  am 
quite  competent  to  become  the  stump  orator  at 
shortest  notice,  I  do  not  see  how  I  can  enter  my 
first  appearance  until  I  have  carefully  instructed 
Misters  RAM  and  JALPANYBHOY  in  the  evidence 
they  are  to  give  and  leave  untold,  &c.,  and  a 
week  is  too  scanty  and  fugitive  a  period  for  such 
preparations  ! " 

"Nonsense  and  stuff!"  he  replies,  "you  will 
have  a  lot  more  than  that,  since  the  week  only 
applies  to  entering  an  appearance — which  is  a 
mere  farcical  formality  that  old  SiD  can  perform 
in  your  place  on  his  head."  At  which  I  was 
greatly  relieved. 

But  on  arrival  at  Mr  Smartle's  office  in 
Chancery  Lane,  we  were  disappointed  to  be 
informed,  by  a  small,  juvenile  clerk,  that  he  was 
absent  at  Wimbledon  on  urgent  professional 
affairs,  and  his  return  was  the  unknown  quantity. 
However,  after  waiting  till  close  upon  the  hour 
of  tiffin,  he  unexpectedly  turned  up  in  a  suit  of 
knickerbockers,  carrj'ing  a  long,  narrow  bag  full 
of  metal-headed  rods,  and  although  rather  adole- 


176      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

scent  than  senile  in  physical  appearance  I  was 
vastly  impressed  by  the  offhanded  cocksurety  of 
his  manner. 

My  friend  HOWARD  introduced  me,  and 
exhibited  my  doleful  predicament  in  the  shell 
of  a  nut,  whereupon  Mr  Smartle  jauntily  pro- 
nounced it  to  be  the  common  garden  breach  of 
promise,  but  that  we  had  better  all  repair  to  the 
First  Avenue  Hotel  and  lunch,  and  talk  the 
affair  over  afterwards. 

Which  we  did  in  the  smoking-room  after 
lunch,  with  coffee,  liqueurs,  and  cigars,  &c.,  for 
which  I  had  to  pay,  as  a  Tommy  Dod,  and  the 
odd  man  out  of  pocket. 

Mr  Smartle,  after  listening  attentively  to  my 
narrative,  said  that  I  certainly  seemed  to  him  to 
have  let  myself  into  the  deuced  cavity  of  a  hole 
by  so  publicly  proclaiming  my  engagement,  but 
that  my  status  as  an  oriental  foreigner,  and  the 
fact  I  had  asserted — viz.,  that  my  promise  was 
extorted  from  me  by  compulsion  and  sheer 
physical  funkiness  —  might  pull  me  through, 
unless  the  plaintiff  were  of  superlative  loveliness 
(which,  fortunately,  is  by  no  means  the  case). 

He  added,  that  we  had  better  engage 
WiTHERINGTON,  Q.C.,  as  he  was  notoriously 
the  crossest  examiner  at  the  Common  Bar. 

But  to  this  I  opposed  the  sine  qua  non  that  I 
am  to  have  the  sole  control  of  my  case  in  court, 
and  reap  the  undivided  kudos,  assuring  him  that 
I  should  be  able  to  cross-examine  all  witnesses 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  177 

until  they  could  not  stand  on  one  leg.  From 
some  private  motives  of  his  own,  he  sought  to 
overcome  my  determination,  hinting  that,  as  my 
calling  and  election  to  the  Bar  were  not  yet  an 
ancient  history,  I  might  not  possess  sufificient 
experience  ;  and  moreover  that,  by  appearing  in 
barristerial  garbage,  I  should  infallibly  forfeit  the 
indulgence  shown  by  a  judge  to  ordinary  liti- 
gants ;  to  which  I  responded  by  pointing  out 
that  I  was  a  typical  Indian  in  the  matter  of 
legal  subtlety  and  ready-made  wit,  and  that,  if 
not  capable  of  conducting  my  own  case,  how, 
then,  could  I  be  fit  to  undertake  a  logomachy 
for  any  third  parties  ?  finally,  that  it  is  pro- 
verbially unnecessary  to  keep  a  dog  when  you 
are  equally  proficient  in  the  practice  of  barking 
yourself. 

Whereupon,  silenced  by  my  a  fortiori  and 
reductio  ad  absurdunt,  he  gave  way,  saying  that 
it  was  my  own  affair,  and,  anyhow,  there  would 
be  plenty  of  time  to  consider  such  a  matter, 
since  the  plaintiff  might  not  choose  to  do  any- 
thing further  till  after  the  Long  Vacation,  and 
we  could  easily  postpone  the  hearing  of  the 
action  until  the  Midsummer  of  next  year. 

I,  however,  earnestly  protested  that  I  did  not 
wish  so  procrastinated  a  delay,  as  I  desired  to 
make  my  forensic  debut  at  the  earliest  possible 
moment,  and  urged  him  to  leave  no  stone 
unturned  to  get  the  job  finished  by  November 
at  least,   suggesting  that   if  we   could   ascertain 


178      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

the  name  and  address  of  the  judge  who  was  to 
try  the  case,  I  might  call  upon  him,  and,  in  a 
private  and  confidential  interview,  ascertain  the 
extent  of  his  disposition  in  my  favour,  and  the 
length  of  his  foot. 

To  which  Mr  Smartle  replied  that  he  could 
not  recommend  any  such  tactics,  as  I  should 
certainly  ascertain  the  dimensions  of  the  judicial 
foot  in  a  literal  and  painful  manner. 

Now  I  must  conclude  with  a  livelier  piece  of 
intelligence  :  I  am  now  in  receipt  of  the  wished- 
for  invitation  to  visit  the  Allbutt-Innett 
family  at  the  elegant  mansion  (or — to  speak 
Scottishly — "  manse ")  they  have  hired  for  a 
few  weeks  in  the  savage  and  romantic  mountains 
of  Ayrshire,  N.B. 

Mrs  A.-I.  wrote  that  there  is  no  shooting 
attached  to  the  manse,  but  several  aristocratic 
friends  of  theirs  own  moors  in  the  vicinity,  and 
will  inevitably  invite  them  and  their  visitors  to 
sport  with  them,  so  that,  as  she  believed  I  was 
the  keen  sportsman.  I  had  better  bring  my  gun. 

Alack  !  I  am  not  the  happy  possessor  of  any 
lethal  weapon,  but,  having  since  this  invitation 
practised  diligently  upon  tin  moving  beasts, 
bottles,  and  eggs  rendered  incredibly  lively  by  a 
jet  of  steam,  I  am  at  last  an  au  fait  with  a 
crackshot,  and  no  end  of  a  Nimrod. 

I  do  not  think  I  shall  purchase  a  gun,  for 
there  is  a  young  English  acquaintance  of  mine 
who  is  the  Devil's  Own  Volunteer,  and  who  will 


'WOULD   BE   GREATLY   IMPROVED    BY  THE   SIMPLE   ADDITION 
OF   SOME    KNEE-CAPS." 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  i8i 

no  doubt  have  the  good  nature  to  lend  me  his 
rifle  for  a  week  or  two. 

As  to  costume,  my  tailor  assures  me  that  it 
is  totally  unnecessary  to  assume  the  national 
raiment  of  a  Scotch,  unless  I  am  prepared  to 
stalk  after  a  stag.  But  why  should  I  be  deterred 
by  any  cowardly  fear  from  pursuing  so  constitu- 
tionally timid  a  quadruped  ?  I  have  therefore 
commissioned  him  to  manufacture  me  a  petticoat 
kilt,  with  a  chequered  tartan,  and  other  acces- 
sories, for  when  we  are  going  to  Rome,  it  is  the 
mark  of  politeness  to  dress  in  the  Romish  style. 

The  Caledonian  costume  is  indubitably  be- 
coming ;  but  would,  I  venture  humbly  to  think, 
be  greatly  improved  by  the  simple  addition  of 
some  knee-caps. 


Mr  Jabberjee    delivers    his 

Statement  of  Defence,    and 

makes   his  preparations  for 

the  North.     He  allows  his 

patriotic  sentiments  to  get  the  XXIII 

better  of  him  in  a  momentary 

outburst   of  disloyalty  —  to 

which  no  serious  importance 

need  be  attached. 


My  fair  plaintiff  has  not  suffered  the  grass  of 
inaction  to  grow  upon  her  feet,  having  already 
issued  her  Statement  of  Claim,  by  which  she 
alleges  that  I  proposed  marriage  on  a  certain 
date,  and  did  subsequently,  on  divers  occasions, 
treat  her,  in  the  presence  of  sundry  witnesses, 
as  an  affianced,  after  which  I  mizzled  into 
obscurity,  and  on  various  pretexts  did  decline, 
and  do  still  decline,  to  fulfil  my  nuptial  contract, 
by  which  conduct  the  plaintiff,  being  grievously 
afflicted  in  mind,  body,  and  estate,  claims  dam- 
ages to  the  doleful  tune  of  ;^iooo. 

(N.B. — I  have  thought  it  advisable  here  and 
there  to  translate  the  legal  phraseology  into 
more  comprehensible  verbiage.) 

Now  such  a  claim  is  to  milk  a  ram,  or  prendre 
la  lune  avec  les  dents,  seeing  that  I  am  not  a 
proprietor  of  even  one  thousand  rupees.     Never- 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  183 

theless  (as  I  have  informed  Mr  Smartle),  my 
progenitor,  the  Mooktear,  will  bleed  to  any 
reasonable   extent  of  costs  out  of  pocket. 

I  have  held  frequent  and  lengthy  interviews 
with  the  said  Smartle,  Esq.,  who  is  of  incredible 
despatch  and  celerity — though  I  sometimes  regret 
that  I  did  not  procure  a  solicitor  of  a  more  senile 
and  sympathetic  disposition. 

Assuredly  had  I  done  so,  such  an  one  would 
not,  after  perusing  my  Statement  of  Defence — a 
most  magnificently  voluminous  document  of  over 
fifty  folios,  crammed  and  stuffed  with  satirical 
hits  and  sideblows,  and  pathetic  appeals  for  the 
Bench's  indulgence,  and  replete  with  familiar 
quotations  from  best  classical  and  continental 
authors — such  an  one,  I  say,  would  not  have 
split  his  sides  with  disrespectful  chucklings, 
thrown  my  composition  into  a  wasted  paper 
receptacle,  and  proceeded  to  knock  off  a  meagre 
substitute  of  his  own,  containing  a  very  few  dry 
bald  paragraphs,  in  the  inadequately  brief  space 
of  under  the  hour. 

Such,  however,  was  Mr  Smartle's  course ; 
and  the  sole  consolation  is  that,  owing  to  his 
unprofessional  precipitation,  the  action  was  set 
down  for  trial  previously  to  the  commencement 
of  the  Long  Vacation,  and  my  case  may  come 
on  some  time  next  Term,  and  I  be  put  out  of 
my  misery  at  the  close  of  the  year. 

My  aforesaid  legal  adviser,  finding  that  I 
adhered  with   the   tenacity  of  bird-slime  to   my 


1 84      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

determination  to  conduct  my  case  in  person,  did 
hint  in  no  ambiguous  language,  that  it  might 
perhaps  be  even  better  for  me  to  do  the  guy 
next  November  to  my  native  land,  and  snip  my 
fingers  then  from  a  safe  distance  at  the  plaintiff. 

But  it  is  not  my  practice  to  exhibit  a  white 
feather  (except  when  prostrated  by  severe  bodily 
panics),  and  I  am  consumed  by  an  ardent  im- 
patience to  air  my  fluencies  and  legal  leamed- 
ness  before  the  publicity  of  a  London  Law 
Court 

Now,  begone  dull  care !  for  I  am  to  dismiss 
all  litigious  thoughts  till  October  or  November 
next,  and  become  a  Dolce  far  niente,  chasing  the 
deer  with  my  heart  in  the  Highlands. 

My  volunteering  acquaintance,  by  the  way, 
has  declined  to  lend  me  his  rifle,  on  the  trans- 
parent pretence  that  it  was  contrary  to  regula- 
tions, and  that  it  was  not  the  ton  ton  to  pursue 
grouse-birds  and  the  like  with  so  war-like  a 
weapon. 

So,  on  young  HOWARD'S  advice,  I  made  the 
purchase  from  a  pawnbroker  of  a  lethal  instru- 
ment, provided  with  a  duplicate  bore,  so  that, 
should  a  bird  happen  by  any  chance  to  escape 
my  first  barrel,  the  second  will  infallibly  make 
him  bite  the  dust. 

I  have  also  purchased  some  cartridges  of  a  very 
pleasing  colour,  a  hunting  knife,  and  a  shot  belt 
and  pouch,  and  if  I  can  only  procure  some  in- 
expensive kind  of  sporting  hound  from  the  Dogs' 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  185 

Home,  I  shall  be  forewarned  and  forearmed  cap 
d  pie  for  the  perils  and  pleasures  of  the  chase. 

Miss  Wee-Wee  did  earnestly  advise  me,  in- 
asmuch as  I  was  about  to  go  amongst  the  savage 
hill  tribes  of  canny  Scotians,  to  previously  make 
myself  acquainted  with  their  idioms,  &c.,  for 
which  purpose  she  lent  me  some  romances 
written  entirely  in  Caledonian  dialects,  also  the 
compositions  of  Hon.  Poet  BURNS. 

But  hoity-toity !  after  much  diligent  perusal, 
I  arrived  at  the  conclusion  that  such  works  were 
sealed  books  to  the  most  intelligent  foreigner, 
unless  he  is  furnished  with  a  good  Scotch 
grammar  and   dictionary. 

And  mirabile  dictu !  though  I  have  made 
diligent  inquiries  of  various  London  booksellers, 
I  have  found  it  utterly  impossible  to  obtain  such 
works  in  England — a  haughty  and  arrogantly 
dispositioned  country,  more  inclined  to  teach 
than  to  learn  ! 

How  many  of  your  boasted  British  Cabinet, 
supposed  to  rule  our  countless  millions  of  so- 
called  Indian  subjects,  would  be  capable  to  sit 
down  and  read  and  translate — correctly — a  single 
sentence  from  the  Mahdbharat  in  the  original  ? 

Not  more,  I  shrewdly  suspect,  than  half  a 
dozen  at  most ! 

So  it  is  not  to    be  expected  that  any  more 

interest  would   be  displayed  in  the  language  and 

literature    of  a  country   like   Scotland,   which   is 

notoriously   wild    and    barren   and    less   densely 

II 


i86      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

populated  and  productive  than  the  most  ordinary 
districts  of  Bengal. 

Oh,  you  pusillanimous  Highland  chiefs  and 
other  misters  !  how  long  will  you  tamely  submit 
to  such  offhanded  treatment?  Will  the  day 
never  come  when,  with  whirling  sporrans  and 
flashing  pibrochs  you  will  rise  against  the  alien 
oppressor,  and  demand  Home  Rule,  together 
with  the  total  abolition  of  present  disdainful 
British  insouciance  ? 

When  that  day  dawns — if  ever — please  note 
this  piece  of  private  intelligence  from  an 
authorised  source  :  Young  Bengal  will  be  with 
you  in  your  struggle  for  Autonomy.  If  not  in 
body,  assuredly  in  spirit.      Possibly  in  both. 

I  say  no  more,  in  case  I  should  be  accused  of 
trying  to  stir  up  seditious  feelings ;  but,  as  a 
patriotic  Baboo  gentleman,  my  blood  will  boil 
occasionally  at  instances  of  stuck-up  English 
self-sufficiency,  and  the  worm  in  the  bud,  if 
nipped  too  severely,  may  blossom  into  a  rather 
formidable  serpent ! 

As,  for  instance,  when,  in  the  course  of  an 
inoffensive  promenade,  I  am  addressed  by  an 
underbred  street-urchin  as  a  "  blooming  blacky," 
and  cannot  induce  a  policeman  to  compel  my 
aggressor  to  furnish  me  with  his  name  and 
address  or  that  of  his  parents,  or  even  to  offer 
the  most  ordinary  apology. 

Enough  of  these  rather  bitter  reflections,  how- 
ever.     I   omitted  to  mention  that   I   am  also  the 


1    AM  ADDRESSED   BY  AN   UNDERBRED  STREET-URCHIN   AS  A 
'  BLOOMING  BLACKY  !  '  " 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  189 

proprietor  (at  the  same  pawnbroker's  where  I 
bought  my  breeches-loader  gun)  of  a  very  fine 
second-hand  salmon-rod,  a  great  bargain  and 
immense  value,  with  which  I  hope  to  be  able  to 
catch  a  great  quantity  of  fishes. 

For  there  is,  according  to  young  HOWARD, 
good  fishing  in  a  burn  adjoining  the  Manse,  so  I 
snail  follow  King  Solomon's  injunctions,  and  not 
spare  the  rod  and  spoil  the  salmons,  though  if  I 
should  happen  to  "  spoil "  my  rod,  the  salmons 
would  inevitably  in  consequence  be  "  spared." 

This  is  a  sample  of  the  kind  of  verbal 
pleasantries  in  which,  when  in  exhilarated  high 
spirits,  I  sometimes  facetiously  indulge. 


Mr  Jabber jee  relates  his  ex-  W'YWT 

periences  upon  the  Moors.  ^^  -A.  i  V 


I  AM  now  an  acclimatised  denizen  of  Caledonia 
stem  and  wild  ;  which,  however,  turns  out  to  be 
milder  and  tamer  than  depicted  by  the  jaundiced 
hand  of  national  jealousy. 

For,  since  my  arrival  at  this  hamlet  of  Kil- 
paitrick,  N.B.,  I  have  not  once  beheld  any  species 
of  savage  hill-man  ;  moreover,  the  adult  inhabit- 
ants are  clothed  with  irreproachable  decency, 
and,  if  the  juveniles  run  about  with  denuded  feet 
and  heads,  where  is  the  shocking  scandal  ? 

Mr  Allbutt-Innett,  sen.,  did  me  the  honour 
to  appear  in  person  upon  the  Kilpaitrick  plat- 
form, and  welcome  me  with  outspread  arms  to 
his  temporary  hearth  and  home,  but  I  shall  have 
the  candour  of  confessing  my  disappointment 
with  the  size  and  appearance  of  the  same.  It 
appears  that  a  "  Manse  "  is  not  at  all  a  palatial 
edifice,  furnished  with  a  plethora  of  marble  halls 
and  vassals  and  serfs,  &c.,  but  simply  the  very 
so-so  and  two-storied  abode  of  some  local  priest ! 

My  gracious   hostess  was   to    tender    profuse 

apologies  for  its  homeliness,  on  the  plea  that  it 

is   refreshing   at   times  to   lay  aside  ceremonial 

magnificence    and    unbend    in    rural    simplicity, 

190 


'OF   INCREDIBLE    BASHFULNESS    AND    BUCOLICAL   APPEARANCE. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  193 

though  it  is  not  humanly  possible  to  unbend 
oneself  upon  the  thorny  bosoms  of  chairs  and 
couches  severely  upholstered  with  the  prickling 
hairs  of  an  extinct  horse. 

Still,  as  I  assured  Miss  Wee-Wee,  she  is  the 
happy  owner  of  a  magical  knack  to  transform, 
by  her  sheer  apparition,  the  humblest  hovel  into 
the  first-class  family  residence  with  every  modern 
improvement. 

With  the  said  Miss  I  continue  on  terms  of 
hand  and  gloveship,  with  mutual  harmless  jokes, 
which  would  perhaps  be  as  caviare  on  toast  to  a 
general,  though  I  shall  venture  to  recount  some 
examples. 

A  certain  local  young  laird,  of  incredible 
bashfulness  and  bucolical  appearance,  is  a 
frequent  visitor  at  the  manse,  and  the  fervent 
admirer  of  Miss  Wee-Wee,  who  cannot  endure 
the  tedium  of  his  society,  and  is  constantly 
endeavouring  to  escape  therefrom. 

Now  his  name  is  Mr  Crum,  and  I  have 
frequently  entertained  her  in  private  by  play 
upon  the  word,  alluding  to  him  as  "  Mister 
Crust,"  "  Mister  Oatcake,"  or  "  the  Scotch 
Bun,"  and  the  like  ;  but  he  informed  me  that 
he  preferred  to  be  addressed  as  "  Balbannock," 
and  upon  my  inquiring  his  reasons  for  selecting 
such  an  alias,  he  answered  that  it  was  because 
he  inhabited  a  house  of  that  name. 

Whereupon  I  facetiously  requested  that  he 
would    address    myself    in     future    as    "  Mister 


194      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

Seventy-nine,  Hereford  Road,  Bayswater,"  which 
stroke  of  wit  occasioned  inextinguishable  merri- 
ment from  Miss  Wee-Wee,  though  it  did  not 
excite  from  the  aforesaid  laird  so  much  as  the 
smallest  simper  ! 

From  an  ingrained  love  of  teasing,  and  also 
the  natural  desire  to  stimulate  her  appreciation 
of  my  superior  fertility  in  small  talk  and  Vart 
de  plaire,  I  do  often  slyly  contrive  to  inflict  his 
sole  society  upon  her — to  the  huge  entertain- 
ment of  her  father  and  mother,  who  carry  on 
the  joke  by  assisting  my  manoeuvrings  ;  but, 
although  it  affords  me  a  flattering  gratification 
to  be  plaintively  upbraided  by  Miss  Wee-Wee 
for  my  cruel  desertion,  I  am  resolved  not  to 
persist  in  such  heartless  pranks  beyond  her 
natural  endurance. 

Shortly  after  my  arrival  I  heard  from  my 
host  that  he  was  the  recipient  of  an  invitation 
from  a  Mister  Bagshot,  Q.C,  that  he  and  his 
son  Howard  would  accompany  him  to  a  shoot- 
ing expedition  upon  some  adjacent  moors,  and 
that,  being  now  immoderately  plump,  and  past 
his  prime  as  a  potshot,  he  had  requested  leave 
to  nominate  myself  as  his  budli  or  substitute, 
explaining  that  I  was  a  young  Indian  prince  of 
great  prowess  at  every  kind  of  big  games. 

Accordingly,  to  my  great  delight,  it  was 
arranged  that  I  should  take  his  place. 

My  young  friend  HOWARD,  beholding  me 
appear    at    the    breakfast-table    arrayed    in    my 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  195 

short  kilt  and  superincumbent  belly- purse  with 
tassels,  did  entreat  me  to  change  myself  into 
ordinary  knickerbockers,  lest  I  should  catch 
death  with  a  cold. 

But  I  declined,  disdaining  such  dangers,  and 
assuring  him  that  I  did  not  at  all  dislike  the 
excessive  ventilation  of  my  knees. 

We  drove  to  Mr  Bagshot's  residence, 
Rowans  Castle,  in  a  hired  machine,  and  found 
the  gentlemen -shooters  gathered  outside  the 
portico.  Amongst  the  party  I  was  pleased  to 
observe  Hon'ble  Justice  CUMMERBUND,  who, 
when  we  were  all  ascended  into  the  waggonette- 
break,  did  rally  me  very  good-humouredly  upon 
some  mixed  bag  of  elephants  and  tigers  he  had 
heard  (or  so  he  said)  I  had  accomplished  in 
some   up-country  jungle. 

At  first,  knowing  that  this  was  the  utter 
impossibility,  I  perspired  with  terror  that  he 
was  making  me  the  fool,  but  apparently  he 
was  himself  under  a  misunderstanding,  for 
when  we  had  left  the  vehicle  and  were  prepar- 
ing to  advance,  he  paid  me  the  distinguished 
compliment  of  entreating  that  I  might  be 
awarded  the  command  of  one  extremity  of  the 
line,  while  he  himself  was  to  preside  over  the 
opposite  end  ! 

And  thus  we  commenced  to  climb  a  steep 
hill,  thickly  covered  with  a  very  pricklesome 
heather,  and  black  slimy  bogs,  wherein  the 
varnish    of   my   patent-leather    shoes    did    soon 


196      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

become  totally  dimmed.  So,  being  gravely 
incommoded  by  the  shortness  of  my  wind,  I 
entrusted  my  musket  to  an  under-keeper, 
begging  him  to  inform  me  of  the  early 
approach   of  any  stag  or  deer. 

However,  we  saw  nothing  to  shoot  at  except 
various  sorts  of  wild  poultry,  and  when  some  of 
these  flew  up  immediately  in  front  of  me,  I  was 
too  late,  owing  to  the  carriage  of  my  gun  by  an 
underling,  to  do  more  than  fire  off  a  couple  of 
barrels  as  a  declaration  of  hostility. 

But  profiting  by  this  lesson  in  being  semper 
paratus,  I  refused  to  part  again  with  my  deadly 
instrument,  and  stumbled  manfully  onwards  with 
finger  upon  the  triggers,  letting  them  fly  instan- 
taneously at  the  first  appearance  of  any  animals 
fercB  naturce. 

It  is  not  customary,  I  was  assured,  to  slay 
the  wild  sheep  in  these  districts,  though  horned, 
and  of  an  excessively  ferocious  appearance,  and 
even  when  firing  my  bullets  at  birds,  I  was  sub- 
jected to  continual  reproofs  from  some  officious 
keeper  or  other. 

For  example,  I  was  not  to  shoot  into  a  flock 
of  partridges,  for  the  superstitious  reason,  for- 
sooth !  that  it  was  still  the  month  of  August, 
which  is  supposed  to  be  unlucky  ! 

Again,  I  was  rebuked  for  burning  powder 
at  a  grey  hen,  because  it  is  the  wife  of  a 
black-cock,  which  may  be  shot  with  impunity. 
Although  a  highly  chivalrous  chap  in  questions 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  197 

of  the  fairer  sex,  I  am  yet  to  see  why  it  is 
allowable  to  render  the  female  bird  a  bereaved 
widow,  but  totally  forbidden  to  make  the  male 
a  widower !  Or  why  it  is  permissible  to  slay  a 
minute  bird  such  as  a  snipe,  while  a  titlark  is  on 
no  account  to  be  touched. 

Being  eventually  exasperated  by  these  un- 
reasonable faultfindings,  seeing  that  I  had 
merely  emptied  my  gun-barrels  without  actually 
destroying  any  of  these  sacred  volatiles,  1 
addressed  the  keeper  in  the  withering  tones  of 
a  sarcasm  :  "  Mister  Keeper,"  I  said,  "  as  I  am 
not  the  ornithologist  or  soothsayer  to  distinguish 
infallibly  every  species  of  bird  by  instinct  when 
flying  with  incredible  velocity,  would  it  not  be 
better  that  I  should  discharge  no  shots  in 
future  ? " 

To  which,  abashed  by  my  severity,  he  replied 
that  he  could  not  just  say  that  it  would  make 
any  considerable  difference  whether  I  fired  at  all 
or  none. 

My  fellow-shooters,  however,  could  not  refrain 
from  shouting  with  irrepressible  admiration  at  the 
intrepidity  with  which,  forestalling  the  fleetest 
dogs,  I  did  rush  forward  to  pick  up  the  fallen 
grouse-birds,  and  repeatedly  exhorted  me  to  take 
greater  care  for  my  own  safety. 

I  cannot  say  that  they  exhibited  equivalent 
courageousness,  seeing  that,  so  often  as  I  raised 
my  gun  to  fire,  they  flung  themselves  upon  their 
stomachs   in   the   heather  until    I    had   finished, 


198      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

upon  which  I  rallied  them  mercilessly  upon  their 
timidity,  assuring  them  repeatedly  that  they  had 
nothing  to  fear. 

Yet  English  and  Scotch  alike  accuse  us 
Bengalees  of  being  subject  to  excessive  funki- 
ness.  What  about  the  Pot  and  the  Kettle, 
Misters  ? 

I  am  to  reserve  the  conclusion  of  my  shooting 
experiences  until  a  future  occasion. 


Mr  Jabberjee    concludes    the 
thrilling  account  of  his   ex- 
periences on  a  Scotch  moor,  yCX.  v 
greatly  to  his  own  glorifica- 
tion. 


Now  to  resume  the  rather  arbitrarily  truncated 
account  of  my  gunnery  on  Scottish  moors. 

Before  luncheon  I  ventured  to  remonstrate 
earnestly  with  my  entertainer,  Mr  BagsHOT, 
Q.C.,  concerning  the  extreme  severity  with 
which  he  chastised  a  juvenile  sporting  hound 
of  his  for  such  trivial  offences  as  running  after 
some  rabbit,  or  picking  up  slaughtered  volatiles 
without  receiving  the  mot  cTordre  ! 

"  Listen,  honourable  Sir,"  I  entreated  him,  "  to 
the  voice  of  Reason  !  It  is  the  second  nature  of 
all  such  canines  to  pursue  vermins,  nor  are  they 
at  all  capable  of  comprehending  the  Why  and 
Wherefore  of  a  shocking  flagellation.  If  it  is 
your  wish  that  this  hound  should  play  the  part 
of  a  Tantalus,  forbidden  even  to  touch  the  bonne- 
bouches  with  his  watering  mouth,  surely  it  is 
possible  to  restrain  him  by  a  more  humane 
method  than  Brute  Force  !  " 

At  this  mild  reproof  Mister  Bagshot  became 
utterly   rubescent,   murmuring   excuses  which    I 


200      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

did  not  catch  ;  and  I,  perceiving  that  this 
object  lesson  of  kindness  to  animals  from  an 
Oriental  had  strongly  affected  all  the  shooters, 
patted  the  hound  on  the  forehead,  consoling  him 
with  some  chocolate  I  carried  in  my  cartridge 
sack. 

We  picnicked  our  lunch  under  a  stone  wall, 
and  I,  becoming  an  hilarious,  rallied  my  com- 
panions unmercifully  upon  the  solemnity  with 
which  they  had  marched  in  cautious  silence,  and 
with  stern  countenances  as  to  attack  some  for- 
midable foe — and  all  to  slaughter  sundry  braces 
of  inoffensive  grouse-birds — truly  an  heroical  sort 
of  undertaking ! 

To  which  Hon'ble  Cummerbund  replied,  with 
his  utterance  impeded  by  cold  pie,  that  I  might 
congratulate  myself  on  having  kept  my  own 
hands  unstained  by  any  grouse's  gore. 

"  True,  Mister  Ex-Judge,"  I  retorted,  "  but  as 
you  have  already  testified"  (here  I  hoisted  his 
own  petard  at  him  rather  ingeniously),  "  I  am 
more  an  au  fait  in  the  extermination  of  elephants 
et  hoc  genus  omne,  and  have  hitherto  reserved 
my  powder  and  shot  for  a  stag  or  some  similar 
monarch  of  the  glen.  However,  after  lunch  let 
us  see  whether  I  am  not  competent  to  kill,  or  at 
least  maim,  one  of  these  same  grouse-fowls,  _/a«/^ 
de  tnieux  !  " 

A  repartee  which  excited  uproarious  laughter 
(at  Hon'ble  C.'s  expense)  from  all  the  present 
company. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  201 

Subsequently,  we  were  posted  in  a  row  of 
small  fortresses  constructed  of  turfs,  to  await 
what  is  termed  a  "  Drive,"  i.e.,  until  some  flock 
of  grouse-birds,  exasperated  to  fury  by  the  cries 
and  blows  of  certain  individuals  called  "  beaters," 
should  attack  our  positions. 

Hearing  that  the  grouses  on  this  moor  were 
of  an  excessive  wildness,  I  was  at  first  appre- 
hensive that  one  might  fly  at  my  nose  or 
eyes  while  I  was  busied  in  defending  myself 
against  its.  fellows,  but  the  keeper  who  was 
with  me  assured  me  that  such  was  seldom  their 
custom. 

And,  indeed,  such  as  came  in  my  direction 
flew  with  wings  so  accelerated  by  panic  that 
they  were  invisible  before  I  could  even  select 
one  as  my  target,  so  I  was  reduced  to  fire  with 
considerable  random.  Presently  the  beaters 
approached,  carrying  flags  of  truce,  and  we 
sallied  out  of  our  forts  to  pick  up  the  slain  and 
wounded.  After  diligent  search,  I  had  the 
happiness  to  discover  a  grouse-bird,  stone 
dead,  in  the  heather,  and,  capering  with 
triumph,  called  to  the  keeper  to  come  and 
see   the   spoil. 

On  his  arrival,  however,  he  saio  that  he  could 
not  just  think  it  would  be  my  bird,  as  he  had 
not  noticed  any  fall  in  that  direction.  But  after 
I  had  presented  him  with  a  piece  of  silver,  he  did 
agree  that  if  I  chose  to  claim  the  bird  as  mine, 
it  was  not  his  place  to  contradict  me,  and  so  in 


202      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

great  glee  I  exhibited  my  prize  to  the  others, 
appealing  to  the  keeper  (who  basely  remained 
sotto  voce)  for  confirmation. 

"  A  devilish  clean  shot,  Prince  !  "  Sir  CUMMER- 
BUND graciously  remarked  ;  "  why,  the  bird  is 
stiff  and  cold  already  !  " 

Whereupon  I  was  cordially  congratulated, 
and  awarded  the  tail  feathers  to  decorate  my 
"tommy-shanty,"  and  during  the  next  driving, 
having  now  acquired  the  knack,  I  rendered 
several  more  denizens  of  the  air  the  hors  de 
combats,  though — either  on  account  of  their 
great  ingenuity  in  running  out  of  the  radius, 
or  creeping  into  holes,  etc.,  or  else  the  stupidity 
of  the  retrieving  dogs — their  corpses  remained 
irrecoverable. 

On  taking  my  leave,  I  expressed  unbounded 
satisfaction  with  such  sport  as  I  had  had,  and 
my  fixed  intention  to  assist  on  some  similar 
shooting-expedition,  and  Mr  BagsHOT  kindly 
promised  to  let  me  know  if  he  should  again 
have  vacancy  for  an  additional  gun. 

I  regret  to  say  that  young  HOWARD,  who, 
having  only  laid  low  a  couple  of  black  cocks 
and  a  blue  hare,  was  immoderately  jealous  of 
my  superior  skilfulness,  did  seek  to  depreciate  it 
by  insinuating  that  my  grouse  was  one  which, 
having  been  seriously  wounded  by  other  hands 
some  days  previously,  had  come  up  to  the  hills 
to  shuffle  off  its  mortal  coil  in  seclusion,  arguing 


I    PRESENTED    MY   TROrHY   AND   TREASURE-TROVE   TO  THE 
FAIRYLIKE    MISS   WEE-WEE." 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  205 

thus  from  its  total  absence  of  heat  and  supple- 
ness. 

This  is  the  merest  quibble,  and  to  travel  out 
of  the  record,  since,  of  course,  if  a  bird  is  at  all 
of  a  venerable  age,  it  becomes  stiff  and  deficient 
in  vital  warmth  long  before  it  is  popped  off! 
Moreover,  if  the  grouse  were  not  legitimately 
my  property,  why,  forsooth,  should  I  be  per- 
mitted to  carry  it  home  ? 

I  presented  my  trophy  and  treasure-trove  to 
the  fairylike  Miss  Wee-Wee,  who  was  so  over- 
whelmed by  the  compliment  that  she  entreated 
for  it  to  be  cooked  and  eaten  instanter. 

As  soon  as  I  have  recovered  a  missing  link  of 
my  fishing-rod  (which  it  seems  has  been  over- 
looked by  Mister  Pawnbroker),  and  when  I  have 
procured  some  suitable  bait,  &c.,  it  is  my  inten- 
tion to  catch  a  fine  salmon  out  of  the  burn  for 
my  enchanting  divinity,  and,  as  I  place  the  fish 
in  her  lily-like  hands,  to  strike  iron  while  it 
is  hot  and  make  her  the  formal  proposal  of 
matrimony. 

Mister  Crum,  hearing  of  my  piscatorial  am- 
bitions, has,  with  almost  incredible  simplicity, 
offered  to  lend  me  his  salmon  rod,  with  a  volume 
of  flies,  little  suspecting  that  he  will  be  assisting 
me  to  catch  two  fish  upon  one  hook  !  I  am 
immensely  tickled  by  such  a  tip-top  joke,  and 
can  scarcely  refrain  from  imparting  it  to  Miss 
Wee-Wee  herself,  though  I  shall  wait  until  I 
have  first  secured  the  salmon. 


2o6      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

I  had  some  valuable  remarks  upon  Scottish 
idioms  and  lincruistic  peculiarities,  &c.,  but  these, 
of  course,  are  to  be  suppressed  sine  die — unless  I 
am  to  be  permitted  to  overflow  into  a  special 
supplement. 


Mr  Jabberjee  expresses  some 

audaciously  sceptical  opinions. 

How  he  secured  his  first  Sal-  V  V"  \/  T 

mon,    with    the    manfier    in 

which  he  presented  it  to  his 

diviftity. 

Owing  mainly  to  lack  of  opportunity,  invitations, 
et  ccBtera,  I  have  not  resumed  the  offensive 
against  members  of  the  grouse  department,  but 
have  rather  occupied  myself  in  laborious  study 
of  Caledonian  dialects,  as  exemplified  in  sundry 
local  works  of  poetical  and  prose  fiction,  until  I 
should  be  competent  to  converse  with  the 
aborigines  in   their  own  tongue. 

Then  (having  now  the  diction  of  Poet  BURNS 
in  my  fingers'  ends)  I  did  genially  accost  the 
first  native  I  met  in  the  street  of  Kilpaitrick, 
complimenting  him  upon  his  honest,  sonsie  face, 
and  enquiring  whether  he  had  wha-haed  wi' 
Hon'ble  Wallace,  and  was  to  bruise  the 
Peckomaut,  or  ca'  the  knowes  to  the  yowes. 
But,  from  the  intemperance  of  his  reply,  I 
divined  that  he  was  totally  without  compre- 
hension of  my  meaning  ! 

Next  I  addressed  him  by  turns  in  the  phrase- 
ologies of  Misters  BLACK,  Barrie,  and  CROCKETT, 
Esquires,  interlarding  my  speech  with  "  whatefers," 

12  907 


2o8      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

and  "  hechs,"  and  "  ou-ays,"  and  "  dod-mons,"  and 
"  loshes,"  and  "  tods,"  ad  libitum^  to  which  after 
Hstening  with  the  most  earnest  attention,  he 
returned  the  answer  that  he  was  not  acquainted 
with  any  Oriental  language. 

Nor  could  I  by  any  argument  convince  this 
beetle-head  that  I  was  simply  speaking  the  bar- 
barous accents  of  his  native  land  ! 

Since  which,  after  some  similar  experiments 
upon  various  peasants,  &c.,  I  have  made  a  rather 
peculiar  discovery. 

There  is  no  longer  any  such  article  as  a 
separate  Scottish  language,  and,  indeed,  I  am  in 
some  dubitation  whether  it  ever  existed  at  all, 
and  is  not  rather  the  waggish  invention  of  certain 
audacious  Scottishers,  who  have  taken  advantage 
of  the  insular  ignorance  and  credulity  of  the 
British  public  to  palm  off  upon  it  several  highly 
fictitious  kinds  of  unintelligible  gibberish  ! 

Nay,  I  will  even  go  farther  and  express  a 
grave  suspicion  whether  the  Scotland  of  these 
bookish  romances  is  not  the  daring  imposture  of 
a  ben  trovato.  For,  after  a  prolonged  residence 
of  over  a  fortnight,  I  have  never  seen  anything 
approaching  a  mountain  pass,  nor  a  dizzy  crag, 
surmounted  by  an  eagle,  nor  any  stag  drinking 
itself  full  at  eve  among  the  shady  trunks  of 
a  deer-forest !  I  have  never  met  a  single 
mountaineer  in  feminine  bonnet  and  plumes 
and  short  petticoats,  and  pipes  inserted  in  a  bag. 
Nor  do  the  inhabitants  dance  in  the  street  upon 


j!i}>t/ 


"whether   he   had   VVHA-HAED  Wl'    HON'BLE  WALLACE?" 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  211 

crossed  sword-blades — this  is  purely  a  London 
practice.  Nor  have  I  seen  any  Caledonian 
snuffing  his  nostrils  with  tobacco  from  the  dis- 
carded horn  of  some  ram. 

Finding  that  my  short  kilt  is  no  longer  the 
mould  of  national  form,  I  have  now  altogether 
abandoned  it,  while  retaining  the  fox-tailed  belly- 
purse  on  account  of  its  convenience  and  hand- 
some appearance. 

Now  let  me  proceed  to  narrate  how  I  became 
the  captor  of  a  large-sized  salmon. 

Having  accepted  the  loan  of  Mister  Crum'S 
fishing-wand,  and  attached  to  my  line  certain 
large  flies,  composed  of  black  hairs,  red  worsted, 
and  gilded  thread,  which  it  seems  the  salmons 
prefer  even  to  worms,  I  sallied  forth  along  the 
riparian  bank  of  a  river,  and  proceeded  to  whip 
the  stream  v/ith  the  severity  of  Emperor  Xerxes 
when  engaged  in  flagellating  the  ocean. 

But  waesucks  !  (to  employ  the  perhaps  spurious 
verbiage  of  aforesaid  Poet  Burns)  my  line,  owing 
to  superabundant  longitude,  did  promptly  become 
a  labyrinth  of  Gordian  knots,  and  the  flies  (which 
are  named  Zulus)  attached  their  barbs  to  my 
cap  and  adjacent  bushes  with  well-nigh  inextric- 
able tenacity,  until  at  length  I  had  the  bright 
idea  to  abbreviate  the  line,  so  that  I  could  dangle 
my  bait  a  foot  or  two  above  the  surface  of  the 
water — where  a  salmon  could  easily  obtain  it 
by  simply  turning  a  somersault. 

However,  after  sitting  patiently  for  an  hour, 


212      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

as  if  on  a  monument,  I  could  not  succeed  in 
catching  the  eye  of  any  passing  fish,  and  so, 
severely  disheartened  by  my  ill-luck,  I  was 
strolling  on,  shouldering  my  rod,  when  — 
odzooks !  whom  should  I  encounter  but  Mister 
Bagshot  and  a  party  of  friends,  who  were 
watching  his  keepers  capture  salmons  from  a 
boat  by  means  of  a  large  net,  a  far  more  practical 
and  effectual  method  than  the  cumbersome  and 
unreliable  device  of  a  meretricious  fly  with  a 
very  visible  hook  ! 

And,  just  as  I  approached,  the  net  was  drawn 
towards  the  bank,  and  proved  to  contain  three 
very  large  lively  fishes  lashing  their  tails  with 
ungovernable  fury  at  such  detention  ! 

Whereupon  I  made  the  humble  petition  to 
Mister  Bagshot  that,  since  he  was  now  the 
favourite  of  Fortune,  he  was  to  remember  him  to 
whom  she  had  denied  her  simpers,  and  bestow 
upon  me  the  most  mediocre  of  the  salmons,  since 
I  was  desirous  to  make  a  polite  offering  to  the 
amiable  daughter  of  my  host  and  hostess. 

And  with  munificent  generosity  he  presented 
me  with  the  largest  of  the  trio,  which,  with  great 
jubilation,  I  endeavoured  to  carry  off  under  my 
arm,  though  severely  baffled  by  the  extreme 
slipperiness  with  which  (even  after  its  decease) 
it  repeatedly  wallowed  in  dust,  until  someone, 
perceiving  my  fix,  good-naturedly  instructed  me 
how  to  carry  it  by  perforating  its  head  with  a 
piece  of  string. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  213 

I  found  Miss  Wee- Wee  in  a  secluded  garden 
seat  at  the  back  of  the  Manse,  incommoded,  as 
usual,  by  the  society  of  Mister  Crum.  "  Sir," 
I  said,  addressing  him  politely  (for  I  was  ex- 
tremely anxious  for  his  departure,  since  I  could 
not  well  present  my  salmon  to  Miss  Wee-Wee 
and  request  the  quid-pro-quo  of  her  affection  in 
his  presence),  "  accept  my  gratitude  for  the 
usufruct  of  your  rod,  which  has  produced  mag- 
nificent fruit.  You  will  find  the  instrument 
leaning  against  the  palings  of  the  front  garden." 
And  with  this  I  made  secret  signals  to  Miss 
Wee-Wee  that  she  was  to  dismiss  him  ;  but  she 
remained  bashful,  and  he  seemed  totally  unaware 
that  he  was  the  drug  of  the  market ! 

At  last,  weary  of  concealing  my  captured 
salmon  any  longer  behind  the  small  of  my  back, 
I  was  about  to  inform  Mister  Crum  that 
he  had  Miss  Louisa's  permission  to  absent 
himself,  when  she  broke  the  silence  by  informing 
me  that,  as  tl"ie  old  familiar  friend  of  both  parties, 
I  was  to  be  the  first  to  hear  a  piece  of  news — 
to  wit,  that  Donald  (Mister  C.'s  baptismal 
appellation)  and  she  were  just  become  the  en- 
gaged couple ! 

I  was  so  overcome  by  grief  and  indignation 
at  her  perfidious  duplicity  (since  she  had  fre- 
quently encouraged  me  in  my  mockeries  of  her 
admirer's  uncouthness  and  rusticity),  that  I  stuck 
in  the  throat,  and  then  flung  the  salmon  violently 
across  a  boundary  hedge  into  a  yard  of  poultry. 


214      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

"  Madam,"  I  said,  "  that  fish  was  to  have  been 
laid  at  your  feet  as  the  visible  pledge  of  my 
devotion.  You  have  not  only  lost  the  gift  of 
a  splendid  salmon,  but  have  thrown  away  the 
heart  of  a  well-educated  native  B.A.  and  Member 
of  the  Bar  !  And  you  have  gained — hoity  toity ! 
What  ?     Why,  a  Scotch  Bun  ! " 

But  almost  immediately  I  was  taken  by  vio- 
lent remorse  for  my  presumption,  and  shed  the 
tears  of  contrition,  entreating  forgiveness — nay, 
more,  I  scrambled  through  a  hole  in  a  very 
thorny  hedge,  and,  recovering  the  salmon  (which 
had  not  had  time  to  become  very  severely  hen- 
pecked), I  begged  them  to  accept  it  between  them 
as  a  token  of  my  esteem  and  good  wishes,  which 
they  joyfully  consented  to  do.  I  had  expected 
that  my  worthy  host  and  hostess  would  have 
shared  my  astounded  disappointment  on  hearing 
of  their  daughter's  engagement ;  but,  on  the 
contrary,  they  received  the  news  with  smiling 
complacency. 

It  appears  that  Mister  Crum,  though  endowed 
with  a  somewhat  sheepish  and  bucolical  exterior, 
is  of  tip-top  Scottish  caste  and  lineage,  and  the 
landed  proprietor. 

I  am  not  to  deny  the  attractiveness  of  such 
qualities,  though  I  had  hitherto  been  under  the 
Fool's  Paradise  of  an  impression  that  they  would 
have  infinitely  preferred  this  humble  self  as  a 
son-in-law. 

However,  I  am  now  emerging  from  my  doleful 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  215 

dumps,  with  the  reflection  that,  after  all,  it  is 
contrary  to  common-sense  to  drain  the  cup  of 
misery  to  the  dregs  for  so  totally  inadequate  a 
cause  as  the  ficklety  of  any  feminine  ! 


Mr  Jabber jee  is  unavoidably 
compelled  to  return  to  town, 
thereby  affording  his  Solicitor 
the  inestimable  benefit  of  his  XX  v  II 

personal  assistance.  An  ap- 
parent attempt  to  pack  the 
Jury. 

The  Public  will  be  astounded  at  the  news 
(which  came  with  the  perfect  novelty  of  a 
surprise  upon  this  insignificant  self)  that  I  have 
ceased  to  be  the  cherished  guest  beneath  the 
hired  Scottish  roof  of  Mister  Leofric  Allbutt- 
Innett  and  his  bucksome  lady. 

It  fell  out  after  this  fashion. 

One  fine  September  morning,  when  I  was 
accoutring  myself  in  order  to  go  out  and  hunt 
the  robert  (N.B.  a  genuine  local  Scotticism  for 
individuals  belonging  to  the  rabbit  genius),  there 
came  to  me  my  young  friend  Howard,  who  was 
to  teach  my  young  idea  how  to  shoot,  in  great 
gloom,  asking  me  if  it  would  take  me  a  prolonged 
period  to  pack  up  my  impedimenta. 

I  replied  that  I  could  do  the  trick  instan- 
taneously, inquiring  the  reason  for  his  question. 

"  Because,"  said  he,  "  if  I  were  you,  I  should 
have  a  wire  requiring  me  to  come  up  to  London 
at  once." 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  217 

"  From  my  solicitor  ? "  I  inquired,  "  Is  he 
then  desirous  of  consulting  with  me  ?  " 

My  friend  answered  me  that  it  was  the  one 
object  of  his  present  existence, 

"  In  that  case,"  said  I,  rather  spiritedly,  "  let 
him  come  up  here,  since  I  am  not  a  mountain 
that  I  should  obey  the  becking  call  of  any 
Mahomet.  Moreover,  I  am  impatient  to  achieve 
the  destruction  of  some  Scottish  roberts." 

"  If  you  will  take  my  advice,"  he  said,  "  you 
will  grant  them  a  reprieve,  and  make  a  scarcity 
of  yourself.  There  is  a  train  for  Glasgow  which 
you  can  just  catch.  I  wouldn't  distress  the 
Mater  and  Governor  by  any  farewells,  you 
know." 

"  But,"  I  objected,  "  I  am  not  even  in  receipt 
of  any  telegram.  Nor  can  I  possibly  omit  the 
etiquette  of  a  ceremonious  leave-taking  with 
your  honourable  parents." 

"  Just  as  you  please,"  replied  he.  "  Just  now 
the  Governor  and  Mater  are  in  the  front  sitting- 
room,  engaged  in  perusing  the  back  numbers  of 
your  precious  '  Jossers  and  Tidlers '  or  whatever 
you  call  'em,  which  have  been  thoughtfully  for- 
warded by  a  relative.  I  don't  think  I'd  disturb 
them." 

"  Are  they  so  hugely  interested  in  the  per- 
formances of  my  unassuming  ^enna  ?  "  I  cried, 
with  the  gratified  simpering  of  a  flattered. 

"  It  looked  like  it  when  I  left  the  room,"  said 
he ;  "  the  Mater  was    very  near  rolling  on   the 


218      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

oilcloth,  and  the  Governor  dancing  and  foaming 
from  his  mouth.  What  an  awfully  old  ass  you 
have  been,  jAB,  to  go  and  blurt  out  everything  in 
print — about  your  breach  of  promise  case,  and 
getting  to  know  us,  and — worst  of  all — being 
merely  a  bogey  prince.  Naturally,  we  don't 
care  about  being  made  to  look  fools.  The  dear 
old  Mater,  you  know,  is  one  of  those  simple, 
trusting  natures  that,  if  they  once  discover  they 
have  been  taken  in  by  a  sham  title,  why,  they 
kick  up  the  row  of  a  deuce !  And,  as  for  the 
Governor,  he's  the  sort  of  old  retiring  chap  that 
has  a  downright  loathing  of  publicity,  when  it 
makes  him  ridiculous.  If  he  came  across  you 
just  now,  there's  really  no  saying  what  he 
mightn't  do.  He's  such  a  devilishly  hot- 
tempered  old  boy ! " 

I  did  not  comprehend  the  reasons  for  such 
exuberant  anger,  but,  of  course,  young  HOWARD 
insisted  so  urgently  on  physical  dangers  to  my- 
self if  I  delayed,  that  I  hastened  stealthily  to  my 
room  by  a  backstair,  and  flinging  my  parapher- 
nalia with  incredible  despatch  into  a  portmanteau, 
was  so  fortunate  as  to  convey  it  out  of  the  house 
without  attracting  the  invidious  attention  of  my 
host  and  hostess,  who  were  probably  still  occupied 
in  foaming  and  rolling  upon  the  carpet  like  angry 
waves  of  the  sea. 

Young  Howard  accompanied  me  to  the 
station,  though  blaming  me  as  the  cause  of  his 
embroilment  with  his  progenitors,  who,  it  seems, 


BABOO  CHUCKERBUTTY   RAM. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  221 

had  insisted — quite  unjustly — that  he  must  have 
known  from  the  first  that  my  nobility  was  merely 
a  brevet  rank  ;  and  Miss  Wee-Wee  bade  me 
farewell  with  a  soft  and  perfectly  ladylike 
cordiality,  being  too  grieved  by  my  departure 
to  make  any  allusion  to  the  head  and  front  of 
my  offending. 

Now  I  am  once  more  in  London,  paying 
daily  visits  of  several  hours  to  the  office  of  my 
solicitor,  in  order  to  assist  him  in  the  preparation 
of  my  brief. 

The  other  day.  Baboo  Jalpanybiioy  and 
Baboo  Chuckerbutty  Ram  attended  for  the 
purpose  of  arranging  their  evidence,  when  I 
regret  to  say  the  former  made  a  rather  paltry 
exhibition  of  himself,  being  declared  by  Mr 
Smartle  himself  to  be  totally  incompetent  to 
prove  anything  whatever  material  to  the  case, 
and  I  am  therefore  resolved  to  refuse  him  admis- 
sion to  the  witness-box. 

I  am  more  hopeful  of  Mr  CHUCKERBUTTY 
Ram,  who,  I  think,  after  diligent  coaching  from 
myself,  may  be  induced  to  restrain  his  natural 
garrulity,  and  speak  no  more  than  is  set  down 
for  him,  which  is  simply  that  I  have  already, 
in  his  presence,  contracted  matrimony  with  a 
juvenile  native,  and  that  the  laws  of  my  country 
entitle  me  to  marry  several  more. 

This  is  in  support  of  one  of  my  most  subtle 
pleadings  of  defence,  to  wit,  that  I  have  already 
offered  to  marry  the  plaintiff  according  to  my 


2  22      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

country's  laws,  but  that  she  did  definitely 
decline  such  a  marriage  as  polygamous  (which 
it  is  indubitably  liable  to  become  at  any 
moment),  consequently,  that  my  said  contract 
is  nilled  by  mutual  consent. 

Mr  Smartle  was  of  the  opinion  that  the 
plaintiff's  solicitors  would  move  to  strike  out 
such  a  pleading  as  bad  in  law,  since  it  is  no 
defence  to  an  action  for  breach  of  promise  that 
the  defendant  is  already  the  Benedick.  Fortu- 
nately they  have  omitted  to  do  this,  and  I 
anticipate  exciting  excessive  admiration  in 
Court  by  the  ingenuity  of  my  arguments  from 
Analogy,  Common  Sense,  Roman  Law,  &c. 

My  said  solicitor  has  also  communicated  with 
Hon'ble  Sir  Chetwynd  Cummerbund,  to 
inquire  if  he  would  consent  to  appear  as  a 
witness  to  my  dependent  filial  condition,  and 
entire  lack  of  the  sinews  of  war;  which,  with 
fatherly  kindness,  he  has  agreed  to  do,  and, 
as  he  rather  humorously  puts  it,  convince 
the  jury  that  I  am  the  good  riddance  of  bad 
rubbish. 

Now  the  decks  are  cleaned  for  action,  and  all 
is  ready  for  the  forensic  logomachy  as  soon  as  it 
may  please  Providence  and  some  associate  in  the 
Queen's  Bench  Division  to  place  the  suit  of 
Mankletow  v.  Jabberjee  in  the  list  of  causes  for 
the  day. 

My  solicitor's  advice,  which  I  shall  very 
probably    adopt,  is    to   keep    as    close    as    pos- 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  223 

sible  to  the  issues,  and  more  especially  to  the 
point  that,  if  I  gave  any  promise  to  marry 
at  all,  it  was  extorted  from  me  by  threats  of 
bodily  violence  which  reduced  me  to  a  blue 
funkiness. 

Also  he  recommends  that  I  am  not  to  attempt 
any  golden-mouthed  eloquence,  thereby  making 
the  lamentable  exhibit  of  a  most  stupendous 
ignorance  of  human  nature ! 

For  what  can  melt  the  stony  hearts  of  men, 
causing  them  to  bellow  like  an  ox  and  become 
tender  as  chickens,  or  what  can  rouse  them  to 
Indignation,  Approval,  Contempt,  Wonderment, 
and  every  other  known  sentiment  as  required, 
so  effectively  as  the  trumpeting  tongue  of 
oratorical  eloquence ! 

All  I  can  aver  is  that,  if  I  am  not  to  be  per- 
mitted to  draw  the  glittering  sword  of  my  tongue 
from  the  scabbard  of  my  mouth,  I  shall  infallibly, 
in  sheer  sickishness  at  such  short-sighted  folly, 
throw  up  my  brief ! 

I  must  not  omit  to  say  that  if  any  of  my 
fellow-colleagues  on  this  periodical  (of  course 
including  Hon'ble  Editor)  should  be  anxious 
to  become  eye-witnesses  of  my  forensic  dibut^ 
I  shall  be  overjoyed  to  procure  their  admis- 
sion and  will  instruct  the  Usher  that  they 
are  to  be  awarded  the  seats  of  honour.  Per- 
haps it  might  even  be  feasible  for  two  or 
three  of  them  to  obtain  appointments  as  jury- 
men. 


224      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

If  so,  let  them  not  turn  the  deaf  ear  to  the 
gentle  wheezings  of  their  esprit  de  corps,  but 
remember  that  it  is  not  the  custom  for  one 
eagle  to  peck  another  in  his  optics. 


Mankletow  v.Jabberjce.  Notes 

taken  by  Mr  Jabber jee  in  Court  yC  X^  V 1 1 1 

during  the  proceedings. 

Queen's  Bench  Court,  No. — .      10.20  A.M. 

The  eventful  morn  of  my  trial  for  Breach  of 
Promise  has  at  length  arrived,  and  I  am  re- 
solved to  jot  down  on  the  exterior  of  my  brief 
such  tittles  as  take  place.  I  have  taken  my  seat 
in  Court  on  one  of  the  benches  reserved  for 
long-robed  juniors  ;  in  my  immediate  rear  being 
my  solicitor,  Sidney  Smartle,  Esq.,  who  will 
officiate  as  my  Remembrancer  and  Friend  in 
Need. 

In  the  Great  Hall  below  I  had  the  pleasure 
to  encounter  Miss  JESSIMINA  and  that  worthy 
Madam  her  Mamma,  being  prepared  to  greet 
them  with  effijsive  kindness,  and  assure  them  I 
was  only  a  hostile  in  my  professional  capacity. 
Whether  they  were  struck  with  awe  by  the  un- 
accustomed majesty  of  my  appearance  in  brand- 
new  wig,  bands,  &c.,  in  which  I  am  fresh  as  a 
daisy,  and  fine  as  a  carrot  fresh  scraped,  or 
whether  they  simply  did  not  recognise  me  in 
the  disguisement  of  such  toggeries,  I  am  not  to 
decide — but  they  passed  by  without  responding 
visibly  to  my  salutations. 


2  26      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

10.25. — A  stout,  large  Q.C.,  with  luxuriant 
cheek  -  whiskers  has  just  entered  the  row  in 
front.  Mister  Smartle  whispers  to  me  that  this 
is  WiTHERiNGTON,  whom  I  refused  to  engage, 
and  who  is  now  in  opposition. 

I  have  taken  the  undue  liberty  to  pluck  him 
by  the  sleeve  and  introduce  myself  in  straight- 
forward English  style  to  his  honourable  notice, 
acquainting  him  that  his  unfortunate  client  had 
a  very  flimsy  case,  and  was  not  deserving  of 
success,  while  myself  was  a  meritorious  Native 
Neophyte,  whose  entire  fortune  was  impaled  on 
a  stake,  and  urging  him  not  to  show  too  windy 
a  temper  to  such  a  shorn  lamb  as  his  petitioner. 

However,  he  has  declined  rather  peremptorily 
to  lend  me  his  ears,  nor  can  I  induce  his  learned 
junior,  who  is  my  next  neighbour,  to  show  me 
any  fraternal  kindness.  My  said  solicitor  is 
highly  indignant  at  my  treatment,  and  warns 
me  in  an  undertone  that  I  am  not  to  make  any 
further  overtures  to  such  stuck-up  individuals. 

10.30. — Hon'ble  Mister  Justice  HONEYGALL 
enters  in  highly  dignified  fashion.  He  is  of  a 
bland,  benignant,  and  intensely  clean  aspect, 
which  uplifts  my  downfallen  heart,  for  it  is 
obvious,  from  his  benevolent  and  smiling  bow 
to  myself  that  he  already  feels  a  paternal  interest 
in  my  achieving  the  conquest  of  my  spurs. 

The  jury  are  taking  the  oath.  Whether  any 
of  my  co-contributors  to  Punch  are  among  them 
I  cannot  discover,  since  they  do  not  vouchsafe 


'FRESH   AS    A    DAISY,    AND   FINE    AS    A    CARROT   FRESH   SCRAPED.' 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  229 

to  encourage  me  by  the  freemasonry  of  even  a 
surreptitious  simper.  But  this  is  perhaps  occa- 
sioned by  over  prudence. 

The  learned  junior  on  my  right  has  risen, 
and  in  shockingly  bald  and  barren  verbiage  has 
stated  the  issues  which  are  to  be  tried,  and, 
being  evidently  no  Heaven-bom  orator,  sits 
abruptly  down,  completely  gravelled  for  lack 
of  a  more  copious  vocabulary.  A  poor  tongue- 
tied  devil  of  a  chap  whom  I  regard  with  pity ! 

WiTHERlNGTON,  Q.C.,  is  addressing  the  jury. 
He  is  not  a  tongue-tied,  but  he  speaks  in  a 
colloquial,  commonplace  sort  of  fashion  which 
does  not  shed  a  very  brilliant  lustre  upon 
boasted   British  advocacy. 

Though  of  an  unromantic  obesity,  it  appears 
from  the  excessive  eulogies  he  lavishes  upon 
Jessimina  that  he  is  already  the  tangled  fly  in 
the  web  of  her  feminine  enchantments.  What 
a  pity  that  such  a  prominent  barrister  should  be 
so  unskilled  in  seeing  through  such  a  millstone 
as  the  female  heart ! 

He  is  persisting  in  making  most  incorrect  and 
uncomplimentary  allusions  to  my  undeserving 
self,  which  it  is  impossible  that  I  am  to  suffer 
without  rising  to  repudiate  with  voluble  indigna- 
tion !  However,  though  he  makes  bitter  com- 
plaints of  my  interruptions,  he  does  me  the 
honour  to  refer  to  me  as  his  friend,  for  which  I 
thank  him  with  a  gratified  fervour,  assuring  him 
that  I  reciprocate  his  esteem. 
13 


230     BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

Hon'ble  Judge  has  just  tendered  me  the 
kindly  and  golden  advice  that,  unless  I  sit 
down  and  remain  hermetically  sealed,  the  case 
will  infallibly  continue  for  ever  and  anon,  and 
that  I  am  not  to  advance  my  interests  by  dis- 
regarding the  customary  etiquettes  of  the  Bar. 

1 1. 5. — Jessimina  is  giving  her  testimony. 
Indubitably  she  has  greatly  improved  in  her 
physical  appearance  since  I  was  a  resident  of 
Porticobello  House,  and  her  habiliments  are  as 
fashionably  ladylike  (if  not  more  so)  than  Miss 
Wee-Wee's  own  !  Alack  !  that  she  should  re- 
late her  story  with  so  many  departures  from 
ordinary  veracity.  Her  pulchritude  and  well- 
assumed  timidity  have  captivated  even  the  senile 
Judge,  for,  after  I  have  risen  and  vehemently 
contradicted  her  in  various  unimportant  details, 
he  has  actually  barked  at  me  that,  unless  I  wait 
until  it  is  my  turn  to  cross-examine  he  will 
take  some  very  severe  measure  with  me  at  the 
rising  of  the  Court !  A  pretty  specimen  of 
judicial  impartiality  ! 

1.30  P.M. — The  Court  has  risen  for  lunch  at 
the  conclusion  of  a  rather  severe  cross-examina- 
tion by  myself  of  the  fair  plaintiff,  and,  not  being 
oppressed  by  pangs  of  hunger,  I  have  leisure  to 
record  the  result — which,  owing  to  the  partisan- 
ship of  Hon'ble  Bench,  the  disgracefully  com- 
plicated state  of  the  laws  of  Evidence,  and 
Miss  Jessimina'S  ingenuity  in  returning  entirely 
wrong  answers  to  my  searching  interrogatories, 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  231 

did  not  attain  to  the  sanguine  level  of  my 
expectations. 

For  instance,  when  I  asked  her  whether  it 
was  not  the  fact  that  I  was  notoriously  deficient 
in  physical  courageousness,  she  made  the  unex- 
pected reply  that  she  had  not  observed  it,  and 
that  I  had  frequently  described  to  her  my 
daring  achievements  in  sticking  wild  pigs  and 
shooting  man-eating  tigers. 

Also  she  entirely  refused  to  admit  that  the 
turquoise  and  gold  ring  I  had  given  her  was 
not  in  token  of  our  betrothal,  but  merely  to 
compensate  her  for  not  being  invited  as  well  as 
myself  to  a  certain  fashionable  dinner-party  ; 
and  the  Judge  (interrupting  in  the  most  un- 
warrantable manner)  said  that,  as  he  did  not 
understand  that  I  seriously  denied  the  exist- 
ence of  an  engagement  to  marry,  he  was  unable 
to  perceive  the  bearings  of  my  query. 

Again,  I  reminded  her  of  her  mention  of  the 
gift  of  a  china  model  of  Poet  Shakspeare'S 
birthplace,  and  required  her — on  her  oath — to 
answer  whether  it  had  not  been  originally  in- 
tended for  another  lady,  and  whether,  having 
accidentally  seated  myself  upon  it,  I  had  not 
decided  to  bestow  the  disjecta  membra  upon 
herself  instead. 

To  which  she  replied,  with  artfully  simulated 
emotion,  that  all  she  knew  was  that  I  had  assured 
her  at  the  time  that  the  said  piece  of  china 
had  been  expressly  purchased  for  herself   as  a 


232      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

souvenir  of  my  ardent  affection,  and  she  had 
accepted  it  as  such,  and  carefully  restored  it 
with  some  patent  cement. 

Before  this  the  Judge  had  asked  me  how  I 
could  expect  the  plaintiff  to  know  what  was 
passing  in  the  tortuous  recesses  of  my  own  mind, 
and  informed  her  that  she  need  not  answer  such 
a  ridiculous  question  unless  she  pleased.  But 
she  did  please,  and  her  answer  was  received  with 
applause,  which,  however,  the  Bench  perceiving, 
though  tardily,  that  I  was  entitled  to  some  pro- 
tection, did  declare  in  angry  tones  that  it  was  on 
no  account  to  be  permitted. 

Next  I  inquired  whether  it  was  not  true  that 
she  was  of  a  flirtatious  disposition,  and  addicted 
to  laugh  and  talk  vivaciously  with  the  gentlemen- 
boarders,  and  whether  I  had  not  earnestly  re- 
monstrated with  her  upon  such  conduct.  Here 
WiTHERlNGTON,  Q.C.,  bounded  on  to  his  feet, 
and  protested  that  I  was  not  entitled  to  put  this 
question  now,  since  I  had  not  dared  to  allege 
in  my  letters  or  pleadings  that  I  had  breached 
my  promise  owing  to  any  misconduct  of  plaintiff. 
But,  instead  of  submitting  to  such  objection, 
Jessimina  answered  in  mellifluous  accents  that 
she  had  never  manifested  more  than  ordinary 
civility  towards  any  gentleman-boarder,  but  that 
I  had  displayed  passionate  jealousy  of  them  all 
prior  to  my  engagement — though  never  since, 
because  she  had  never  afforded  the  slightest 
excuse  for  remonstrances. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  2^3 

Whereupon  she  was  again  flooded  with  tears, 
which  stirred  my  heart  with  tender  commisera- 
tion ;  for  her  maidenly  distress  did  only  increase 
her  charms  to  infinity.  And  the  Judge,  feeling 
fatherly  sympathy  for  myself,  observed  very 
kindly  that  I  had  got  my  answer,  which  he 
hoped  might  do  me  much  good.  For  which 
good  wish  I  thanked  him  gratefully ;  and  the 
Court  was  again  dissolved  in  senseless  cachinna- 
tions ! 

Next  I  cross-questioned  her  as  to  her  refusal 
of  my  offer  to  marry  on  the  ground  that  I  was 
already  the  husband  of  one  infant  wife,  and 
whether  it  was  not  the  fact.  She  responded 
that  I  had  referred  her  to  Mr  Chuckerbutty 
Ram  for  corroboration  of  my  story,  and  that 
he  had  informed  her  that  my  said  wife  was  a 
post  mortem. 

Here  I  cleverly  took  the  legal  objection  that 
what  Mr  Ram  said  was  not  evidence,  and  warned 
her  to  be  careful,  while  the  Hon'ble  Judge  partly 
upheld  my  contention,  remarking  that  it  was 
evidence  that  a  conversation  was  held,  but  not 
of  the  truth  of  the  facts  stated  in  such  conver- 
sation, thereby  showing  clearly  that  he  did  not 
credit  her  story. 

Upon  the  whole,  I  am  confident  that  I  have 
at  least  silenced  the  guns  of  WiTHERlNGTON, 
Q.C.,  for  upon  the  conclusion  of  my  cross-ex- 
amination, he  admitted  that  he  had  no  further 
questions  to  ask  the  plaintiff. 


234      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

My  solicitor  says  I  shall  have  to  buck  myself 
up  if  I  am  to  reduce  the  damages  to  any  reason- 
able amount,  and  that  he  had  been  desirous  from 
the  first  to  brief  WiTHERlNGTON.  But  this  is 
to  croak  like  a  raven,  for  the  cross-examining 
is,  after  all,  of  very  minor  importance  compared 
to  the  Gift  of  the  Gab — in  which  I  am  notori- 
ously nulli  secundus. 

2.1  5  P.M.-^The  Court  has  returned.  WlTHER- 
INGTON's  Junior  has  called  Jessimina's  mother, 
whom  I  shall  presently  have  the  bounden  but 
rather  painful  duty  to  cross-examine  sharply. 

Already  I  experience  serious  sinkings  in 
stomach  department  Sursutn  cordal  I  must 
buck  it  up. 


Further  proceedings   in    the 
Case  of  Mankletow  v.  Jabber-  ^  X^  T  ^ 

jee.    Mr  Jabber jee^s  Opening 
for  the  Defence. 

Queen's  Bench  Court,  No. — ,  2.40  P.M. 

I  HAVE  just  resumed  my  seat  after  a  rather 
searching  examination  of  Madam  MANKLETOW, 
as  will  appear  from  the  notes  of  her  evidence 
kindly  taken  by  my  solicitor  : — 

My  Solicitor's  said  Notes. 

Mrs  Martha  Mankletow  {formidable  old 
party — all  bugles  and  bombazine).  Would  cer- 
tainly describe  her  establishment  as  '  select ' ;  all 
of  her  male  boarders  perfect  gentlemen — except 
defendant.  Was  never  anxious  to  secure  him 
for  her  daughter — on  the  contrary,  would  have 
much  preferred  her  son-in-law  white.  Gave  her 
consent  because  of  the  passionate  attachment  he 
professed  for  plaintiff.  Nothing  to  her  whether 
he  was  of  princely  rank  or  not.  He  appeared 
to  be  very  well  able  to  support  her  daughter, 
which  was  the  chief  thing.  Had  never 
threatened  defendant  with  personal  chastisement 
from  other  boarders  if  he  denied  any  engage- 
ment.    Did  say  that  if  he  meant  nothing  serious 

ass 


236      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

after  all  the  marked  attentions  he  had  paid  the 
plaintiff,  he  deserved  to  be  cut  dead  by  all  the 
gentlemen  in  the  house.  Insisted  on  .  the 
engagement  being  made  public  at  once  ;  thought 
it  her  bounden  duty  to  do  so.  Did  not  know 
whether  defendant  was  married  already,  or  how 
many  wives  he  was  entitled  to  in  his  own 
country — he  had  taken  good  care  not  to  say 
anything  about  all  that  when  he  proposed.  Did 
not  consider  him  a  desirable  match,  and  never 
had  done,  but  thought  he  ought  to  be  made  to 
pay  heavily  for  his  heartless  behaviour  to  her 
poor  unprotected  child,  who  would  never  get 
over  the  slight  of  being  jilted  by  a  black 
man 

Here  I  sat  down,  amidst  suppressed  murmurs 
from  the  Court  of  indignation  and  sympathy  at 
such  gross  unmannerly  insults  to  a  highly 
educated  Indian  University  man  and  qualified 
native  barrister. 

3.15. — More  witnesses  for  plaintiff,  viz.,  Miss 
Spink  and  sundry  select  boarders,  who  have 
testified  to  my  courtship  and  the  notoriety  of 
my  engagement.  Seeing  that  they  were  pre- 
determined not  to  answer  favourably  to  myself, 
I  tore  a  leaf  out  of  Mister  Witherington's 
book,  and  said  that  I  had  no  questions  to  ask. 
.  .  .  The  plaintiff's  junior  has  just  sat  down, 
with  the  announcement  that  that  is  his  case.  I 
am  now  to  turn  the  tables  by  dint  of  rhetorical 
loquacity. 


MK  JUSTICE   HONEYGALL. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  239 

The  annexed  report,  though  sadly  meagre 
and  doing  very  scanty  justice  to  the  occasion,  is 
furnished  by  my  friend  young  HOWARD,  who 
was  present  in  Court  at  the  time 

Jab.  {in  a  kind  of  sing-song).  May  it  please 
your  venerable  lordship  and  respectable  gentle- 
men of  the  jury,  I  am  in  the  very  similar 
predicament  of  another  celebrated  native  gentle- 
man and  well-known  character  in  the  dramatic 
works  of  your  immortal  litterateur  Poet  Shak- 
SPEARE.  I  allude  to  Othello  on  the  occasion 
of  his  pleading  before  the  Duke  and  other 
potent,  grave,  and  reverent  signiors  of  Venice,  in 
a  speech  which  I  shall  commence  by  quoting  in 
full 

Mr  Justice  Honeygall.  One  moment,  Mr 
Jabberjee,  I  am  always  reluctant  to  interfere 
with  Counsel,  but  it  may  save  my  time  and  that 
of  the  jury  if  I  remind  you  that  the  illustration 
you  propose  to  give  us  is  hardly  as  happy  as  it 
might  be.  The  head  and  front  of  Othello's 
offending,  unless  I  am  mistaken,  was  that  he 
had  married  the  lady  of  his  affections,  whereas 
in  your  case 

Jab.  {plaintively).  Your  lordship,  it  is  not 
humanly  possible  that  I  can  exhibit  even 
ordinary  eloquence  if  I  am  to  be  interrupted  by 
far-fetched  and  frivolous  objections.  The  story 
of  Othello 

Mr  Justice  H.  What  the  jury  want  to  hear  is 
not  Othello's  story,  but  yours,  Sir,  and  your 


240      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

proper  course  is  to  go  into  the  witness-box  at 
once,  and  give  your  version  of  the  facts  as 
simply  and  straightforwardly  as  you  can.  When 
you  have  given  your  own  evidence  and  called 
any  witnesses  you  may  wish  to  call,  you  will 
have  an  opportunity  of  addressing  the  jury,  and 
exhibiting  the  eloquence  on  which  you  appar- 
ently place  so  much  reliance. 

[Here  poor  old  Jab  bundles  off  to  the  witness- 
box,  and  takes  some  outlandish  oath  or 
other  with  immense  gusto,  after  which  he 
starts  telling  the  Jury  a  long  rambling 
rigmarole,  and  is  awfully  riled  when  the 
old  Judge  pulls  him  up,  which  he  does 
about  every  other  minute.  This  is  the 
sort  of  thing  that  goes  on  : — 

Jab.  At  this.  Misters  of  the  Jury,  I,  being 
but     a     pusillanimous     and     no     Leviathan     of 

valour 

The  Judge.  Not  so  fast,  Sir,  not  so  fast. 
Follow  my  pen.  I've  not  got  down  half  what 
you  said  before  that.  {Reads  laboriously  from 
his  notes.")  "  In  panicstricken  apprehension  of 
being  severely  assaulted  d  posteriori."  Who  do 
you  say  threatened  to  assault  you  in  that 
manner — the  plaintiffs  mother  ? 

fab.  I  have  already  had  the  honour  to  inform 
your  lordship  that  I  was  utterly  intimidated  by 
the  savage  threats  of  the  plaintiffs  mother  that. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  241 

unless  I  consented  to  become  the  betrothed, 
she  would  summon  certain  able-bodied  athletic 
boarders  to  -batter  and  kick  my  unprotected 
person,  and  consequently,  not  being  a  Levi- 
athan  

The  Judge.  No  one  has  ever  suggested  that 
you  are  an  animal  of  that  description,  Sir. 
Have  the  goodness  to  keep  to  the  point.  {Reads 
as  he  writes?)  "  I  was  so  intimidated  by  threats 
of  plaintiffs  mother  that  she  would  have  me 
severely  kicked  by  third  parties  if  I  refused, 
that  I  consented  to  become  engaged  to  plaintiff." 
Is  that  what  you  say  ? 

Jab.  {beaming).  Your  lordship's  acute  intellect 
has  comprehended  ray  pons  asinorum  with  great 
intelligence. 

The  Judge  {looking  at  hitn  under  his  spectacles^ 
Umph  !     Well,  go  on.     What  next  ? 

\So  old  Jab  goes  on  gassing  away^  at  such  a 
deuce  of  a  rate  that  the  Judge  gives  up  all 
idea  of  taking  notes,  and  sits  staring  at 
Jab  in  resigned  disgust.  {It  was  spell- 
bound attentiveness. — H.  B.  J.)  Jab  will 
spout  and  WON'T  keep  to  the  point ;  but, 
all  the  same,  I  fancy,  somehow,  he's  getting 
round  the  Jury.  He's  such  a  jolly  inno- 
cent kind  of  old  ass,  and  they  like  him 
because  he's  no  end  of  spoj't.  The 
plaintiff's  a  devilish  fine  girl,  and  gave 
her  evidence  uncomtnonly  well ;  buty  unless 


242      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

WiTHERlNGTON  tums  up  again,  I  believe 
old  Jab  will  romp  in  a  winner,  after  all  I 
I  haven't  taken  down  anything  else,  except 
his  wind-up,  when  of  course  tie  managed 
to  get  in  a  speech. 

Jab.  Believe  me,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  this 
is  simply  the  barefaced  attempt  to  bleed  and 
mulct  a  poor  impecunious  Indian,  For  it  is 
incredible  that  any  English  female,  of  genteel 
upbringings  and  the  lovely  and  beauteous 
appearance  which  you  have  all  beheld  in  this 
box,  it  is  incredible,  I  say,  that  she  should  seri- 
ously desire  to  become  a  mere  unconsidered  unit 
in  a  bevy  of  Indian  brides  !  How  is  she  possibly 
to  endure  a  domestic  existence  exposed  to  the 
slings  and  arrows  of  a  perpetual  gorilla  warfare 
from  various  native  aunts  and  sisters-in-law,  or 
how  is  she  to  reconcile  her  dainty  and  fastidious 
stomach,  after  the  luscious  and  appetising  fare  of 
a  Bayswater  boarding-house,  to  simple,  unosten- 
tatious, and  frequently  repulsive  Indian  eatables? 
No,  Misters  of  the  jury,  as  warm-hearted  noble- 
minded  English  gentlemen,  you  will  never 
condemn  an  unfortunate  and  industrious  native 
graduate  and  barrister  to  make  a  cripple  of  his 
career,  and  burden  his  friends  and  his  families 
with  such  a  bone  of  contention  as  a  European 
better  half,  who  will  infallibly  plunge  him  into 
the  pretty  pickle  of  innumerable  family  jars  !  I 
shall  now  vacate  the  witness-box  in  favour  of  my 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  243 

intimate  friend  and  fatherly  benefactor,  Hon'ble 
Sir  Chetwynd  Cummerbund,  who  will  tell 
you 

The  Judge  {rising).  Before  we  have  the 
pleasure  of  seeing  Sir  Chetwynd  here,  Mr 
Jabberjee,  there  is  a  little  formality  you 
appear  to  have  overlooked.  The  plaintiff's 
counsel  will  probably  wish  before  you  leave 
the  box  to  put  a  few  questions  to  you  in 
cross-examination,  and  that  must  stand  over 
till  to-morrow.  {At  this,  old  Jab's  jaw  Jails 
several  holes ^ 

Note  by  Mr  Jabberjee. — Herejord  Road, 
Bayswater. — I  am  excessively  gratified  by  the 
result  of  my  first  day's  trial,  being  already  the 
established  favourite  and  chartered  libertine  of 
the  whole  Court,  who  split  their  sides  at  my 
slightest  utterances.  So  I  am  no  longer  im- 
measurably alarmed  by  the  prospect  of  being 
crossly  examined — especially  since  WiTHERlNG- 
TON,  Q.C.,  has  abandoned  his  brief  in  despair  to 
a  tongue-tied  junior,  who  is  incompetent  to 
exclaim  Bo !  to  a  goose.  Indeed,  I  have  some 
thoughts  of  declining  haughtily  to  be  interrogated 
by  a  mere  underling. 

The  only  fly  in  the  ointment  of  my  success  is 
the  utter  indifference  of  JESSIMINA  to  my  afore- 
said triumphs.  At  the  termination  of  the 
hearing  to-day,  I  beheld  her  so  deeply  engrossed 
in  smiling  and  cordial  converse  with  the  smartly- 
attired     curly-headed     young     solicitor     who    is 


244      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

acting  on  her   behalf  that  she  was  totally  un- 
conscious of  my  vicinity ! 

Alackaday  !      varium     et     mutabile     semper 
foemina  ! 


Mankletow  v.  Jabber jee  {part 
heard.")  Mr  Jabber  jee  finds 
cross-examination    much   less  XXX 

formidable  than  he  had  anti- 
cipated. 


It  is  now  the  second  day  of  my  celebrated 
case,  which  is  such  a  transcendental  success 
that  already  the  Court  is  tight  as  a  drum,  while 
a  vast  disappointed  crowd  is  barricading  implor- 
ingly at  the  doors ! 

I  was  about  to  harangue  these  unfortunates, 
assuring  them  I  was  .not  responsible  for  their 
exclusion,  and  promising  to  exert  my  utmost 
influence  with  the  Hon'ble  Judge  that  they  were 
all  to  be  admitted. 

But  my  solicitor,  seizing  me  by  the  forearm, 
hurried  me  through  the  entrance  with  the  friendly 
recommendation  that  I  was  not  to  be  the  bally- 
fool. 

In  the  trough  I  perceive  JESSIMINA  seated,  in 
a  hat  even  more  resplendently  becoming  than 
her  yesterday  head-dress,  and  I  am  not  a  little 
puffed  with  pride  to  be  proceeded  against  by  a 
plaintiff  of  such  a  stylish  and  elegant  appearance. 

10.25  A.M. — After  all,  WiTHERINGTON,  Q.C., 
has  paid  me  the  marked  compliment  of  turning 


246      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

up  to  personally  conduct  my  cross-examination. 
At  which  Smartle,  Esq.,  becomes  lugubrious, 
averring  that  he  is  capable  of  turning  my 
inside  out  in  no  time  unless  I  am  preciously 
careful.  But,  knowing  that  such  inhuman  bar- 
barities are  not  feasible  in  civilised  regions,  I 
enter  the  box  with  a  serene  and  smiling  counten- 
ance. .  .  . 

Later.  —  I  am  unspeakably  delighted  with 
the  urbanity  (on  the  whole)  with  which  I  have 
been  cross-examined.  For,  to  my  wonderment, 
WiTHERlNGTON,  Q.C.,  commenced  with  display- 
ing a  respectful  and  sympathetic  interest  in  my 
career,  &c.,  which  rendered  me  completely  at  my 
ease,  and  though  on  occasions  he  did  suddenly 
manifest  inquisitorial  severity,  I  soon  discovered 
that  his  anger  was  mere  wind  from  a  tea-pot, 
and  that  he  was  in  secret  highly  gratified  by  the 
nature  of  my  replies.  And  for  the  most  part 
he  had  the  great  condescension  to  treat  me  with 
a  kind  and  facetious  familiarity. 

I  had  privately  commissioned  a  shorthanded 
acquaintance  of  mine  with  instructions  to  take 
down  nothing  but  my  answers,  but  with  incon- 
ceivable doltishness  he  has  done  the  exact  con- 
verse, and  transcribed  merely  the  utterances  of 
Mister  Witherington  !  However,  as  I  do 
not  accurately  recall  my  responses,  I  am  to 
insert  the  report  here  pro  tanto,  trusting  to  the 
ingenuity  of  the  public  to  read  between  the 
lines. 


VVITHEKINGTON,    Q.C. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  249 

Here  Follows  the  Report. 

Mr  Witherington,  Q.C.  Well,  Mr  jABBERjEE, 
so  it  seems  that  it  is  all  a  mistake  about  your 
being  a  Prince,  eh  ?  .  .  .  .  And,  however  such 
an  idea  may  have  originated,  you  never  repre- 
sented yourself  as  a  Rajah,  or  anything  of  the 
kind  ?....!  was  sure  you  would  say  so.  You 
have  such  a  high  regard  for  truth,  and  such  a 
deep  sense  of  the  obligation  of  an  oath,  that  you 
are  incapable  of  a  deliberate  falsehood  at  any 
time  —  may  I  take  that  for  granted  ?  .  .  .  . 
Very  glad  to  hear  it.  And  of  course,  Mr 
Jabberjee,  it  was  no  fault  of  yours  if  people 
chose  to  assume,  from  a  certain  magnificence 
in  your  appearance  and  way  of  living  and  so 
on,  that  you  must  be  of  high  rank  in  your  own 
country?  ....  But,  though  you  don't  set  up 
to  be  a  Prince,  you  are,  I  believe,  a  recent 
acquisition  to  the  honourable  profession  of 
which  we  are  both  members  ?  .  .  .  .  And  also 
a  journalist  of  some  distinction,  are  you  not? 
....  Indeed  ?  I  congratulate  you — a  highly 
respectable  periodical.  And  no  doubt  the 
proprietors  have  shown  a  proper  appreciation 
of  the  value  of  your  services,  in  a  pecuniary 
sense?  ....  Really?  You  are  indeed  to  be 
envied,  Mr  Jabberjee  !  Not  many  young 
barristers  can  rely  upon  making  such  an  income 
by  their  pen  while  they  are  waiting  for  the  briefs 
to  come  in.  May  I  ask  if  you  intend  to  practice 
14 


250      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

in  this  country  ?  .  .  .  .  The  Calcutta  Bar,  eh  ? 
Then  I  suppose  you  can  count  upon  influence 
out  there?  ....  Your  father  a  Mooktear^  is 
he  ?  I'm  afraid  I  don't  know  what  that  is 
exactly.  ...  A  solicitor?  Now  I  understand. 
So  he  will  give  you  cases — in  which  I  am  sure 
you  will  distinguish  yourself.  But  you'll  have 
to  work  hard,  won't  you?  ....  I  thought  so. 
No  more  pig-sticking  or  tiger-shooting,  eh  ? 
....  That's  a  drawback,  isn't  it  ?  You're 
passionately  devoted  to  tiger-shooting,  aren't 
you  ?  Unless  I'm  mistaken,  you  first  won  the 
plaintiff's  admiration  by  the  vivid  manner  in 
which  you  described  your  "  moving  accidents 
by  flood  and  field " — another  parallel  between 
you  and  OTHELLO,  eh  ?  Well,  tell  me,  I'm  no 
sportsman  myself — but  it's  rather  a  thrilling 
moment,  isn't  it,  when  a  tiger  is  trying  to  climb 
up  your  elephant,  and  get  inside  the — what  do 
you  call  it — howlah  ? — oh,  Jiowdah^  to  be  sure  ; 
thank  you,  very  much.  ...  So  I  should  have 
imagined.  Still,  I  suppose,  when  you're  used  to 
it,  even  that  wouldn't  shake  your  nerve  to  any 
appreciable  extent  You  would  bowl  over  your 
tiger  at  close  quarters  without  turning  a  hair, 
would  you  not  ?  .  .  .  Just  so.  A  great  gift, 
presence  of  mind.  And  pig-sticking,  now — 
isn't  a  boar  rather  ?in  awkward  customer  to 
tackle  ?  .  .  .  .  "  You  never  found  him  so  "  ? 
But  suppose  you  miss  him  with  your  spear,  and 
he    charges    your    horse?  ....    Ah,    you're    a 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  251 

mighty  hunter,  Mr  Jabberjee,  I  perceive  ! 
Ever  shoot  any  elephants  ?  .  .  .  .  No  elephants  ? 
That's  a  pleasure  to  come,  then.  Now,  about 
your  relations  with  the  plaintiff  prior  to  your 
engagement  —  you  were  a  good  deal  in  her 
company,  weren't  you  ?.'...  Well,  you  con- 
stantly escorted  her  to  various  places  of  amuse- 
ment, come  ?  .  .  .  .  Yes,  yes  ;  I  am  quite  aware 
a  chaperon  was  always  present.  We  are  both 
agreed  that  my  client  has  acted  throughout  with 
the  most  scrupulous  propriety — but  you  liked 
being  in  her  society,  didn't  you  ?  .  .  .  .  Exactly 
so,  and,  at  that  time  at  all  events,  you  admired 
her  extremely  ?...."  Merely  as  a  friend,"  eh  ? 
no  idea  of  proposing  ?  Well,  just  tell  us  once 
more  how  it  was  you  came  to  engage  yourself. 
.  .  .  You  were  afraid  your  landlady  would 
summon  a  boarder  and  ask  him  to  give  you  a 
kicking?  ....  And  the  prospect  of  being 
kicked  terrified  you  to  such  an  extent  that  you 
were  willing  to  promise  anything — is  that  your 
story?  ....  But  you  are  a  man  of  iron  nerve, 
you  know,  you've  just  been  giving  us  a  descrip- 
tion of  your  performances  in  the  jungle.  How 
did  you  come  to  be  so  alarmed  by  a  boarder, 
when  the  attack  of  the  fiercest  tiger  or  wild  boar 
never  made  you  turn  a  hair  ?  .  .  .  .  But  that  is 
what  you  gave  us  to  understand  just  now,  wasn't 
it  ?  .  .  .  .  Then  do  you  tell  his  lordship  and  the 
jury  now  that,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  you  never  shot 
a  solitary  tiger  or  speared  a  single  boar  in  your 


252      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

life  ?  Why  didn't  you  say  so  at  once,  Sir.  .  .  . 
Do  you  consider  a  misrepresentation  of  that  kind 
a  mere  trifle  ?  ....  In  spite  of  the  fact  that  you 
have  solemnly  sworn  to  tell  the  truth,  the  whole 
truth  and  nothing  but  the  truth  ?  .  .  .  .  Very 
well,  Sir,  I  will  take  your  answer.  Now,  just 
look  at  this  letter  of  yours.  (Your  lordship  has 
a  copy  of  the  correspondence.  .  .  .  Yes,  it  is  all 
admitted,  my  lord.)  I'll  read  it  to  you.  {Reads 
it.)  Now,  Sir,  is  it  the  fact  that  you  ever  actually 
consulted  the  gentleman  who  enjoys  the  dis- 
tinction of  being  astrologer  to  your  family  upon 
your  marriage  with  the  plaintiff?  Be  careful 
what  you  say.  .  .  .  And  did  he  ever  forbid  you 
to  contract  such  an  alliance  ?  .  .  .  Then  was 
there  a  word  of  truth  in  all  that?  ....  I 
thought  as  much.  Let  me  read  you  another 
letter.  {He  reads?)  Here,  you  see,  you  make 
quite  another  excuse.  You  are  already  married, 
and  can  only  offer  the  plaintiff  the  position  of  a 
rival  wife,  or  " sateen"  as  you  call  it.  Have  you 
ever  contracted  an  infant  marriage  in  India? 
.  .  .  Oh,  that  is  true,  is  it  ?  But  why,  when 
you  were  paying  these  attentions  to  the  plaintiff, 
did  it  never  occur  to  you  to  mention  the  fact 
that  you  were  a  married  man  ?...."  You 
don't  know  ?  "  May  it  not  have  been  because 
you  were  a  widower?  Was  your  infant  wife 
alive  or  dead  when  you  wrote  this  letter  ?  .  .  .  . 
Then  why  did  you  write  of  her  as  if  she  were 
alive?  ....    I    quite    believe   that  —  but   why 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  2.5^ 

were  you  so  anxious  to  break  it  off  just  then  ? 
.  .  .  .  Well,  when  you  were  cross-examining 
the  plaintiff  you  asked  her  about  a  certain  china 
ornament  you  had  given  her,  which  seems  to 
have  been  originally  intended  for  another  young 
lady.  We  needn't  mention  her  name  here — but 
you  made  her  acquaintance  some  time  after  your 
engagement,  didn't  you  ?  .  .  .  .  And  since  you 
left  Porticobello  House,  you  have  seen  a  good 
deal  of  her,  eh  ?  .  .  .  .  You  were  a  great 
admirer  of  hers,  weren't  you  ?  .  .  .  .  I'm  not 
asking  you  whether  she  is  engaged  to  a  Scotch 
gentleman  at  the  present  moment — I'm  putting 
it  to  you  that,  at  the  time  you  were  writing 
these  letters  to  the  plaintiff,  you  had  already 
formed  the  conclusion  that  this  other  young 
lady    was    more     deserving    of    the    honour    of 

being     the     second     Mrs    jABBERjEE I 

am  not  suggesting  that  you  could  help  it — 
but  wasn't  it  so  ?  ....  Very  well — that  is 
all  I  have  to    ask  you    Mr   jABBERjEE.     You 

can  go 

I  must  not  omit  to  record  that  my  replies 
and  the  reading  of  my  letters  did  excite  frequent 
and  vociferous  merriment,  and  in  other  respects 
I  have  testified  so  exhaustively  that  my  solicitor 
informs  me  it  is  not  worth  a  candle  to  call  any 
further  witnesses — especially  as  Hon'ble  CUM- 
MERBUND has  intimated  that  he  prefers  to  blow 
unseen,  and  as  for  Baboo  Chuckerbutty  Ram, 
he,  it  seems,  has  of  course  been  seized  by  such 


254      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

violent  indisposition  that  he  was  compelled  to 
leave  the  Court.  • 

So  I  am  now  to  deliver  one  more  brief  oration, 
which  will  infallibly  secure  me  the  plerophory  of 
the  jury  and  exalt  my  head  to  the  skies  as  Cock 
of  the  Roost. 

Only  I  regret  that  Jessimina'S  visage  is  now 
completely  invisible  to  me,  being  obscured  by 
the  dimensions  of  her  hat,  also  that  she  should 
carry  on  such  protracted  confabulations  with 
her  curly-headed  professional  adviser — which  is 
surely  lacking  in  most  ordinary  respect  for 
myself  and  Hon'ble  Justice  HONEYGALL ! 


Mankletow  v.  Jabberjee  {con- 
tinued). The  Defendant  brings 
his  speech  to  a  S07newhat  un- 
expected conclusion^  and  Mr 
Witherington^  Q.C.,  addresses 
the  Jury  in  reply. 


XXXI 


My  aforesaid  shorthanded  acquaintance  has  very 
fortunately  preserved  the  literal  transcript  of  my 
concluding  oration,  which  will  afford  a  feeble 
idea  of  the  grandiloquence  of  my  loquacity. — 
H.  B.  J. 

Verbatim  Report  {unofficial). 

Baboo  Jab.  May  it  please  your  mighty  honour 
and  great  notorious  gentlemen  on  the  jury,  it 
must  present  a  strange  and  funny  appearance  to 
behold  a  young  Indian  B.A.,  provided  with  a 
big  education  and  the  locus  standi  of  barrister- 
at-law,  crawling  humbly  towards  your  footstools 
as  a  suppliant,  and  already  I  perceive  from  your 
benevolent  and  smirking  visages  that  your  hearts 
are  favourably  inclined  towards  your  unfortunate 
son,  and  that  you  are  too  deeply  imbued  with 
serpentine  wisdom  to  be  at  all  bamfoozled  by 
the  ad  captandum  charms  of  feminine  cajoleries. 
Indeed,  I  am  a  poor  penniless  chap,  if  not  almost 
completely  dead  for  want  of  funds,  and  if  I  had 


256      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

only  been  able  to  call  my  revered  and  fatherly 
benefactor,  Hon'ble  Sir  CUMMERBUND,  he  would 
infallibly  have  testified — 

The  Judge.  As  you  did  not  think  proper — 
no  doubt  for  excellent  reasons — to  put  Sir 
Chetwynd  in  the  box  when  you  could  have 
done  so,  Mr  JABBERJEE,  I  shall  most  certainly 
not  allow  you  to  make  any  comments  now  upon 
the  evidence  he  might  or  might  not  have  given. 

Baboo  J.  I  beg  to  knuckle  very  submissively 
to  your  lordship's  argument.  The  fact  is,  that 
the  said  Sir  CUMMERBUND,  on  hearing  my 
answers  when  I  was  acting  in  the  capacity  of  a 
harrowed  toad  under  my  friend  WiTHERlNG- 
TON's  cross-examination,  very  handsomely  stated 
that  I  had  left  nothing  for  him  to  say,  and 
begged  modestly  that  he  might  be  excused. 
But  indeed.  Misters,  I  occupy  but  a  very 
beggarly  apartment  in  this  Fools'  Hotel  of  a 
world,  and  it  is  the  moral  impossibility  for  me 
to  pay  any  damages  whatever !  Moreover,  it  is 
a  well-authenticated  fact  that  I  am  a  shocking 
coward,  and  was  induced  to  become  affianced  by 
haunting  apprehensions  of  receiving  a  succession 
of  severe  kicks.  For  how,  being  suddenly  put 
to  my  choice  between  being  barbarously  kicked 
and  punched  or  acquiring  a  spruce  and  blooming 
bride,  could  I  hesitate  for  a  moment  to  accept 
the  lesser  of  two  evils?  Nevertheless,  I  did 
remain  uninterruptedly  devoted  to  the  plaintiff 
for   many   weeks  —  until    I   encountered   a   still 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  257 

younger  and  more  bewitching  lady,  who  became 
the  Polar  Star  to  my  compass-like  heart.  But, 
lack-a-daisy,  Sirs  !  though  I  left  no  stones  un- 
turned to  be  off  with  my  Old  Love,  I  did  not 
get  on  very  fortunately  with  the  New,  seeing 
that  she  preferred  an  affluent  young  Scotch, 
whereby  I  am  reduced  to  shedding  tears  in 
silence  and  solicitude  between  two  stools  !  {Roars 
of  laughter.)  Misters,  like  the  frog  that  was 
being  lapidated  by  thoughtless  juveniles,  I  reply  : 
— "  for  you  it  may  be  facetious  ;  but  to  myself 
it  is  a  devilishly  serious  affair !  "  For,  after 
beholding  the  plaintiff  here  and  discovering  that 
she  had  advanced  rather  than  retrograded  in 
physical  attractiveness,  I  made  cordial  approaches 
to  her,  but  she  passed  me  by  with  a  supercili- 
ously exalted  nose !  Gentlemen,  it  is  a  terrific 
piece  of  humbug  for  her  to  allege  that  her  heart 
has  been  infernally  lacerated  by  my  unfaith- 
fulness, when,  at  this  very  moment,  instead  of 
lending  her  ears  to  my  brief  and  rambling 
oration,  she  is  entirely  engrossed  in  flirtatious 
converse  with  her  curlypated  juvenile  solicitor  ! 
{Sensation.) 

Witherington,  Q.C.  {rising).  My  lord,  I  really 
must  protest.  There  is  absolutely  no  justification 
for  the  defendant's  outrageous  insinuation.  I 
am  informed  by  Miss  ManKLETOW  that  she 
simply  asked  the  gentleman  sitting  next  to  her 
whether  he  had  seen  her  smelling-salts ! 

The  Judge.      I  fail  to  see,  Mr  JARBERJEE,  what 


258      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

advantage  you  can  hope  to  gain  by  these  highly 
irregular  digressions.  The  plaintiff  is  under  my 
immediate  observation,  and  I  have  seen  nothing 
in  her  conduct  during  the  trial  of  which  you 
have  the  smallest  right  to  complain. 

Bab.  J.  I  am  highly  satisfied  by  your  lord- 
ship's obiter  dictum.  Not  being  in  such  a  coign  of 
vantage  as  your  honour's  excellency,  I  was  mis- 
led by  the  propinquity  of  heads  viewed  from  the 
rear.  Now,  before  again  becoming  a  sedentar}', 
I  am  to  propose  a  decisive  test  of  plaintiffs 
bona  fides  in  desiring  my  insignificant  self  as  a 
spouse.  Herewith  I  beg  humbly  to  have  the 
honour  of  renewing  my  formal  proposal  of 
marriage,  and  moreover  will  pledge  myself  in 
most  solemn  and  business-like  style  never  on 
any  account,  whether  so  permitted  by  laws  of 
country  or  vice  versd,  to  take  to  myself  a  single 
additional  native  wife  in  her  lifetime.  This 
handsome  offer  is  genuine  and  without  prejudice, 
and  I  will  take  leave  to  remind  plaintiff,  in  the 
terms  of  a  rather  musty  adage,  that  she  is 
not  too  closely  to  inspect  the  mouth  of  such  a 
gifted  horse  as  myself.  {Great  laughter^  and 
some  sensation  in  Court  as  Jabberjee  sits 
down?) 

Witherington,  Q.C.  Your  lordship  will  see  that 
this — ah — rather  unforeseen  development  renders 
it  necessary  that  I  should  ascertain  the  plaintiffs 
views  before  proceeding  to  reply.  {The  Judge 
nods:   breathless    excitement    in   Court  while    the 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  259 

plaintiff's  solicitor  carries  on  an  animated  con- 
versation with  Mr  W.  in  undertones?) 

Witherington  {rising  once  more^.  Gentlemen, 
I  have,  as  it  was  my  duty  to  do,  consulted  the 
plaintiff  respecting  the  unusual  course  which  the 
defendant  has  thought  proper  to  take.  Her 
answer  to  his  proposal  is  the  answer  which  I  am 
sure  you  will  feel  is  the  only  possible  one  in  the 
circumstances.  (jAB.  beams?)  The  plaintiff, 
gentlemen,  has  undergone  the  severest  ordeal  a 
young  woman  of  delicacy  and  refinement  can  be 
called  upon  to  endure  ("  Hear,  hear  I  "from  jAB.), 
and  out  of  that  ordeal  I  think  you  will  all  agree 
she  has  come  absolutely  unscathed. 

I  need  hardly  say  that  she  is  incapable  now 
of  harbouring  any  unworthy  sentiments  of 
rancour  or  revenge.  (Jab.  beams  more  effulgently 
still.') 

But,  gentlemen,  there  are  some  injuries  which, 
as  you  know,  a  woman  may  find  herself  able  to 
excuse,  to  palliate,  even  to  condone  ;  but  which 
she  feels  nevertheless  must  operate  as  an  insuper- 
able and  impassable  barrier  between  herself  and 
the  individual  who  could  be  capable  of  them ! 
(Jab.'s  S7nile  becomes  a  trifle  less  assured?) 

After  the  disgraceful  and  unmanly  attempts 
the  defendant  has  made  to  evade  his  obligations; 
his  disingenuous  defences  ;  his  insulting  innu- 
endoes ;  after  the  deplorable  exhibition  he  has 
made  of  himself  in  that  box  ;  and  especially 
after  the  sombre  picture  he  himself  has  painted 


26o      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

of  the  domestic  future  he  has  to  offer  ;  after  all 
this,  I  ask  you,  gentlemen,  is  it  likely,  is  it 
possible,  is  it  even  conceivable  that  the  plaintiff 
can  retain  any  respect  or  affection  for  him,  or 
have  sufficient  courage  and  confidence  to  entrust 
her  happiness  to  such  hands  ?  (JAB.'S  face 
gradually   lengthens^ 

Once,  it  is  true,  under  the  glamour  of  her  own 
girlish  illusions,  she  was  ready  to  expatriate  her- 
self, to  endure  an  alien  existence,  and  strange 
manners  and  customs  for  his  beloved  sake ;  but 
now,  now  that  her  ideal  is  shattered,  her  dream 
dispelled, — now,  it  is  too  late !  Gentlemen,  my 
client's  answer  is — and  it  is  one  which  will  only 
command  your  increased  respect : — "  No.  He 
has  broken  my  heart,  undermined  my  belief  in 
human  nature,  cast  a  blight  upon  my  existence. 
(Miss  M.  sobs  audibly,  here,  and  jAB.  is  visibly 
affected^  Much  as  I  should  like  to  recover  my 
old  belief  in  him,  much  as  it  would  be  to  my 
worldly  advantage  to  marry  a  wealthy  Bengali 
barrister  with  talents  and  influence  which  are 
certain  to  lead  to  rapid  promotion  in  his  native 
land  (Jab.  bows,  and  then  shakes  his  head  in 
protest),  he  has  made  me  suffer  too  much,  I  can- 
not accept  him  now  !  " 

{The  learned  Counsel  then  dealt  exhaustively 
with  various  portions  of  the  case,  and  concluded 
thus.)  Well,  gentlemen,  1  shall  not  have  to 
trouble  you  with  many  further  remarks,  but  I 
will    just    say    this    before    I    sit    down  : — The 


"jabberjke's  face  gradually  lengthens." 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  263 

defendant  amongst  innumerable  other  ingenious 
excuses,  has  pleaded  for  your  indulgence  on  the 
score  of  poverty.  He  has  the  brazen  effrontery 
to  plead  poverty,  forsooth  !  after  complacently 
admitting,  in  that  box,  that  he  is  earning  at  this 
very  moment  an  income  by  his  pen  alone  that 
might  be  envied  by  many  a  hardworking  English 
journalist !  I  do  not  say  this  by  way  of  making 
any  reflection  upon  the  defendant ;  on  the 
contrary,  gentlemen,  I  consider  it  does  credit 
to  his  ability  and  enterprise.  (jAB.  bows  again?) 
But  at  the  same  time  it  disposes  effectually  of 
his  allegation  that  he  is  without  means,  and 
indeed,  leaving  his  literary  gains  entirely  out  of 
the  question,  it  must  have  been  obvious  from 
what  you  have  heard  and  seen  of  his  manner  of 
living  in  this  country  that  he  is  amply  provided 
with  pecuniary  resources.  Bearing  this  in  mind, 
gentlemen,  I  ask  you  to  mark  your  sense  of  his 
heartless  treatment  of  the  plaintiff,  and  the 
mental  and  social  injury  she  has  suffered  on  his 
account,  by  awarding  her  substantial  damages ; 
not,  I  need  scarcely  say,  in  any  spirit  of  vin- 
dictiveness,  but  as  some  compensation  (however 
inadequate)  for  all  she  has  gone  through,  and 
also  as  a  warning  to  other  ingratiating  but  un- 
principled Orientals  that  they  cannot  expect  to 
trifle  with  the  artless  affection  of  our  generous, 
warmhearted  English  maidens  without  paying — 
aye,  and  paying  dearly,  too  !  for  the  amusement. 
{tie  sits  down  amidst  applause?) 


264      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

Note  by  Mr  Jabberjee. — Hon'ble  Judge  is 
to  sum  up  after  lunch.  I  am  highly  pained  and 
disappointed  that  my  friend  WiTHERlNGTON 
should  have  shown  himself  a  perfidious,  and 
have  taken  the  liberty  as  he  quitted  the  Court 
to  murmur  the  plaintive  remonstrance  of  "  Et  tu, 
Brute  !  "  into  the  cavity  of  his  left  ear. 

My  solicitor,  Sidney  Smartle,  is  of  the 
opinion  that  my  case  is  looking  "  a  bit  rocky," 
but  that  much  will  depend  upon  how  the  Judge 
sums  up.  What  a  pity  that,  owing  to  judicial 
red-tapery,  I  am  prohibited  from  popping  in  upon 
him  at  lunch  and  importuning  him  to  pronounce 
a  decree  in  my  favour ! 


Containing  the  conclusion  of 
the  whole  matter,  and  {which 
many  Readers  will  receive  in 
a  spirit  of  chastened  resigna- 
tion) Mr  fabberjee^  s  final fare- 
ivell. 


XXXII 


Queen! s  Bench  Court,  No. — ,  2  P.M. 

Hon'ble  Justice  Honeygall  is  now  sum- 
ming-up, in  such  very  nice,  chatty,  confidential 
style  that  it  is  impossible  to  hear  one  half 
of  his  observations,  while  the  remainder  is 
totally  inaudible.  .  .  .  Nevertheless,  I  already 
gather  that  he  regards  the  affair  with  the  re- 
stricted narrowminded  view  that  it  is  simply  the 
question  of  damages.  .  .  .  He  appears  to  be 
now  discussing  whether  my  testimony  that  I  am 
of  such  excessive  natural  funkiness  as  to  be 
intimidated  by  a  few  threats  into  my  matri- 
monial engagement  is  humanly  credible.  ...  I 
cannot  at  all  comprehend  why,  at  his  frequent 
references  to  my  alleged  tiger-slaughters — which, 
with  shrewd  commonsense  sapience,  he  seems  to 
consider  mere  ideally  fabricated  fibs  and  fanciful 
yarns — the  whole  Court  should  be  so  convulsed 
with  unmeaning  merriment,  nor  why  so  stern  a 
Judge  does  not  make  any  attempt  to  check  such 
disorderly  interruptions.  .  .  , 

a«5 


266      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

So  far  as  my  imperfect  hearing  can  ascertain, 
he  has  been  instructing  the  jury  that  they  may 
utterly  dismiss  from  their  minds  my  highly 
ingenious  plea  of  inability  to  offer  any  other 
kind  of  matrimony  than  a  polygamous  union — 
surely,  a  very,  very  slipshod  off-hand  method  of 
disposing  of  such  a  nice  sharp  quillet  of  the 
Law !  .  .  .  He  is  talking  to  them  about  my 
means,  and  has  thrown  out  a  rather  apt  sugges- 
tion that  I  may  have  been  led  by  sheer  vain- 
gloriousness  and  Oriental  love  of  hyperbole  into 
exaggerating  my  resources.  .  .  .  However,  he 
"  sees  no  reason  to  doubt  my  competence  to  pay 
a  reasonable  amount  of  damages  " — an  opinion 
with  which  I  am  not  so  pleased.  "If  the  jury 
think  me  a  gay  sort  of  Hindoo  deceiver,  who 
has  heartlessly  trifled  with  the  affections  of  a 
simple,  unsuspecting  English  girl,  that  will 
lead  them  to  award  substantial  damages.  If, 
on  the  other  hand,  they  consider  myself 
an  inexperienced  Oriental  ninnyhammer  of 
a  fellow,  who  has  been  entrapped  into  an 
engagement  by  an  ambitious,  artful  young 
woman — why,  that  may  incline  them  to  in- 
flict a  merely  nominal  penalty."  (But  why, 
I  should  like  to  know,  does  a  Judge,  who  is 
infinitely  more  capable  than  a  dozen  doltish 
juryman  to  express  a  decided  opinion,  thus  put 
on  the  double-faced  mask  of  ambiguity,  and  run 
with  the  hare  and  halloo  with  the  hounds,  like 
some  Lukeworm  from  Laodicea  ?)  .  .  .  Now  he 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  267 

is  mentioning  "  certain  circumstances,  which  he 
is  bound  to  tell  the  jury  have  made  a  strong 
impression  on  his  own  mind."  .  .  .  Alack,  that, 
owing  to  the  incorrigible  mumbling  of  his 
diction,  I  cannot  succeed  in  ascertaining  what 
these  said  circumstances  are !  .  .  .  He  has 
begun  (I  think)  to  discourse  concerning  my 
latest  offer  of  marriage  in  open  Court.  What  a 
pity  that  hon'ble  judges  should  not  study  to 
acquire  at  least  ordinary  proficiency  in  such  a 
simple  affair  as  Elocution  ! 

"  It  may  strike  you,  gentlemen,  that  if  the 
plaintiff  had  any  genuine  affection  for  the 
defendant,  or  any  actual  intention  of  linking  her 

lot  with  his,  she  would "  (the  rest  is  a  severe 

mumble  !)  "  Or  again,  you  may  take  into  con- 
sideration  "  (but  precisely  what  they  are  to 

take  is,  to  myself,  a  dumb  show  !).  "  Still,  after 
making  every  possible  allowance  for  the  ideal- 
ising effects  of  the  tender  passion  upon  the 
female    judgment,   I    confess   I   find    it    a    little 

difficult  to  persuade  myself  that "     (Again 

I  am  not  in  at  the  finish — but,  from  the  bristling 
and  tossing  of  Jessimina'S  hat-plumes,  I  am  in 
great  hopes  that  it  contained  something  compli- 
mentary to  myself.)  .  .  .  He  has  just  concluded 
with  the  observation  that,  "  after  what  they  have 
seen  and  heard  of  the  defendant  during  the  pro- 
ceedings, the  jury  should  find  little  difficulty  in 
arriving  at  a  fairly  accurate  estimate  of  the  loss 
which  a  young  lady  of  British  birih  and  bringing- 
15 


268      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

up  would  sustain  by  her  failure  to  secure  such  a 
husband." 

From  the  last  it  is  clear  that  his  hon'ble 
lordship  meant  that,  in  secret,  he  has  the  highest 
opinion  of  my  merits,  though  he  entirely  over- 
looked the  obvious  fact  that  he  vi^ould  have 
better  carried  out  his  benevolent  and  patronising 
intentions  towards  me  by  affecting  (just  now)  to 
consider  me  only  a  worthless  poor  chap.  But 
even  the  most  subtly-trained  European  intellects 
are  curiously  backward  in  such  elementary 
chicaneries ! 

3  P.M. — The  jury  are  assembling  their  heads. 
They  seem  generally  agreed — except  a  couple 
of  stout  ones  who  are  lolling  back  and  listening 
with  mulish  simpers.  If  I  were  certain  that 
they  were  fellow-colleagues  from  Punch,  I  would 
encourage  them  by  secret  signs  to  persevere — 
but  who  knows  that  they  may  not  be  partisans 
of  the  plaintiff?  If  so,  they  deserve  to  be 
condignly  punished  for  such  obstinate  dull- 
headedness.  .  .  .  The  foreman  has  asked  that 
they  may  retire,  whereupon  Justice  Honeygall 
answers  them,  "  certainly,"  and  retires  his  own 
person  contemporaneously.  .  .  . 

3.15  P.M. — The  jury  are  still  absentees.  In 
reply  to  my  questions,  my  solicitor  says  that,  as 
far  as  he  can  see,  the  damages  can't  be  under 
;^2  50,  and  may  amount  to  a  cold  "Thou"  (or 
thousand)  !  Adding  that,  if  I  had  only  let  him 
brief  WiTHERlNGTON,  Q.C.,  I  might  have  got  off 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  269 

with  ;^50,  or  even  what  is  nominally  called  a 
farthing.  But  I  say  to  him,  in  such  a  case  how 
could  I  possibly  have  acquired  any  forensic 
distinction  ?  To  which  he  has  no  reply 
ready. 

3.30. — The  jury  are  still  delayed  by  the  two 
stouts.  I  have  just  attempted  to  chat  over  the 
affair  with  Jessimina  and  Madame  Mankle- 
TOW,  and  ascertain  whether  the  former  will 
not  accept  myself  at  the  eleventh  hour  as  pay- 
ment in  full  of  all  damages,  costs,  &c.  Mrs 
M.  replies  that  the  jurymen  are  notoriously 
in  favour  of  her  daughter,  and  that  she  would 
as  soon  see  her  in  gates  of  grave  as  the 
bride  of  a  black  man.  On  closer  approach 
to  Jessimina,  I  have  made  the  rather  disen- 
chanting discovery  that  she  has  rendered  her 
nose  lilac  from  too  much  superfluity  of  face- 
powder.  Perhaps,  after  all,  the  damages  may 
not  be  so  very  ....  The  jury  are  coming 
back.  Hon'ble  Judge  is  fetched  hurriedly.  ,  .  . 
Mister  Associate  asks  :  "  Have  you  agreed 
upon  your  verdict  ? "  Answered  that  they 
have.  "  Do  they  find  for  plaintiff  or  de- 
fendant ?  "  "  For  plaintiff."  And  the  damages  ? 
"  Twenty-five  Thou  I  !  !  "  My  stars  !  O 
Gemini !  Who'd  have  thought  it  ?  My  Pro- 
genitor will  never  pay  the  piper  for  such  an 
atrociously  cacophonous  tune.  ...  I  am  a 
done-for  ! 

3.35. — All   right.      I  was  deceived    by  aural 


270      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

incorrectness.     It  is  not  twenty-five  thou. — but 
twenty -five  pounds  ! 

3.45.  —  Hiphussar  !  Cockadoodledoo  !  A 
mere  bite  from  a  flea  !  .  ,  .  The  plaintiff  has 
fallen  into  hystericals  from  disappointed  avarici- 
ousness.  .  .  .  There  is  some  idle  talk  about 
costs  following  the  event,  and  certifying  for  a 
special  jury — a  luxury  for  which  it  seems  I  am 
not  to  fork  out.     The  case  is  over. 


Outside  in  the  corridor  and  hall  I  was  the 
cynosure  of  neighbouring  eyes,  and  vociferously 
applauded  as  a  "  good  old  nigger,"  and  told  that 
"  now  they  shouldn't  be  long,"  though  for  what 
else  they  were  waiting  I  could  not  learn. 
Madame  Mankletow  did  overtake  me  near  the 
doors  and  invite  me  to  tea  and  talk  in  a  coffee 
and  bun  emporium,  hinting  that  she  had  re- 
cently misunderstood  the  state  of  her  daughter's 
heart,  and  that  she  had  in  reality  been  ardently 
desirous  from  the  first  to  accept  my  offer.  To 
which  I  replied  that  the  gates  of  grave  were 
now  hermetically  closed,  and  that  the  plaintiff, 
like  the  fabulous  canine,  had  thrown  away 
the  meaty  bone  of  a  first-class  opportunity  in 
exchange  for  the  rather  flimsy  and  shadowy 
form  of  a  twenty-five  pound  note.  But,  as 
a  chivalrous,  I  refrained  from  saying  that  I 
had  been  thus  totally  put  off  by  an  over- 
powdered  nose. 


JABBERJEE,  B.A.  271 

Then  I  proceeded,  amidst  cheering  populaces, 
up  Chancery  Lane  to  a  certain  Bar,  wherein 
young  Howard  regaled  myself  and  solicitor 
very  handsomely  upon  anchovy  sandwiches  and 
champagne-wine,  after  which  I  returned  to 
Hereford  Road  full  of  ovation  and  cheerful- 
ness. 

It  is  practically  certain  that  my  sire,  the 
Mooktear,  will  cockahoop  with  paternal  pride  on 
hearing  by  telegram  of  my  moral  victory,  and 
celebrate  same  with  fireworks  and  festivities, 
besides  sending  ample  remittances  for  all  costs 
out  of  pocket,  &c. 

So  I  am  now  to  return  shortly  to  Calcutta, 
when  my  time  will  be  too  exclusively  taken  up 
with  forensic  triumphs  for  any  further  jotting  or 
tittling  for  Punch,  or  similar  periodicals. 

After  all,  for  a  fellow  who  is  able  to  enchant 
multitudes,  and  persuade  their  intellects  and 
reasoning  faculties  by  dint  of  golden  verbolatory 
of  diction,  mere  sedentary  journalism  is  a  very 
mediocre  and  poorly-paid  pursuit ! 

Notwithstanding  my  cessation  as  a  contri- 
butor, I  shall,  on  arriving  in  India,  infallibly 
recommend  Punch  to  all  my  innumerable  aunts, 
families,  and  friends,  as  a  highly  respectable 
periodical — provided  that  the  munificent  and 
free-hearted  generosity  of  those  Hon'ble  Misters, 
the  Editor  and  Proprietors,  shall  account  me 
worthy  to  draw  a  monthly  retiring  pension  for 
my  distinguished  services. 


272      BABOO  HURRY  BUNGSHO 

And,  with  prostrated  respects  to  my  honoured 
readers  and  their  respective  relatives,  I  have  the 
honour  to  remain,  ever  and  anon, 

Their  Excellencies  most  grateful, 

humble,  and  obedient  servant 
H.  B.  J. 


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"It  is  doubtful  whether  in  the  English  language  we  have  had  a  more  powerful, 
impressive,  artistic  picture  of  the  French  Revolution,  from  the  revolutionist's  pomt  ot 
view,  than  that  presented  in  F61ix  Gras's  '  I'he  Reds  of  the  Midi.'  .  .  .  Adventures 
follow  one  another  rapidly ;  splciidid,  brilliant  pictures  are  frequent,  and  the  thread  ot 
a  tender,  beautiful  love  story  winds  in  and  out  of  its  pages." — New  \  ork  Mail  and 
£xpress. 

" '  The  Reds  of  the  Midi '  is  a  red  rose  from  Provence,  a  breath  of  pure  air  in 
the  stifling  atmosphere  of  present  day  romance — a  stirring  narrative  of  one  of  the  most 
sicturesque  events  of  the  Revolution  It  is  told  with  all  the  strength  of  simplicity 
ind  directness:  it  is  warm  and  pulsating,  and  fairly  trembles  with  excitement." — 
Chicago  Recorc/. 

"To  the  names  of  Dickens,  Hugo,  and  Ejckmann-Chatrian  must  be  added  that  of 
F^lx  Gras,  as  a  romancer  who  has  written  a  tale  of  the  French  Revolution  not  only 
possessing  historical  interest,  but  charming  as  a  story.  A  delightful  piece  of  literature, 
of  a  rare  and  exquisite  flavor." — Buffalo  Express. 

"  No  more  forcible  presentation  of  the  wrongs  which  the  poorer  classes  suffered  in 
France  at  the  end  of  the  eighteenth  century  has  ever  been  put  between  the  covers  of 
a  book." — Boston  Budget. 

"  Every  page  is  alive  with  incidents  or  scenes  of  the  time,  and  any  one  who  reads 
it  will  get  a  vivid  picture  that  can  never  be  forgotten  of  the  Reign  of  Terror  in  Paris." 
—San  Francisco  Chronicle. 

"The  author  has  a  rare  power  of  presenting  vivid  and  lifelike  pictures.  He  is  a 
true  artist.  .  .  His  warm,  glowing,  Provencal  imagination  sees  that  tremendous 
battalion  of  death  even  as  the  no  less  warm  and  glowing  imagination  of  Carlyle  saw  it." 
— London  Daily  Chronicle. 

"Of  The  Reds  of  theMidi '  itself  it  is  safe  to  predict  that  the  story  will  become  one 
of  the  most  widely  popular  stories  of  the  next  few  months.  It  certainly  deserves  such 
appreciative  recognition,  for  it  throbs  with  vital  interest  in  every  line.  .  .  .  The  charac- 
ters are  livin?,  stirring,  palpitating  human  beings,  v  ho  will  glow  in  the  reader's  memory 
long  after  he  has  turned  over  the  last  pages  of  this  remarkably  fascinating  book." — 
London  Daily  .Mail. 

"A  delightful  romance.  .  .  .  The  story  is  not  only  historically  accurate;  it  is  one 
.f  continuous  and  vivid  interest" — Philadelphia  Press. 

"  Simply  enthralling.  .  .  .  The  narrative  abounds  in  vivid  descriptions  of  stirring 
incidents  and  wonderfully  attractive  depictions  of  character.  Indeed,  one  might  almost 
say  of  '  The  Reds  of  the  Midi'  that  it  has  all  the  fire  and  forceful ness  of  the  elder 
Dumas,  with  something  more  than  Dumas's  faculty  for  dramatic  compression." — 
Boston  Beacon. 

"  A  charmingly  told  story,  and  all  the  more  delightful  because  of  the  unstudied 
simplicity  of  the  spokesman,  Pascalet.  F61ix  Gras  is  a  true  artist,  and  he  has  pleaded 
the  cause  of  a  hated  people  with  the  tact  and  skill  that  only  an  artist  could  employ." — 
Chicago  Evening  Post. 

"  Much  excellent  revolutionary  fiction  in  many  languages  has  been  written  since 
the  announcement  of  the  expiration  of  1889,  or  rather  since  the  contemporary  publica- 
tion of  old  war  records  newly  discovered,  but  th'"re  Ls  none  more  vivid  than  this  story 
of  men  of  the  south,  written  by  one  of  their  own  h\ood."—B,'ston  Herald. 


New  York :   D.  APPLETON  &  CO.,  72  Fifth  Avenue. 


D.  APPLETON  AND  COAAPANY'S  PUBLICATIONS. 


L 


BY   S.    R.   CROCKETT. 

Uniform  edition.     Each,  i2mo,  cloth,  $1.50. 

ADS'   LOVE.     Illustrated. 

"  It  seems  to  us  that  there  is  in  this  latest  product  much  of  the  realism  of  per- 
sonal experience.  However  modified  and  disguised,  it  is  hardly  possible  to  ihink  ihat 
tlie  writer's  personality  does  not  present  itself  in  Saunders  McQuhirr.  .  .  .  Rarely  has 
the  author  drawn  more  truly  from  life  than  in  the  cases  of  Nance  and  '  the  Hempie' ; 
never  more  typical  Scotsman  of  the  humble  sort  than  the  farmer  Peter  Chrystie." — 
London  A  thenieum. 

"  A  thoroughly  delightful  book.  ...  It  is  hearty,  wholesome,  full  of  pleasant  light 
and  dainty  touches.  It  must  be  regarded  as  one  of  the  best  things  that  Crockett  has 
wiilten." — Brooklyn  Eagle. 

r^LEG  KELLY,   ARAB   OF   THE  CITY.      His 

^-^      Progress  and  Adventures.     Illustrated. 

"A  masterpiece  which  Mark  Twain  himself  ha<  never  rivaled.  ...  If  there  ever 
was  an  ideal  character  in  fiction  it  is  this  heroic  ragamuffin."  —  London  Daily 
Chronicle. 

"  In  no  one  of  his  books  does  Mr.  Crockett  give  us  a  brighter  or  more  graphic 

Eicture  of  contemporary  Scotch  life  than  lu  '  Cleg  Kelly."  ...  It  is  one  of  the  great 
ooks." — Boston  Daily  Advertiser. 

DOG-MYRTLE  AND  PEAT     Third  edition. 

"  Here  are  idyls,  epics,  dramas  of  human  life,  written  in  words  that  thrill  and 
burn.  .  .  .  Each  is  a  poem  that  has  an  immortal  flavor.  They  are  fragments  of- 
the  author's  early  dreams,  too  bright,  too  eorgeous,  too  full  of  the  blood  of  rubies 
and  the  life  of  diamonds  to  be  caught  and  held  palpitating  in  expression's  grasp."— 
Boston  Courier. 

"  Hardly  a  sketch  among  them  all  that  will  not  afford  pleasure  to  the  reader  for 
its  genial  humor,  artistic  local  coloring,  and  admiiable  poitrajal  of  character." — 
Boston  Home  'Journal. 

"  One  dips  into  the  book  anywhere  and  reads  on  and  on,  fascinated  by  the  writer's 
charm  of  manner." — Minneapolis  Tribune. 


T 


HE  LILAC  SUNBONNET     Eij^hth  edition. 


"  A  love  story  pure  and  simple,  one  of  the  old  fashioned,  wholesome,  sun- 
shiny kind,  with  a  pure-minded,  sound  hearted  hero,  and  a  heroine  who  Ls  merely  a 
good  and  beautiful  woman  ;  and  if  any  other  love  story  half  so  sweet  has  been  wriiton 
this  year,  it  has  escaped  our  notice." — New  York  Times. 

"The  general  conception  of  the  story,  the  motive  of  which  is  the  growth  of  love 
between  the  young  chief  and  heroine,  is  delineated  with  a  sweetness  and  a  freshness, 
a  naturalness  and  a  certainty,  which  places  '  The  Lilac  Sunbonnet '  among  the  best 
stories  of  the  time." — Ne-w  York  Mail  and  Express. 

"  In  its  own  line  this  litde  love  story  can  hardly  be  excelled.  It  is  a  psstoral,  an 
i'lyl— the  siory  of  love  and  courtship  and  marriage  of  a  fine  young  man  and  a  love  y 
Kirl  — no  more;  but  it  is  told  in  so  thoroughly  delightful  a  m;inner,  with  such  playful 
humor,  such  delicate  fiincy,  such  true  and  sympathetic  feeling,  that  nothing  more  could 
be  desired." — Boston  Traveler. 


D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY.  NEW  YORK. 


D.   APPLETON  AND  COMPANY'S  PUBLICATIONS. 


By  a.  CONAN   DOYLE. 
Uniform  edition,     ismo.     Cloth,  $i  ^o  per  volume, 
r  TNCLE    BERN  AC.     A    Romance    of    the    Empire. 
^    Illustrated. 

"  '  Uncle  Bernac'  is  lor  a  truth  Dr.  Doyle's  Napoleon.  Viewed  as  a  picture  of  the 
little  man  in  the  gray  coat,  it  must  rank  before  anything  he  has  written.  The  lasciua- 
tion  of  it  is  extraordinary." — London  Daily  Chronicle. 

'•  From  the  opening  pages  the  clear  and  energetic  telling  of  the  story  never  falters 
and  our  attention  never  Asl^." —Lofuion  Observer. 

JDODNEY  STONE.     Illustrated. 

y  A  remarkable  book,  worthy  of  the  pen  that  gave  us  '  The  White  Company,* 
'  Micah  Clarke,'  and  oiher  notable  romances." — London  Daily  News. 

"  A  notable  and  very  brilliant  work  of  genius." — London  Speaker. 

"  '  Rodney  Stone '  is,  io  our  judgment,  distinctly  the  best  of  Dr.  Cotian  Doyle's 
revels.  .  .  .  There  are  few  descriptions  in  fiction  that  can  vie  with  that  race  upon  the 
Brighton  road." — London  'limes. 


T 


BE  EXPLOITS  OF  BRIGADIER   GERARD. 

A  Romance  of  the  Life  of  a   Typical  A^afoleonic  Soldier.     Illus- 
trated. 

"  The  brigadier  is  brave,  resolute,  amorous,  loyal,  chivalrous ;  never  was  a  foe  mor^ 
ardent  in  battle,  more  clement  in  victory,  or  more  ready  at  need.  .  .  .  Gallantry,  humoi, 
martial  gayety,  moving  incident,  make  up  a  really  delightful  book." — London  Times. 

"  May  be  set  down  without  reservation  as  the  most  thoroughly  enjoyable  book  that 
Dr.  Doyle  has  ever  published." — Boston  Beacon. 


T 


HE  STARK  MUNRO  LETTERS.  Being  a 
Series  of  Twelve  Letters  written  by  Stark  Munro,  M.  B., 
to  his  friend  and  former  fellow-student,  Herbert  Rwanborough, 
of  Lowell,  Massachusetts,  during  the  years  1881-1884.  Illus- 
trated. 

"  CuUingworth,  ...  a  much  more  interesting  creation  than  Sherlock  Holmes,  and 
I  pray  Dr.  Doyle  to  give  us  more  of  him." — Richard  le  Callienne,  in  the  London  i-  tar. 

"  'The  Stark  Munro  Letters'  is  a  bit  of  real  literature.  ...  Its  reading  will  be  an 
epoch-making  event  in  many  a  life." — Philadelphia  Evening  Telegraph. 


R 


OUND     THE    RED    LAMP.      Being  Facts  and 

Fancies  of  Medical  Life. 

"Too  much  can  not  be  said  in  praise  of  these  strong  productions,  that  to  read, 
Iceep  one's  heart  leaping  to  the  throat,  and  the  mind  in  a  tumult  of  anticipation  to  the 
;nd.  .  .  .  No  series  of  short  stories  in  modem  literature  can  approach  them." — Hart, 
ford  Times. 

"If  Dr.  A.  Conan  Doyle  had  not  already  placed  himself  in  the  front  rank  of  living 
English  writers  by  'The  Refugees,'  and  other  of  his  larger  stories,  he  would  surely  do 
so  by  these  fifteen  short  tales." — Neiv  York  Mail  and  Express. 


D.    APPLETON  AND  COMPANY.  NEW  YORK. 


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D.   APPLETON  &   CO.'S  PUBLICATIONS 

HE  STATEMENT  OF  STELLA  MABERLY. 
By  F.  Anstey,  author  of  "Vice  Versa,"  "  The  Giant's  Robe," 
etc.     l6mo.     Cloth,  special  binding,  $1.25. 

"  Most  admirably  done.  .  .  .  We  read  fascinated,  and  fully  belieTini;  every  word 
we  read.  .  .  .  The  book  has  deeply  interested  us,  and  even  thrilled  us  more  than 
once." — London  Daily  ChronicU. 

"  A  wildly  fantastic  story,  thrilling  and  impressive.  .  .  .  Has  an  air  of  vivid  re-ility.. 
.  .  .  of  bold  conception  and  vigorous  treatment.  .  .  .  A  very  noteworthy  novelette."— 
LoneU>n  Timti. 


M: 


ARCH  HARES.     By  Harold  Frederic,  author 

of  "  The  Damnation  of  Theron  Ware,"  "  In  the  Valley,"  etc 

l6mo.     Cloth,  special  binding,  $1.25. 

"One  of  the  most  cheerful  novels  we  have  chanced  upon  for  many  a  d.iy.  It  has 
much  of  the  rapidity  and  vigor  of  a  smartly  written  fa'ce,  with  a  pervading  freshness  a 
smartly  written  farce  rarely  possesses.  ...  A  book  decidedly  worth  readirg," — Lon- 
don Saturday  Revietv. 

"  A  striking  and  original  story,  .  .  .  effective,  pleasing,  and  very  capable.'' — Lon- 
dun  Literary  World. 

r^REEN   GATES.     An   Analysis   of  Foolishness.     By 

^-^     Mrs.  K.  M.  C.  Meredith  (Johanna  Staats),  author  of  "  Drum- 

sticks,"  etc.     i6mo.     Cloth,  $1.25. 

"Crisp  and  delightful.  .  .  Fascinating,  not  so  much  for  what  it  suggests  as  for 
its  manner,  and  the  cleverly  outlined  people  who  walk  through  its  pages." — Chicago 
Times-  Herald. 

"  An  origi.al  strain,  bright  and  viva-.ious,  and  strong  enough  in  i  s  foolishness  and 
its  unexpected  tragedy  to  prove  its  sterling  worxh."— Boston  Hcraid. 

N  I M AGIN  A  TJ  VE  MAN.     By  Robert  S.  Hich- 

ENS,  author  of  "  The  Folly  of  Fustace,"  "  The  Green  Carna- 
tion," etc.     i2mo.     Cloth,  $1.25. 

"  A  study  in  character.  .  .  .  Just  as  entertaining  as  though  it  were  the  conven- 
tional story  of  love  and  marriage.  The  clever  hand  of  the  author  of '  1  he  Green  C  ar- 
nation  '  is  easily  detected  in  the  caustic  wit  and  pointed  epigram." — Jeanntite  L. 
Gilder,  in  the  Nevt  York  World. 

/CORRUPTION.     By  Percy  White,  author  of  "  Mr. 

^-^      Bailey-Martin,"  etc.     l2mo.     Cloth,  $1.25. 

"  A  drama  of  biting  intensity.  A  tragedy  of  inflexible  purpose  and  relentless  result " 
—PaU  Mall  Gazette. 


A 


A 


HARD  WOMAN.    A  Story  in  Scenes.    By  Violet 
Hunt.     i2nio.     Cloth,  $1.25. 

"A  good  story,  bii  ht.  keen,  and  dram.-ttlc.  ...  It  is  out  of  the  ordiiiary,  and  wil' 
give  you  a  new  sensation." — New  York  Heraid. 


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STEPHEN   CRANE'S   BOOKS. 
n^HE    THIRD    VIOLET.     i2mo.     Cloth,  $i.oo. 

"  By  this  latest  product  of  hb  genius  our  impression  of  Mr.  Crane  is  con- 
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phrase,  he  is  already  in  the  front  rank  of  English  and  American  writers  of  fiction, 
and  that  he  possesses  a  certain  separate  quality  which  places  him  apart." — London 
A  cademy. 

"  The  whole  book,  from  beginning  to  end,  fairly  bristles  with  fun.  ...  It  is  adapted 
for  pure  entertainment,  yet  it  is  not  easily  put  down  or  forgotten." — Boston  Herald. 


T 


HE  LITTLE  REGIMENT,   and  Other  Episodes 
of  the  American  Civil  War.     i2mo.     Cloth,  $i.oo. 

"  In  '  The  Little  Regiment '  we  have  again  studies  of  the  volunteers  waiting  impa- 
tiently to  fiL'ht  and  fighting,  and  the  impression  of  the  contest  as  a  private  soldier  hears, 
sees,  and  feels  it,  is  really  wonderful.  The  reader  has  no  privileges.  He  must,  it  seems, 
take  his  place  in  the  ranks,  and  stand  in  the  mud,  wade  in  the  river,  fight,  yell,  swear, 
and  sweat  with  the  men.  He  ha<i  some  sort  of  feeling,  when  it  is  all  over,  that  he  has 
been  doing  just  these  things.  This  sort  of  writing  needs  no  praise.  It  will  make  its 
way  to  the  hearts  of  men  without  praise." — Ne-w  York  Times. 

"  Told  with  a  verve  that  brings  a  whiff  of  burning  powder  to  one's  nostrils.  .  .  . 
In  some  way  he  blazons  the  scene  before  our  eyes,  and  makes  us  feel  the  very  impetus 
of  bloody  war."—  Chicago  Evening  Post. 


M 


AGGIE:    A     GIRL     OF     THE     STREETS. 

l2mo.     Cloth,  75  cents. 

"  By  writing  '  Maggie  '  Mr.  Crane  has  made  for  himself  a  permanent  place  in  lit- 
erature. .  .  .  Zola  himself  scarcely  has  surpassed  its  tremendous  portrayal  of  throb- 
bing, breathing,  moving  life." — Nevj  1  'ork  Mail  and  Express. 

"Mr.  Crane's  story  should  be  read  for  the  fidelity  with  which  it  portrays  a  life 
that  is  potent  on  this  island,  along  with  the  best  of  us.  It  is  a  powerful  portrayal,  and, 
if  somber  and  repellent,  none  the  less  true,  none  the  less  freighted  with  appeal  to  those 
who  are  able  to  assist  in  righting  wrongs." — New  York  Times. 

HTHE  RED  BADGE  OF  COURAGE.     An  Episode 

•*■        of  the  American  Civil  War.     l2mo.     Cloth,  $i.oo. 

"  Never  before  have  we  had  the  seamy  side  of  glorious  war  so  well  depicted.  .  .  . 
The  action  of  the  story  throughout  is  splendid,  and  all  aglow. with  color,  movement, 
and  vim.  The  style  is  as  keen  and  bright  as  a  sword-blade,  and  a  Kipling  has  done 
nothing  better  in  this  line." — Chicago  Evening  Post. 

"  There  is  nothing  in  American  fiction  to  compare  with  it.  .  .  .  Mr.  Crane  has 
added  to  American  literature  something  that  has  never  been  done  before,  and  that  is, 
in  its  own  peculiar  way,  inimitable." — Boston  Beacon. 

"  A  truer  and  completer  picture  of  war  than  either  Tolstoy  or  Zola." — London  Nc-m 
Review. 


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NOVELS   BY   HALL   CAINE. 
n^HE  MANXMAN.     i2mo.     Cloth,  $1.50. 

"A  story  of  marvelous  dramatic  intensity,  and  in  its  ethical  meaning  has  a  force 
comparable  only  to  Hawthorne's  '  Scarlet  Letter.'  "—Boston  Beacon. 

"A  work  of  power  which  is  another  stone  added  to  the  foimdation  of  enduring  &F>e 
to  which  Mr.  Caine  is  yearly  adding."—  Puilic  Opinion. 

"A  wonderfully  strong  study  of  character;  a  powerful  analysis  of  those  elemci^ls 
which  go  to  make  up  the  strength  and  weakness  of  a  man,  which  are  at  fierce  warfa  e 
withm  the  same  breast;  contending  aeainsi  each  other,  as  it  were,  the  one  to  rai^e  hi  .1 
to  fame  and  power,  the  other  to  drag  him  down  to  degradation  and  shame.  Never  in 
the  whole  range  of  literature  have  we  seen  the  struggle  between  these  forces  for 
supremacy  over  the  man  more  powerfully,  more  realistically  delineated  than  Mr.  Laine 
pictures  it." — Boston  Home  Journal. 


T 


HE    DEEMSTER.      A    Romance   of  the   Isle   of 
Man.     i2mo.     Cloth,  $i.5a 

"  Hall  Caine  has  already  given  us  some  verj*  strong  and  fine  work,  and  '  The 
Deemster'  is  a  siory  of  unusual  power.  ,  .  .  Certain  pas^aces  and  chapters  have  an 
intensely  dramatic  grasp,  and  hold  the  fascinated  reader  with  a  force  rarely  excited 
nowadays  in  literature.' — l)u  Critic. 

"  One  of  the  strongest  novels  which  has  appeared  in  many  a  day." — San  Fran- 
cisco Chrojiicle. 

"  Fascinates  the  mind  like  the  gathering  and  bursting  of  a  storm." — Illustrated 
London  News. 

"Deserves  to  be  ranked  among  the  remarkable  novels  of  the  day." — Chicago 
Times. 

n^HE  BONDMAN.     New  edition.     i2tno.     Cloth, 
-*       $1.50. 

"  The  welcome  given  to  this  story  has  cheered  and  touched  me,  but  T  am  con- 
scious that,  to  win  a  reception  so  warm,  such  a  book  must  have  had  readers  who 
brought  to  it  as  much  as  they  took  a»  ay.  ...  I  have  called  my  story  a  saga,  merely 
because  it  follows  the  epic  method,  and  I  must  not  claim  for  it  at  any  pcint  the  weighty 
responsibility  of  hisiorj-,  or  serious  obligations  to  the  world  of  fact.  But  it  matters  not 
to  me  what  Icelanders  may  call  '  The  Bondman,'  if  they  will  honor  me  by  reading  it  in 
the  open  hearted  spirit  and  with  the  free  mind  with  which  they  are  content  to  read  of 
Grettir  and  of  his  fights  with  the  Troll." — From  the  A  utkor's  Pre/ace. 

/^AFT'N    DAVY'S    HONEYMOON.      A    Manx 
^-^      Yarn.     i2mo.     Paper,  50  cents  ;  cloth,  $1.00. 

"  A  new  departure  by  this  author.  Unlike  his  previous  works,  this  little  tale  ii 
almost  wholly  humorous,  with,  however,  a  current  of  pathos  underneath.  It  is  not 
Always  that  an  author  can  succeed  equally  well  in  tragedy  and  in  comedy,  but  it  lool.« 
as  though  Mr.  Hall  Caine  would  be  one  of  the  exceptions." — London  Litetary 
n^orld. 

"  It  is  pleasant  to  meet  the  author  of  '  The  Deemster  '  in  a  brightly  humorous  littl-- 
itory  like  this.  ...  It  shows  the  same  observation  of  Manx  character,  and  much  of 
the  same  artistic  skill." — Philadelphia  Times. 


New  York:  D.  APPLETON  &  CO.,  72  Fifth  Avenue. 


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THE  SUCCESSOR  TO   "LOOKING  BACKWARD." 

PQUALITY.    By  Edward  Bellamy.    i2mo.    Cloth, 
-^    $1.25. 

*'  The  book  is  so  full  of  ideas,  so  replete  with  suggestive  aspects,  so  rich 
in  quotable  parts,  as  to  form  an  arsenal  of  argument  for  apostles  of  the  new 
democracy.  .  .  .  The  humane  and  thoughtful  reader  will  lay  down  '  EquaLty  ' 
and  regard  the  world  about  him  with  a  feeling  akin  to  that  with  which  the 
child  of  the  tenement  returns  from  his  '  country  week'  to  the  foul  smeils,  the 
discordant  noises,  the  incessant  strife  of  the  wonted  environment.  Immense 
changes  are  undoubtedly  in  store  for  the  coming  century.  The  industrial 
transformations  of  the  world  for  the  past  hundred  years  seem  to  assure  for 
the  next  hundred  a  mutation  in  social  conditions  commensurately  radical. 
The  tendency  is  undoubtedly  toward  human  unity,  social  solidarity.  Science 
will  more  and  more  make  socicd  evolution  a  voluntary,  self-directing  process 
on  the  part  of  man." — Sylvester  Baxter,  in  the  Review  of  Reviews. 

"  '  Equality'  is  a  greater  book  than  '  Looking  Backward,'  while  it  is  mora 
powerful ;  and  the  smoothness,  the  never-failing  interest,  the  limpid  clear- 
ness and  the  simplicity  of  the  argument,  and  the  timeliness,  will  make  it 
extremely  popular.  Here  is  a  book  that  every  one  will  read  and  enjoy. 
Rant  there  is  none,  but  the  present  system  is  subjected  to  a  searching  arraign- 
ment.   Withal,  the  story  is  bright,  optiniiotic,  and  cheerful." — Boston  Herald, 

"  Mr.  Bellamy  has  bided  his  time— the  full  nine  years  of  Horace's  counsel. 
Calmly  and  quietly  he  has  rounded  out  the  vision  which  occurred  to  him.  .  .  . 
That  Mr.  Bellamy  is  earnest  and  honest  in  his  convictions  is  evident.  That 
hundreds  of  earnest  and  honest  men  hold  the  fame  convictions  is  also  evident. 
Will  the  future  increase,  or  decrease,  the  number  ? " — New  York  Herald. 

"  So  ample  was  Mr.  Bellamy's  material,  so  rich  is  his  imaginative  power, 
that  '  Looking  Backward '  scarcely  gave  him  room  to  turn  in.  .  .  .  The 
betterment  of  man  is  a  noble  topic,  and  the  purpose  of  Mr.  Bellamy's  '  Equjil- 
ity '  is  to  approach  it  with  reverence.  The  book  will  raise  many  discussions. 
The  subject  which  Mr.  Bellamy  writes  about  is  inexhaustible,  and  it  has  never- 
failing  human  interest." — .Vetv  York  Times. 

"  '  Equality'  deserves  praise  for  its  completeness.  It  shows  the  thought 
and  work  of  years.  It  apparently  treats  of  every  pha.se  of  its  subject.  .  .  . 
Altogether  praiseworthy  and  very  remarkable." — Chicago  Tribune. 

"  There  is  no  question  at  all  about  the  power  of  the  author  both  as  the 
teller  of  a  marvelous  story  and  as  the  imaginative  creator  of  a  scheme  of 
earthly  human  happiness.  '  Equality '  is  profoundly  interesting  in  a  great 
many  different  ways." — Boston  Daily  Advertiser. 

"  A  vastly  interesting  work,  and  those  who  feel  in  the  air  the  coming  of 
great  social,  industrial,  and  economical  changes,  whether  they  hope  for  or 
fear  them,  will  find  '  Equality  '  the  most  absorbing  reading.  The  ready  sale 
of  the  first  installment  of  the  book  shows  how  real  and  general  the  concern 
in  these  questions  hjis  grown  to  be." — Springfield  Republican. 


D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY.  NEW  YORK- 


D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY'S  PUBLICATIONS. 

SOME   NOTABLE   AMERICAN   FICTION 

IN 

APPLETONS'  TOWN   AND  COUNTRY  LIBRARY. 

Each,  lamo,  cloth,  $i.oo;  paper,  50  cents. 


A 


T 


COLONIAL  FREE-LANCE.     By  Chauncey  C. 

HoTCHKiss,  author  of  "  In  Defiance  of  the  King." 

"We  have  had  stories  of  the  Revolution  dealing  with  its  statesmen,  its  soldiers, 
and  its  home  life,  but  the  good  books  relating  to  adventure  by  sea  have  been  few  and 
far  between.  The  best  of  these  for  many  a  moon  is  '  A  Colonial  Free-Lance  '  There 
is  a  rattle  and  dash,  a  continuity  of  adventure  that  constantly  chains  the  reader's  atten- 
tion and  makes  the  book  delightful  reading." — Philadelphia  Inquirer, 

HE    SUN   OF   SARATOGA.       By  Joseph    A. 

Altsheler. 

_  "  Taken  altogether,'  The  Sun  of  Saratoga  '  is  the  best  hbtorical  novel  of  American 
origin  that  has  been  written  for  years,  if  not,  indeed,  in  a  fresh,  simple,  unpretending, 
unlabored,  manly  way,  that  wc  nave  ever  read." — New  York  Mail  and  Express. 

ASTER  ARDICK,    BUCCANEER.     By  F.  H. 

COSTELLO. 

'  This  story  is  one  of  the  real  old-fashioned  kind  that  novel  readers  will  take  de- 

'       "  :nty.     Tlie  characters  ai« 
-Boston  Courier. 

T^HE   INTRIGUERS.      A    Novel.     By  John   D. 


M 

light  in  perusing.     There  are  incident  and  adventure  in  plenty, 
bold,  knightly,  and  chivalrous,  and  delightful  entertainers." — £os 


Barry. 


"  The  story  is  a  wholesome,  enlivening  bit  of  romance.  It  rings  pure  and  sweet,  and 
is  most  happy  in  its  characterizations." — Boston  Herald. 

"  A  bright  society  novel,  sparkling  with  wit  and  entertaining  from  beginning  to 
end." — Boston  Times. 


/ 


'N  DEFIANCE  OF  THE  KING.    A  Romance  of 
the  American  Revolution.    By  Chauncey  C.  Hotchkiss. 

"  Thrills  from  beginning  to  end  with  the  spirit  of  the  Revolution.  .  .  .  His  whole 
story  is  so  absorbing  that  you  will  sit  up  far  into  the  night  to  finish  it,  and  lay  it  a.side 
with  the  feeling  that  you  have  seen  a  gloriously  true  picture  of  the  Revolution." — Bos- 
ton Herald. 


I 


'N  OLD  NEW  ENGLAND.     The  Romance  of  a 

Colonial  Fireside.     By  Hezekiah  Butterworth. 

"  We  do  not  remember  any  other  volume  which  holds  within  its  covers  a  series  of 
such  charmins  legends  and  traditions  of  New  England's  earlier  history.  .  .  .  '  In  Old 
New  England'  possesses  a  charm  rare  indeed.  It  will  be  welcomed  by  young  and  old 
alike." — New  York  Mail  and  Express. 


D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY,  NEW  YORK. 


University  of  California 

SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

305  De  Neve  Drive  -  Parking  Lot  17  •  Box  951388 

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